Brick walls are there to stop the people who don't want it badly enough - these words are from computer science professor, Mr. Randy Pausch in his last lecture. I believe this sentence, and I'm a kind of person whose brain starts to work like a computer in critical moment of life to find a best way to solve a problem. Throughout my life, I've been climbing over brick walls.
When I was fourteen and living in Iran, I heard that students in other countries had their own personal computer. My life saving from pocket money was under $60.00, and I couldn't ask my parents to buy one for me. After all, our high school laboratory only had one! I knew it that I wanted to have a computer badly, so I borrowed a book from library titled computer assembly and start to assemble my own pc. Monitor? I used our TV. The CD drive, Disk Drive, Sound card, Modem, LAN card, and even Case weren't necessary. My computer start to run with minimum equipments and the most joyful time in my life was spent watching a Microsoft windows' logo on our TV.
Some years later, I traveled halfway across the earth and lived in many countries such as Turkey, France, and Denmark. I became an engineer and began working as a software developer. Eventually, I stopped travelling around the world and settled down in Virginia for its lovely nature. When the economy got down, and I lost my job and my Job visa, I felt that I need to upgrade myself. One day I was in Nova walking down the corridor and thinking how to join to Nova .I didn't have a job. I knew how to develop software though, and I also knew how to run a website. I thought to myself, "What else can I do?" My mommy had taught me how to bake cookies! What can I do? I can design websites! And bake cookies! I'll sell cookies online!
The only things that all my cells in my body shout is: I need to know more. I'm thirsty to learn more. Like my childhood dream the budget is limited and I have skipped unnecessary items. But I need programs to run my computer one more time.I want to be a better engineer; I want to teach my kids how to bake cookies and how to design website and countless other things that I myself have yet to learn.
Can you please give me some feedback of what you think of this essay. What changes should I make?
Hey Sarareh, I liked this a lot- when I finished reading your essay, I had a smile on my face.
It is a well-engineered essay- you have all the fundamentals of a great paper. It needs just a little sculpting and refining, and then you'll be in great shape.
I like your ending, too- "I want to teach my kids to bake cookies and to design websites, and countless other things that I myself have yet to learn" is classy. Avoid "lots" in formal writing; also avoid "kind of".
The largest content critique I have is that I'm not sure where you're going with this whole thing- are you finished with your English class, and this is about enrolling in another Engineering School, or is it a scholarship for the next English level? "I need to know more", in your last paragraph, should be substantiated- what do you want to learn about now?
Good work, keep it up! A little tweaking and you'll have yourself a great essay.
It was really helpfull , really thank you ,I did it one more time with your changes .
How about this ending?
All of the cells in my body simply shouted, I need to know more. I'm thirsty to learn more. Like my childhood dream the budget is limited and I have skipped unnecessary items. But I need more education in order to become a better engineer. I want to teach my kids how to bake cookies, how to design websites and countless other things that I myself have yet to learn.
Put a comma on each side of the name you insert into the sentence:
... these words are from computer science professor, Mr. Randy Pausch, in his last lecture.
number agreement:
...heard that students in other countries had their own personal computers .
Usually a comma is put before "such as"
halfway across the earth and lived in many countries, such as...
How about italics for this part:
All of the cells in my body simply shouted, I need to know more. I'm thirsty to learn more. Like my childhood dream of having a computer, this need is difficult to fulfill because my budget is limited, and I have skipped unnecessary items. But I need ...
I love the ending!!!
