using knowledge and experiences in the petroleum industry
Please help me to improve this essay I'm applying for PTDF scholarship.
As a graduate of geology, I have the plan to study and has chosen an M.sc in petroleum geology at the University of Maiduguri because I am interested in the topics taken during my undergraduate degree particularly sedimentary petrology and formation evaluation. My interest in these areas was first arose during my undergraduate studies at the University of Maiduguri where I studied geology and I chose to accomplish a final year topic on Microfossils analysis of mudstone member of Gombe formation. During my research I sourced books relating to petroleum geology and my interest was further arose and when reading petroleum geology it doesn't only covers the above topics but will also introduce you to new areas of paleontology and environment of deposition of sediments which will also broaden my knowledge and understanding of the topic as a whole. I achieved a very high grade for my dissertation and I am keen to build on my interest in research during the dissertation element of the course.
My internship experience at NNPC depot Maiduguri during my industrial training reinforced my interest the areas of health safety and environment, and I was able to experience the effects of applying Government legislation in a working environment. As a skilled petroleum geologist I will use my knowledge and experiences in the petroleum industry as well as make sure organization aim and objectives are achieved.
Watch out for your capitalization. It is imperative to have this consistent to ensure that your language would be formal and academic. Remember that when you are writing scholarship letters, these small details are crucial to showcase that you are truly capable of research. This is important, especially because you are applying for higher levels of study.
Now, having said that, I think that your essay should also focus more on having more substantiated depth. Remember that writing is not just about showing that your background is in line with whatever you are proposing - rather, you should also show that you are interested in the program that you are applying for. What you can do is expound more in detail things that excite you about the curriculum, the academic environment of the school, and the general long-run benefits that you would reap from partaking in this program. If you showcase enthusiasm in writing, they will show interest in your application as well.
Keeping all of these in mind, I suggest the following revisions:
I'm a graduate in a geological program with intent to study at the University of Maiduguri under the Masters in Science in Petroleum Geology. I have taken a keen interest in sedimentary petrology and fomation evaluation from my undergraduate. My interest emerged when I was accomplishing my final year, doing tasks related to micofossils analysis of the mudstone member of the gombe formation. My in-depth research experience caused me to read on topics related to new areas of paleontology and the environment of deposition of sediments to broaden my knowledge on the topic. After achieving top-notch grades and exceling in my dissertation, I want to build on what I had started through this program.
Notice how instead of taking shortcut routes, I attempted to curate a more formal language approach as this is what is appropriate when you are writing scholarship letters. In addition to this, try to not be repetitive when it comes to details. For instance, there is no need for you to make mention that you had studied geology in your undergraduate five times in a single paragraph as it becomes irrelevant after the third time. Instead, create more depth through expounding on what you had experienced and building from then on.
Keep these in mind as you are writing. Best of luck!