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"He has stage four cancer" - a significant experience, risk, dilemma


msbuggs 1 / 2  
Mar 27, 2011   #1
Hi, can someone please help me with this scholarship essay? Please make any suggestions, point out grammar errors, etc. Thanks a lot!
Prompt: Evaluate a significant experience, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.(500 words)
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"He has stage four cancer; he's not going to make it," the doctor said impassively. "We offer you a room for him and the family. There we can take him off of intubation and you guys can say your final goodbyes." My family members stared at the doctor in disbelief. How could someone suggest that we grant permission to take the life of our family member, my uncle, who is still fully aware of his surroundings, still making an effort to communicate with us, and is still fighting for his life, before his natural time? The suggestion was out of the question for us, but the doctor insisted. After receiving a definite "no" from us, the doctor started to show little compassion towards him and treated him as if he were in the way. How could a doctor treat a patient this way?

Every since I was a little girl, I had admired doctors and viewed them as a vital part of society. They were my idols, the super heroes in my life and I had dreamed of becoming one in the future. However, after that experience, I had realized that doctors were not what I always believed them to be. They did not have to be perfect like I once thought, and some, like my uncle's doctor, did not even exhibit an essential quality. I felt, "If this is what it means to be a doctor, I do not want to become one anymore."

That disconcerting experience with my uncle's doctor was molded into the back of my mind. I felt so strongly that I did not want to become a doctor anymore, but when I attempted to find a new career path, no other career fit. The thought of me being a future doctor still excited me, still interested me, and most importantly was still embedded within me. It was my dream and it had been for a long time and I could not let that one doctor take that dream away from me.

That doctor and her heartless actions towards my uncle impacted me more than anything ever before. After that entire experience I decided that I was going to pursue my dream in becoming a doctor and be the opposite of my uncle's doctor. I will treat my future patients with compassion and make sure that everything that could possibly be done under oath, will be done. I will always remember that doctor and her insensitive ways and use those memories as motivators to be the best doctor that I can possibly be.
XueAmir 6 / 25  
Mar 27, 2011   #2
Overall, I liked the idea of the essay. When I read it, it sounded like you could have elaborated more and it was a bit on the surface at certain parts.

Simple way to check over your essay, is to do a who cares test or why test.

Every since I was a little girl, I had admired doctors and viewed them as a vital part of society. They were my idols, the super heroes in my life and I had dreamed of becoming one in the future.

Why a doctor, why not a astronaut,what made doctors so special that you wanted to be one of them one day. Paint a Picture for the reader

ot what I always believed them to be

What did you believe them to be like? (Though it sounds like you had a close minded perspective judging one experience for the way all doctors are)

but when I attempted to find a new career path, no other career fit

Why didn't anything else fit

Overall just add some emotional impact to it, I don't know hold you were when this happen. But expand a few points
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Mar 29, 2011   #3
Yeah, it's tough because physicians are constantly exposed to those situations, and it is hard to not get desensitized. And the physician conserves energy in a strange way by not being compassionate.

Well, you wrote this very well. I think you should stop talking about being a "doctor" because if you are really serious you will be reading many articles about therapies and procedures associated with various specializations. Maybe you want to be an osteopath. Maybe you want to be a surgeon.

Get specific near the end, and mention a few of your areas of interest.

:-)
OP msbuggs 1 / 2  
Mar 29, 2011   #4
Thanks you guys! I see where I can elaborate more on what I want to be specifically (cardiovascular surgeon! wooo [= ) and how exactly I can help patients.


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