Hello everyone. I apply for the full tuition fee scholarship of RMIT Vietnam University - Bachelor of Commerce.
Deadline is 17/05/2013 - I am so sorry for this late because I only know about this website few minutes ago. There are only 2 more day then I have to submit this one.
Could you please help me, have a look and give me some feedback, which paragraphs that you like or do not like. Tell me and I will fix that.
TT^TT
Statement of interest (approximately 600 words)
ˇ Long-term goals related to taking the program.
ˇ Reasons why you want to study at RMIT.
ˇ Reasons why you believe you will succeed in achieving your goals.
People say that starting your own business is difficult. From my experience, it also requires a lot of training. A few years ago, my parents ran a small business at home; they manufactured children's clothes to supply for stores in the area. Their high-quality products gradually became more well-known and they decided to expand their business. However, due to my parents' lack of professional training, they did not manage to achieve that goal quite well. Feeling their disappointment, from that time I wanted to become a great entrepreneur. I apply for the Bachelor of Commerce program at RMIT to learn how to handle and overcome every situation in this field and become a successful business woman in the future.
Our country is entering a new era when to be successful in business requires the skill of adaption to new cultural context, so I need to learn day by day from now. I believe RMIT University Vietnam is a good destination for me since it provides an excellent international and modernized learning environment.
I have been inspired by RMIT students and graduates.Through observing how they work, I realized that they are not only ambitious, creative, and enthusiastic but also cautious and patient, be highly employable and go very far in their career. I want to learn and to be trained in a place like that. RMIT is a suitable place for me to step out of my comfort zone, expand my horizons and learn new things.
One must not forget that I am a practical person. I am very good at consider, analyze and give solution to solve problems in both academic and daily life. I always have high appreciation from teachers about my problem-solving skills and constructive ideas in both a group setting and individually. Furthermore, thanks to good academic ability, I was voted by teacher and students to be a vice-learning class for three years at high school with the aim of helping the weaker students catching up with the lesson progresses. I was also a team-leader at team works in both learning and extracurricular activities.
Although studying in an international environment can be quite challenging I am persistent to process every single step to achieve my future goals. It should be pointed out that studying in a foreign language is not an easy task. However, I have the ability to overcome difficulties because my slogan to life is "Never give up and straight to success". Indeed, this scholarship will be an enormous motivation to me when I study at RMIT. It will push me to work harder and leads me to achieve excellent results in learning.
I have set out my goals and the procedures to proceed toward achieving my own goals. I am excited to begin this journey with a clear picture in my head of what I want my achievements to be. I'm also confident that I have a lot to offer for RMIT community. And I believe that RMIT University Vietnam is the best university to begin this journey.
Hopefully the experience studying in RMIT will be a turning point in my student lives, leading me to accomplish my personal goal to be a successful business woman. After that I can confidently help my country to become a better place. Although I know my contribution will be just a small part, I am happy to contribute it to my home land. As far as I'm concerned, I have to say that I am very lucky to have found RMIT, which is a highly unique and modern international university that cannot be found anywhere else in Vietnam.
(601 words)
Hey, dear, I think your essay needs to be revised because the first passage is not cohesive enough and the logical relations between sentences are not explicit. It will make your passage hard to follow at some point.
Second, there are several obvious grammatical mistakes you need to work on, like "very good at consider". It should be "very good at considering". Plus, the word "consider" is not appropriate enough either. Maybe "tackle" could be better.
Wish u luck! =)
Thank you so much. I fixed that mistakes already. And the first paragraph, I want it to be a hook so that it can attract them and make them continue reading my essay. Therefore, I do not want to follow the academic style in writing IELTS. Do you think it is ok?
From my experience, it also requires a lot of training.
With my experience, I believe it requires many skills as well as lots of training.A few years ago, my parents ran a small business at home; they manufactured children's clothes to supply for stores in the area.
A few years ago, my parents ran a small business of manufacturing children's garments that were supplied to many stores in our area.However, due to my parents' lack of professional training, they did not manage to achieve that goal quite well.
My parents had many skills to run this business, however lacked the professional training to manage it well. So they failed reaching their vision.