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Personal statement of Korean Government scholarship program - after my bachelor degree

deayz 1 / 1  
Sep 1, 2019   #1
Hello! My name deay this is the first time I write essays for a scholarship l so I really need your feedback and advice for my essays. So sorry for the grammar errors, I'll fix them after getting your feedback. Thank you in advance !

- Motivations with which you apply for this program
- Family and Education background
- Significant experiences you have had; risks you have taken and achievements you have made, persons or events that have had a significant influence on you

- Extracurricular activities such as club activities, community service activities or work experiences
- If applicable, describe awards you have received, publications you have made, or skills you have acquired, etc.

massive financial support plus educational opportunity

I've read an article about Indonesia as a mediator between a conflict of Rohingya in Myanmar, it made my curiosity came up, how could Indonesia end this conflict?how Indonesia make negotiate to resolve this promble ?as I knew this ethics conflict was very complicated.

Those all of the questions are fulfill inside my head. My curiosity to do some research about that case more build up every day, I spent much time reading journals, papers and e-book to answer my desire about Rohingya. After I did analysis from what I had already read, it made me realized that I became more interested in violating human rights, I was deeply sadden by all the violent and I was sure many of you also feel the same when I said those innocent people were dying as a result. My future plan is, I want to help the world to be better place to live in, without conflict and discrimination it's the reason why I chose to study international relations.

Studying in Korea is definitely my best choice, Korea as a part of 7 countries of international human rights conventions, it's very active, for overcome global issues in the United Nations. That's why it would be so great to start education in here. I hope it will impact the knowledge necessary for informed policy formation skill. The possibility of choosing the KGSP will give me the chance to continue my education in Korea. I see international relations is a promising field. It's because international relations brings broad concept that we are not just learn how to deal with people from all around the world which means that we as delegates have different cultures and mindset about so many things but we also learn about business and law in international concept.Maybe someday as a bachelor in this field, I could prevent bad possibilities that will happen in the future and help others as a part of humanity action. For example we could make a collaboration of young generation among Indonesian and South Korean Youth, South Korean idol and International organization such as UNICEF, WHO, United Nations and many other of international organizations to make some events which have advantageous for both countries. For example like making fun and useful activities such as planting 10 trees or more then persuade people especually young generatios to upload it in social media, it will be very helpful. The fact that KPOP wave really influence so many youngsters, it made me think that Korean Idol could bring huge impact for so many people. I can not deny that Korean fans are very nomerous.I believe if they join these events, they are not just fangirling but help the world too. in addition this events can to strengthening the bonds between my country and South Korea.

And I believe Korean Government Scholarship is not only provide massive financial support but also an opportunity to attend many top universities in korea. Apart from that, one year of Korean language program is an effective way to boost my language skill. This period is also a golden chance for me to make friends with students from different countries and enhance my interpersonal skill.

A long time ago, before my mother married my stepfather, a horrible thing happened in my small family. My father passed away leaving my mother and his daughter. Since my father passed away my mother had to sell herbal medicine to feed up her daughter.growing up in Poverty did not distract me to study. in my senior high school, I have been always be a top rank student in my class. I also often represent my school for competition and workshop. I remembered that I used to be a shy girl in high school. Joining the competition, and represent my school didn't make me show my confidence in front of people. I once faced hard time in my life. I had been chosen to represent my school for English speech competition in University of Muhammafiyah Jakarta, I was very surprised at the time. I was really nervous about the obstacles that I had to deal with. I spoke about education in Indonesia, I told them that not every kid in Indonesia got the same education. although I was not win in this competition, the judges were very interested with the theme of my speech, they said my speech was so good but I looked very nervous on the stage. My failure experiences from speech competition made me decide to join student council in my school, the euphoria of being leader in leadership section of student council really fueled my desire. For me, leadership is not a character that can anyone get easily although everybody has their potential.

as a leader, it's my job to give an idea while having a discuss. I really enjoyed the moment when I saw people willingly give their opinion in the discussion, it was really fun. I gained trust to my self that I could overcome my fear. Participate in student council was quite meaningful experience, I could improve my social skill and improve my confidence. During weekend, I spent my time to learn a new language in one of communities in depok lingua, I really love learning new language. I believe when I try to learn, it will be helpful someday .
Maria - / 1,098 389  
Sep 2, 2019   #2
Hi there, Deay! Welcome to the forum. I hope that this feedback would be beneficial for your application. I know these times pose a lot of pressure - and I truthfully hope that you push through! If you like the feedback, don't hesitate to come back for more from us.

First and foremost, I find that the introductory portion of the text is quite nicely structured. The first sentences, although included a bit of dramatization to enhance the creative approach of the topic, were able to properly expound your intent in the application. I heavily suggest keeping up this tone of language throughout your written work.

However, I did find that the succeeding paragraphs had a lot of unnecessary information that could have been omitted. Instead of focusing on your personal fantasies towards the country, I heavily suggest that you attempt to integrate more of an integral writing approach wherein you explain things from a pragmatic and realistic point of view.
OP deayz 1 / 1  
Sep 4, 2019   #3
Hello! maria thank for your feedback, May i know a sentence that do not have to that should be omitted ?? Thx u

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