Can you please give a feedback on my essasy?
KGSP/GKS PERSONAL STATEMENT
- MOTIVATION WITH WHICH YOU APPLY FOR THIS PROGRAM
- FAMILY AND EDUCATION BACKGROUND
- SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAD; RISKS YOU HAVE TAKEN AND ACHIEVEMENTS YOU HAVE MADE; PERSON OR EVENTS THAT HAVE HAD A SIGNIFICANT INFLUENCE ON YOU
- EXTRACURRICULAR ACTIVITIES SUCH AS CLUB ACTIVITIES, COMMUNITY SERVICE ACTIVITIES OR WORK EXPERIENCES
- IF APPLICABLE, DESCRIBE AWARDS YOU HAVE RECEIVED, PUBLICATIONS YOU HAVE MADE, OR SKILLS YOU HAVE ACCQUIRED, ETC.
South Korea have one of the best and widely recognized quality education. Importance of education and academics is very serious and top priority for Koreans. With so many top ranking, prestigious and beautifully constructed universities, it had become my ultimate dream destination for future studies. I want to pursue Computer Science and Engineering as my career. As it mainly consist of Logic, Mathematics, Algorithm, Coding I find all this really cool and weird enough to make my life an interesting challenge as well as fun. I love it because it make sense and they never lie. Computer Science has greatly made and still making a huge powerful impact on our society and transformed our way of living. They are the information processing tools and communication technologies that enables us to share information that effects all of us. The innovative artificial intelligence solutions and real time solution of problems encourage me to learn more. The way computers have gone from storing everything in room size to pocket size and now too constant increase in the efficiency has been remarkable. I desperately want to a part of this growth and innovation and experience it is something that stimulates me the most to choose this department. Republic of Korea has consistently secured a top spot in IT sector and has ranked as most innovative economy by Bloomberg, dominating international charts in R and D intensity, value-added manufacturing and patent activity. The country been among the world's most technologically advance and digitally connected countries is what motivates me the most to apply for this program. I strongly believe this program will help me to learn and improve my knowledge more precisely. It will also provide me an opportunity to meet a lot of new intellectual teachers, senior and students from all over the country which will make me think widely and improve my prospective globally. I believe South Korea and it's universities would be prefect for me to lead this digital revolution that is defining our future. If I assure this marvelous opportunity I'm ready to get out of my comfort zone and interrogate and bloom myself well to study in the environment I am in love with.
I come from a middle-class family of 4 members with my father working as a junior work manager at XX limited, my mother is a housewife and older brother who recently completed his bachelor degree is Computer Science and Engineering and now working at XX company. And here I am Hello! My mom gave me name Shatakshi which means one with hundreds of eyes (also means night). I'm the youngest and a genetic mixture of all 3 of them. With dad's discipline, honesty, mathematically inclined brain, positive thinking and calmness. Mom's creative, enthusiastic, active, caring, selfless and loving nature and Brother's supporting, motivating and passionate love towards Computers. I feel blessed having met and seen so many inspiring humans from all around the world that gave me so many essential insights about life and widened my perspective. But on top of everyone, most inspiring have as always been my mother and father. They taught me how to be a respectful and honest human being. Thank you mom and dad for providing me the best education, food, shelter and unconditional love you can. Eat that frog book by Brain Tracy about 21 great ways to stop procrastinating and get more done in less time as a significance in my life. This book gave me a push I needed to organize my to-do lists, plan my day, become more productive and get focused.
Talking about my education background I recently completed my high school education with scoring 96.33% in 12th H.S.C Board and stood among top 1% students in my high school. I also secured 91.2% and 12th position in my school in 10th C.B.S.C Board and choose Science as my major with Physics, Chemistry, Mathematics, English and Computer Science as my subject.
Back in 9th grade when I was 14 years old and our family just moved to XX city from XX district, I had a significant experience in my teen life. Our school sport club was looking for a new girl Throwball player. Me being sports enthusiastic went for selection round (It was a complete new game for me. I never knew this sport exist). Being a quick leaner I easily understood the rules and how it is played. After 2-3 days of practice I was really able to play well, I think being a school level Basketball, Badminton player and left handed helped me to outstand other and the reason behind my strong core arms strength (or throwing power). Later I got selected in team and after 1-2 months of intense practice I was able to secure myself as a permanent member in team 9. But a week before our very important match and an important mathematics test in my private tuition I had an injury on my left hand's little finger while practicing. Later doctor told me my little finger is broken and as it's fracture it would take 2 week to get fixed. I was completely broken as I was only left-handed player in my entire team which was an advantage. I tried playing with my fractured finger but it was really painful and risky. So I was not able take part in competition and I also missed my test which my teacher was really looking forward too. Those 2 weeks were very downhearted. But I didn't stop playing, that injury made me visualize I still haven't proved myself enough that I'm not among those who give up. After recover I practiced even harder, everyone used to call me an ace player. Later that year we won 1st price in school inter-house sports competition under my captaincy and in 10th grade we were able to won district level throwball championship by my winning service which made us qualify for next round. During my 10th grade farewell I was praised by teachers in front of whole school as Mathematics topper and all-rounder.
From a very young age my parents had made me participant in so many various competition. That's the reason I'm always an active, sporty, enthusiastic and all-rounder person. I had took part in so many extracurricular activities such as eco-club leader in 10th grade, one of 4 representative in inter-house quiz competition in 7th grade and a scout and guides volunteer for 3 years till 8th grade. Being a house captain of entire school in class 8th taught me the importance of team spirit and improve my leadership qualities. I'm fluent in three language: Marathi (my mother tongue), Hindi and English (India's 2 official language). I also had Sanskrit as a language subject for 5 years. I have been district level chess champion in class 6th which made me the youngest chess player in entire school for entering the regional round. Sports have always been my passion. I'm good at playing badminton, basketball, volleyball, chess and throwball. I also learnt how to solve 3*3 Rubik's cube in class 8th, my fastest solving time is 57 seconds and average time is 1 minute 20-30 seconds. I had participants and won many school level competition like speed maths, art and craft, science exhibition and silver medal in Maths Olympaid. Dancing is my specialty. I had took part in around 50+ competition and events. I also a participate in K-POP Contest India 2021 in dance category organized by Korean Culture Centre India. Talking about few other skills I know all the state capitals of India and around 60-70 Countries capitals. I have a Pinterest account with currently 500k+ monthly views, 300k+ audience and 300+ followers. I enjoy capturing beautiful nature oriented picture, aesthetic photos and editing videos, I upload these content on my Pinterest Account so many people all around the world can see and enjoy nature.
I hope I was able to meet your expectations. Through support from this program, I'm hoping to be able to achieve ideal education. I hereby conclude my personal statement. Thank you for patiently reading my application.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 11,734 3791
The essay is all over the place. The motivation to study in Korea and why you chose the major are 2 different motivating factors. There are 2 motivating factors to consider :
- Korea's contribution to Computer Science Engineering
- Desire to recieve the best training possible prior to graduation.
The idea of your studies being " wierd" and "cool" are definite turn -off references for the reviewer. Words like those maybe used among your peers but not in front of academic professionals such as application reviewers. Top ranking and beautifully designed universities also shows that you do not have properly considered motivations for studies in Korea.
Bloomberg is not applying for the scholarship. Avoid using researched information or frame it to sound more personal.
The language skills are relevant since these are not used in Korean universities. Only English and,most importantly, Hangul, matters. There is a heavy focus on sports rather than academic accomplishments. Those academic accomplishments are far more considerable than the multi-sports skills you have. Expand on those aspects instead. The essay is not good at all. It is only usable as a draft. Based on required accomplishments though, the essay just does not work.