Hi, everyone. I want to apply for KGSP scholarship and this is my personal statement. I need your advice for my essay.. Please review my essay.
Thank you so much..
This is the guidance of the essay:
o Motivations with which you apply for this program
o Your education and work experience in relation to GKS.
o Reason for studying in Korea
oAny other aspects of your background and interests which may help us evaluate your aptitude and passion for graduate study or research.
THE WAYS TO BE A BETTER NURSE
I am Septiana from Indonesia. I have two big motivations to apply for this program. First, I want to enhance my nursing knowledge, skill and experience and gain it from top university in the world in developed country. If I study at top university in developed country, I believe that I can have many access including the easiness in access of medical journal from all over the world, also the opportunity to master the sophisticated medical technology. Those are very necessary in nursing world because the knowledge of medicine and nursing always develop rapidly every year. Furthermore, the technology is one of important things to diagnose and help to cure the patient. I believe Korea which has been famous for its technology , especially in Seoul National University as one of the top universities in the world has those facilities. Second, I know that to realize my goal to study at top university needs big cost. I believe that funding my own graduate study with low income from my job as a nurse is not a feasible option. Therefore, I need full scholarship to pursue my master degree in Nursing.
I got my bachelor degree in Nursing at 2016 from one of the best Universities in Indonesia with satisfactory GPA. The next year in 2017, I got my RN (nursing profession degree) in 2017 with cumlaude GPA from the same university. I was actively participated in some organization activites during my time as undergraduate student. I was trusted as a coordinator in my organization. I also made research about secondary traumatic stress in nurse which got score A in thesis examination. After I graduated in 2017, I am working at one of local hospital in Indonesia as an ICU (Intensive Care Unit) nurse. I have many significance experience in my workplace which encourage me to study more about disease and nursing. I met many foreigner patient and made me realize that I have to learn another language and culture to support my ability in Nursing. I also want to be a lecturer to develop human resource in Nursing. I believe the KGSP scholarship can support my goal to develop human resource in my country, improve my academic ability and also my carrier in Nursing.
I choose Korea as the place to study because of some reasons. First, because the Seoul National University that I want to attend is located in South Korea. Second, Nursing in korea is developing rapidly and has curriculum that I want to study. The next reason is this country has its own attractiveness. I admire their exclusive culture. There are some culture that I can get only from going to Korea, such as the clothes, the foods and the historical places. Especially, K-POP as one of their unique characteristics which makes me wonder how they can make it big and famous all over the world. The language, attitude and cultural from this powerful country captivated my heart. I believe all of that components can affect me to be a better nurse.
My education and my work experience are not the only motivations for me to get my master degree in Korea. My family also one of the reasons who encourage me to continue my study in Nursing. I am the second child in my family. I have grandma which has serious illness and my father is getting weak everyday. I also had an experience about my little brother who ever got dengue hemmoragic fever and got into critical room in hospital because of my lack ability in knowing the symptoms that happened in my brother. It moves my heart and encourage me to be a better nurse. I am willing to enrich my knowledge about disease and nursing, so the bad experiences would never happen again in my life.
All of the component, experiences and my background that happened in my life influence me significantly. I hope I can continue my study and get my master degree at my dream university and be a better nurse.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 11,926 3851
Hi Septiana, you have an essay that can use improvements. It is good enough, but can be better and will be better if you adjust the content to strengthen your information presentation. You will have to remove some information and add some explanations in certain aspects. Let me outline these for you below:
1. The reference to why you need the scholarship. They already know that you cannot afford to pay for your masters studies which is why you are applying for the scholarship. There is no need to remind the reviewer.
2. K-Pop curiosity is the most common reason used students when applying for a Korean scholarship. Do not use such common references as reasons for wanting to study in Korea. It will not help move your essay forward.
3. The organization you were a part of does not seem relevant to the information about your nursing career. It can be removed without problems
Add / Further Explain:
1. The name of the university you graduated from and how you were trained by the university in relation to your profession. Notable achievements required in an expanded form.
2. Develop the explanation of your research skills and other relevant information. What was the topic of the thesis, how it was researched, what its grade was when you defended it.
3. Add information regarding your continuing education and professional accomplishments.
4. A significant work experience that motivated your desire for advanced nursing studies.
5. As a university track applicant, explain what academic goals you have that will be fulfilled by your chosen university.
6. How do you see the education you will complete in Korea as helping your professional career or increasing the competency of nursing in your home country?
Your closing paragraph is weak. You need to close on a stronger note. One that signifies your confidence in your qualifications for consideration. Do not close on a pleading note as you do now. It shows a lack of confidence in your qualifications and work experiences.