Personal statement for MSC Health Science. This is my first time writting an SOP

Hi everyone, I'm writting a personal statement for VU Amsterdam master scholarship in Health Science. Please help me with grammar and contribute any ideas. THank you so much.

My Personal statement

"Oh my god, that's so crowded" is what Laura, a Denmark dental student in our charity crew said when we first came to a small medical station on a charity trip organized by a group of Denmark oral specialists in "Dental health without border" project. There were approximately hundreds of people from elderly to adolescents greeting and waving when 9 people of us stepped off from the bus. It was a long and busy day for our group when numerous patients waiting and queuing up for their turn to receive free oral treatment from the dental experts. At the end of the day, when professor John said that we needed to stop, suddenly, an old woman who was waiting for hours in the line approaching and asking us to examine her niece but unfortunately we were all exhausted and ran out of dental implements and equiqments so professor John explained and requested them to go home. The lady started to cry and beg us to help her poor little girl because she had suffered from a very serious toothache for days but nothing that we could perform but to advise her to visit the nearest hospital. At that moment, I could see the disappointment from her austere face that made my heart broken, I wished i could help them but it was really an impossible task for an inexperienced second year student. The harsh face of the old woman induced me to think a lot and realized that what if that poor lady who spent hours of waiting was well-quipped with knowledge of basic healthcare and sickness prevention, her niece would have never fallen into this miserable situation.

After the charity trip, I have regconized the importance of the public health field in current society. Being a general practitioner with excellent clinical skills is still deficient in improving the health quality of a whole community if lacking the awareness of disease prevention and indispensable health policies, which lead me to the curiosity about the work of public health practitioners. During six years at the medical school, I had occasion to approach fundamental knowledge of epidemiolgy, bio statistic, dental public health, carrying researchs, planing health projects for community and etc... which allowed me to build a firm foundation and support my first footstep towards my public health career. However, I always know that in order to become a qualified and independent public health specialist, further education and training with experts in public health field are very essential.

I graduated in the year of 2014 with the degree Doctor of Medicine specialized in dentistry and worked in Cairang medical preventive center, a local health centre which provides basic health care services and making epidemilogical surveys, stateges for disease prevention where allows me to accumulate speciality knowledge in both clinical skill and public health aspect. Working in Cairang medical center for three years offers me a great opportunity to approach and supply basic health care services for my community. And also allow me to apprehend specifically about general health status of local community in my hometown. As I have observed that the most of our patients only search for health care services when they realize some abnormal phenomenons or serious symptoms that lead to unsustainable situations. I believe that if there were more researchs about public health as well as programs that help local people improve the awareness and knowledge about basic health care and sickness prevention, the common health circumstance in my community would improve significantly which motivate me perceive the indispensable role of public health to my hometown and impulse me to pursue the master course of health science specializing in international public health.

Hence, attending a master course of health science specialized in international public health at an Europe nation which has the most modern and effective healthcare system with experts in public health would be the greatest opportunity for me to develop my career. One of the most attractive point from MSc Health Science that convince me to apply for the course is the way that how health science experts approach the health problems, which is rather distintive and comprehensive in comparision with clinical practitioners's methods. Standing in front of a common heath issue, health scientists will consider possible related factors from many different aspects such as health policies, traditional customs, economic and politic areas, etc... to determine the root factors and search for the most appropriate solutions for the current situation instead of concentrating on treatment and rehabilitation. One further reason encourages me to achieve higher education in your country about public health is the famous "Dutch healthcare" which was rated as the best among Europe nations in the 2016 Euro Health Consumer Index. Training under the guidance of diligent public health experts in VU Amsterdam, a prestigous university will be an ideal way of inspiring students to experience and study about one of the best healthcare models in the world as well as to keep abreast of the lastest developments.

Achieving further education in a developed nation like Netherland is a lifetime opportunity for a student coming from a developing country like my self to open my eyes and see how beautiful the world is, answer the question that I'm always looking for when I was a child, and mostly, to become the best version of myself and apply useful knowledge from the program to better general public health in my country.

Lastly, I would like to say thank you, Vrije university Amsterdam, for reading my SOP and offer such a generous grant to support students with limited financial condition like myself. It would be a great hornour to step in your university as a master member and that is all I want to present in my SOP.

Best reagards

Hi @ tuannguyen6772,

1- Please, try to shorten the intro story and remove unnecessary details.

2- try to shorten and don't repeat the info, to make the reader enjoy not get bored

you can say, After the graduation, with.... , I gained/ acquired specialty knowledge in both clinical....and basic health...,through working in ....for 3 years
and so on throughout the essay.

@asmaasalem
Thank you very much for helping me, I'll try to shortend the story and details

@tuannguyen6772 a personal statement is not written in the form of a partial creative narrative. Rather, it is written in a formal academic style that indicates a specific set of information. The personal statement for an MS course requires you to simply explain how your interest in this course progressed ever since you graduated as a college student. A summarized presentation of your career progression that led to your current position will help to establish the importance of your career development. Your current influences that have opened your eyes to the need for higher education can be mentioned slightly as well as that is discussed at length in the SOP. What is lacking is the explanation of why you think that studying in the Netherlands is the best fit for you. In particular, why the university that you want to enroll in? What do you look forward to about studying at that university? These are the basic elements represented in the personal statement. What you have is not a personal statement. It is more of an open topic narrative discussion. Needless to say, a new essay is in order.