learn from the south korea
Hai there! I would very much appreciate it if anyone would take the time to read and criticize my essay. what is necessary to add or should be deleted? and what can be done better?
The essay should consist the following and the length should be within 2 A4 pages:
- Motivations with which you apply for this program
- Family and Education background
- Significant experiences you have had; risks you have taken and achievements you have made, persons or events that have had a significant influence on you
- Extracurricular activities such as club activities, community service activities or work experiences
- If applicable, describe awards you have received, publications you have made, or skills you have acquired, etc.
I am the fourth child of a family with seven members. My father is the chief editor of a newspaper, while my mother is a housewife. My first brother is currently working under my father as a journalist. My second brother is a piano teacher and a freelance musician. My third brother is currently finishing his bachelor degree, majoring in Mass Communication, while I just graduated high school, majoring in social sciences. Lastly, my younger brother is still a toddler. My parents initially didn't want me to pursue a gap year, but I persuaded them - convincing them that I wanted to take my time to decide what I want to study in university instead of hurrying then regretting my choices afterwards. Now, I have finally come to a definite decision.
I grew up in a religiously-oriented country where there are people who assume that the lack in discipline is caused by not being religiously strong. I had no problem with that mindset, until one particular moment made me realize that it can be flawed. One day when I was in middle school, someone I knew committed suicide. Days after his death, I heard people talking about how he was religiously weak and that he ended his life because of his lack of faith in God. I was in a state of disbelief, and thought that it was so ignorant of them to judge and assume something based on their little understanding. That's when I realized how unaware people can be about these mental issues. This became my motivation to apply for this program. I want to study psychology and understand how each person psychologically differs from one another and why such differences exist. I want to understand in a more in-depth aspect on the little things that people think don't matter. With enough education, I want to raise awareness of mental health, especially in Indonesia, and help individuals to achieve a society with more positive energy. Thus, I am trying to reach out to the best education that I can have.
South Korea has always been an option for me since I've always been interested in the Korean culture. To me, South Korea is a continuously developing country that learns from its' mistake everyday to grow even better on the next. What makes me so attracted to the country is because they're still able to maintain and not let its cultural foundation wither despite modernization unlike many other countries. Other than being provided with financial assistance, I'm motivated to study psychology through this program because the Korean government itself has taken a step forward to raise mental health awareness amongst people who would rather avoid the said topic. I would like to learn about that and be exposed to the Korean environment so that I'll be able to learn and do the same steps in Indonesia once I graduate, since many are still unaware about that issue despite having a low suicidal rate. Moreover, I'm excited to be able to widen my perspective in an international scale since I'll be studying in a foreign country with more diverse students.
I have always disliked learning solely from textbooks, for I believe true knowledge is beyond what's written in books. Other than that, I've always liked doing physical activities since they free me from stress. Thus, I engage myself with a lot of extracurricular activities, including acting, singing, dancing, and sports. Despite not knowing anything about acting, I pushed myself to join dramas and discovered new things as I also developed my teamwork skills. One day, I was able to obtain the main role in a musical which also donated its' profit to XXX. Next, I was also a part of my high school's modern dance team. We competed and won numerous competitions, and we also volunteered as performers in varies events. Lastly, despite not being active in the sports community, I was able to compete and win first place is a national long jump competition, thus being able to represent my city.
Other than arts and sports, I was thankfully able to contribute and help school events and also international events. As for school events, I was able to help out in career fairs, university fairs, and also open houses. As for international events, I was able to volunteer for the eighteenth Asian Games, and also for Balinale- a film festival organized by Yayasan Bali Taksu Indonesia. Due to the amount of extracurricular activities I've engaged with and my considerably high GPA, I was given the Director's Award at the end of my high school year by XXX. I was told that it's given to a student who has shown improvement in all aspects of school life - academics, school activities, social, and spiritual growth.
From all of the extracurricular activities I've done, I believe I have enhanced the following skills the most; communication, critical-thinking, and decision-making skills. With better communication, I was able to understand more about the people around me and also from the people around me. By listening and engaging myself with crowds that were so different in terms of religion, culture, and mindset, I was able to widen my perspectives and find the importance of acceptance to have unity in diversity. With good communication, I was also able to develop my teamwork skills since I've learned how to voice out my ideas more directly and also listen to other people's views. By speaking up and accepting opinions of others, I have slowly strengthened my critical-thinking and decision-making skills in order to be able to meet in the middle ground despite of the multiple voices that needs to be weighted.
I am ready to show the world what I'm capable of and what I'm willing to do. If given the chance to study with the help of KGSP, I promise to not only make a difference in myself, but also impact my surrounding greatly and positively.
@alyssa2036
Hi there. It's good to see you around here! I hope you find this feedback beneficial for your writing endeavors. We're always looking forward to having new people around here.
Firstly, it would be better if you had incorporated a more technical opening for your essay. While your writing is decent, it is noticeable how you were unable to provide a firm foundation from the very beginning. I heavily recommend building on the work present in order to substantiate with a more appropriate academic tone.
While the second paragraph adds a lot of personal sentiments to the writing that can seemingly help your admission, these details can also be treated with a heavy hand. I would recommend to be cautious with details that you're sharing with the people as to evade being misunderstood.
Try to make your sentiments and proclamations a lot more bolder and concise. Shortening your words will help you relate more to the person reading and evaluating, especially considering the lack of language transmission present.
Merged:
Personal Statement (2020 GKS KGSP Undergraduate)
This is my latest personal statement update. I really appreciate it if you can point out specifically what i can do to improve this essay
Thank you!
These are the things that needs to be included in the essay:
- Motivations with which you apply for this program
- Family and Education background
- Significant experiences you have had; risks you have taken and achievements you have made, persons or events that have had a significant influence on you
- Extracurricular activities such as club activities, community service activities or work experiences
- If applicable, describe awards you have received, publications you have made, or skills you have acquired, etc.
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We can spot a billion magnificent differences in every aspect of this world, and yet those differences effortlessly blend with each other and make the world we live in beautiful. That's how people are too - We are a society of unique minds, but unlike nature, we struggle to achieve unity. I question a lot on how to find the middle ground for everyone - That's when I realize the beauty of psychology. Psychology dissects the differences of our minds to the roots. With that said, I believe psychology is the key to find unity in diversity.
I want to study psychology and understand the roots of social problems. With enough education, I want to raise awareness of mental health, especially in Indonesia, and help individuals to achieve a society with more positive energy. Thus, I am trying to reach out to the best education that I can have without being a burden to my parents.
I'm the only daughter, and am the fourth child of a family with seven members. My father is the chief editor of a newspaper, while my mother is a housewife. There have been times when we struggle financially, and frustration fills me as I struggle to find a way to help. I remember what my dad told me when I said that I couldn't help on anything. He told me that "I must study". Due to my considerably high GPA compared to my brothers, my parents wanted me to have the best education, but I think the best education can be costly, therefore I decided to take a gap year to lessen the financial burden. My parents initially didn't want me to pursue a gap year, but I persuaded them - convincing them that I wanted to take my time to decide what I want to study in university instead of regretting my choices afterwards. Now, I have finally come to a definite decision.
South Korea has always been an option for me to study since I've always been interested in the Korean culture. What makes me so attracted to the country is because they're still able to maintain and not let its cultural foundation wither despite modernization. Other than being provided with financial assistance, I'm motivated to study psychology through this program because the Korean government itself has taken a step forward to raise mental health awareness amongst people who would rather avoid the said topic. I would like to learn about that and be exposed to the Korean environment, so that I'll be able to do similar steps in Indonesia. Moreover, I'm excited to be able to widen my perspective in an international scale and grow as a strong individual.
I've always disliked studying solely from textbooks, for I believe true knowledge is gained from experience. Other than that, I have always liked physical activities since they free me from stress. Thus, I participate in many extracurricular activities, such as singing, dancing, acting, and sports. I've experienced many 'first-times' in those activities with people who are advanced compared to me, but being inexperienced didn't demotivate me. Knowing my weaknesses means that I have more room to grow, so I try to maximize my capability. An example would be when I first joined a musical in 10th grade. I was definitely shy and clueless, but later I began to open up and express myself more. Subsequently, I worked very hard and was complimented many times by the musical Director. My hard work paid off since I began my musical path as a supporting role, and ended my high school as a lead actress for a musical that donated its' profit to the HeForShe Youth Indonesia and to the Sulawesi disaster victims.
Being able to contribute to society by doing something I enjoy truly fills my heart with joy. Thankfully, I was also able to volunteer in international events, such as the 18th Asian Games, and also for Balinale - a non-profit annual film festival. I was engrossed by the diversity and was in a state of panic for a short while, but I learned from it. I was able to understand more about the people around me and learn from the people around me. By listening and engaging myself with crowds that varies in terms of religion, culture, and mindset, I was able to widen my outlook. I developed my teamwork skills by voicing out my ideas more directly and finding the middle ground despite the multiple voices that needs to be weighted.
I consider the extracurricular activities very significant in my life, since I was able to collaborate with amazing people and continuously develop myself. The knowledge I've gained outside of school made me yearn for more - sometimes I suffer physically from doing so many things all at once. For example, on the first week I had to go out of town to participate in a national long jump competition. On the second week, I had to volunteer for Asian Games. On the third week, I had to practice for my school's open house performances. It was hectic, I felt unwell, and was worried about my scores dropping. Despite it all, I was able to cope with it and make sure what I plan to do will only impact me positively. I'd like to think that I succeeded, since I was given the Director's Award by the end of high school. My high school principal told me that it's given to a student who has shown improvement in all aspects of school life - academics, school activities, social, and spiritual growth. Though I succeeded, I'm sure I wouldn't have done it without the support of my friends and family, and for the countless pushes they've given me when I had second thoughts.
I am ready to show the world what I'm capable of and what I'm willing to do. If given the chance to study with the help of KGSP, I promise to not only make a difference in myself, but also impact my surrounding greatly and positively.Undergraduate
Hai! I've made a revised version. would you mind giving your opinion on what is lacking and what can be done to improve my essay?
Thank you
