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PERSONAL STATEMENT FOR KGSP/GKS undergraduate Scholarship, agriculture major

Maeve 1 / 1  
Aug 24, 2021   #1
Can you give a feedback on my essay? Thanks in advance.

- Motivations with which you apply for this program
- Family and Education background
- Significant experiences you have had; risks you have taken and achievements you have made, persons or events that have had a significant influence on you

- Extracurricular activities such as club activities, community service activities or work experiences
- If applicable, describe awards you have received, publications you have made, or skills you have acquired, etc.

inherited education

I came from a background where being told that education is the only inheritance I can get from my family. My parents are a young married couple and both of them didn't finish college. I grew up in the countryside with my maternal family before my mother left me at my grandparents' house on my father's side to make money in Thailand as a migrant laborer. Ever since childhood, I am used to loving growing vegetables, fruits, and flowers. Probably I acquired the genes for gardening and farming from my older generation who used to rely on farming as a living. I even used recycled planters out of plastic and other household items to grow the plants and tried out every single agricultural technique I found on Youtube in my garden such as growing plants in water, technically called hydroponics system. Needless to say, I dreamed of having a career where my passion can turn into a professional.

However, here in Myanmar, pursuing a career in the agricultural field is not quite easy. Truth be told, the agricultural universities ranked incredibly low and most of the graduates are stuck in the government sector with an inadequate contribution on ground reality even though the agricultural sector is the backbone of the country with 38 percent of GDP and more than 60 percent of the workforce. As for somebody from a low-income family, I couldn't pay for the agricultural degree from other countries like South Korea, popular and recognized for the advanced eco-friendly sustainable agricultural technologies and I dared not to risk my career when I am duty-bound to support my whole family after I graduated. Hence I enrolled in a high-ranked college with Business Management major together with the scholarship for the last two years after striving to be a straight-A student throughout my high school amid financial difficulties.

The Republic of Korea, ranked five in horticulture and herbal search, famous for smart farm innovations, going ahead with astonishingly large agricultural productivity using greenhouses, indoor farming, and various advanced technologies, is the aspiration for someone like me who comes from the country where people don't even have the proper knowledge and guidance in using fertilizers and ways to improve productivity both in traditional and modern. Furthermore, South Korea is the country to which I am accustomed in terms of culture, language, and even lifestyles through K-Pop, dramas, and variety shows since childhood. I believe it is never too late to follow the dream that has been lying in the depths of my heart for years. I wish to pursue a degree in Horticulture where I can fulfill my lifelong dream while making a contribution to farmers with my expertise and helping people who are migrating internally or internationally due to the shocking wages and lack of employment opportunities in rural areas, indeed similarly to my family.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 13,728 4511  
Aug 25, 2021   #2
The essay is a confusing hodge podge of information that does not take the required discussion topics inthe consideration. The umower will not be able to assess the relevance of the essay based on required data. Majority of the essay does not meet the consideration guidelines. The applicant has written an essay that will disqualify the application from consideration. As a 2nd college degree applicant, the consideration will already be weak.The priority applicants are fresh high school or equivalent graduates. So, the applicant needs to come up with a more appropriate and passionate personal statement. Review the prompt requirements and write the essay based on the indicated requirements. This essay is unusable.
ayutian 1 / 2  
Aug 25, 2021   #3
What is your motivation applying this program is still unclear. Also you still didn't explain about your extracurricular nor significant experience you've had. And for addition you can explain your skills related to your major.
OP Maeve 1 / 1  
Aug 26, 2021   #4
Thanks for your feedback. I will fix it and write again.
odereyn 1 / 3  
Aug 30, 2021   #5
You can add some detailed and information on your essay. For example what do you do during high school.
So the committee can know more about yourself.
Aug 30, 2021   #6
you should write it like professional not emotional. tell them about your talent and capacity sell yourself because you have to convince them that you are a right person for the scholarship.

hope this help you

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