Prompt
Discuss the subject you excel or have excelled. To what factor do you attribute your success?
My essay
Three thousand students rattle around me. They scream, they hug, and they make the excretions that help me guess their words. I hear jokes about Helen Killer but "do the Helen killer" is no joke. Although I have keen eyes, great hearing and the ability to speak when I moved to United States and enroll in high school I understood English as much as a person with out extraordinary abilities could understand bees language. However, through high school from freshmen year to sophomore year and now senior year I went from ABC picture book to Shakespeare's Hamlet.
In 2007 my parents decided we were moving to U.S. The news surprised me as storm from clear blue sky would. Moving to United states didn't appear as the biggest problem after I reached Dallas but the language. When school started I was enrolled in two English for other language speakers:one for writing and reading the other for speaking and listening both level one. During the first week of class I received the text book. I opened some pages in to the book; I saw a giant 'A' then a humongous red apple's picture under that was the word 'Apple' and to the left was the how to pronounce Apple. The book reminded me of a gift my parents gave me when I was in kindergarten.
The teacher, Mrs. A, was patient and understanding; I run to her room every morning before class start and borrow more advanced books. When second semester start Mrs. A provided me with more worksheets to work on from her level two and three class. Around the end of the year, course registration form came I decided to sign up for regular English in the up coming year.
Throughout my sophomore and junior year I stayed in regular English. Regular English had more writing assignments; a text book composed of more than a thousand pages, long stories, and there wasn't a picture of an apple; we read books like "to kill a mockingbird" by lee Harper and the great gatsby. As a junior I had a new teacher Mrs. T. Mrs. T required me to study vocabulary words and to write more than others in me class. Although I enjoyed writing and learning poetry Mrs. T's assignment took too much extra time. I made A's all my sophomore and junior year at the end of junior year Mrs. T suggested that I pick Advance Placement (AP) English 4 or AP English composition.
Although I haven't been speaking English for more than four years, I didn't back down from Mrs. T's challenge. I enrolled for AP English 4. We had a summer reading list of three master pieces and we chose two of them for the assignment, instead of more than 100 novels for regular English. Othello by Shakespeare, wuthering heights by Emily Bronte, and Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austin were the three choices; I chose the last two. Mrs. R, my new English teacher, passed out a six pages long syllabus written in font 9 Times New Roman. The syllabus had the list of novels and plays assigned for the class one of them was Hamlet by Shakespeare. AP English is much harder and interesting; For me the books took longer to understand but they had themes and they told stories unlike a picture of a simple apple. I knew I wasn't going to be making 100s, as in ESL and Regular English: however, I wasn't expecting to fail the class either. I had 76 the first six weeks of class; I felt a failure for life. An unacceptable 76 on my progress report didn't kill me, and for the third six weeks I had a 94, averaging the semester for a B.
Question:- can you help me by editting the essay or give me advise how to better write this essay? Thank you
However,through high school from my freshmen year to sophomore yearand now senior year, I went from ABC picture book to Shakespeare's Hamlet.
I really enjoyed reading your essay! You have come a long way in learning English! Great Job!
Hello!
I am very impressed by your ability to learn English so quickly! Great job!
A few tips, though...
First off, I believe her name is Hellen Keller, not Killer.
Also, it should be "we were moving to the U.S."
and "surprised me like a storm"
Another sentence that needs some work:
"Moving to United states didn't appear as the biggest problem after I reached Dallas but the language." It sounds as though it stops in the middle of a thought. If you say something more like, ""Moving to the United states didn't appear as the biggest problem after I reached Dallas, but the language did."
"When school started I was enrolled in two English courses for other language speakers:one for writing and reading and the other for..."
Don't forget that "To Kill a Mockingbird" and "The Great Gatsby" need to be underlined and capitalized because they are the titles of books.
"Othello by Shakespeare, Weathering heights by (Don't forget to put in the name of the author) and pride and prejudice by Jane Austin were the three choices and I chose the last two."
"I felt like a failure for life and like a bird with a broken wing. An Unacceptable 72 on my progress report didn't kil be(did you mean kill me?), and for the third six weeks I had a 94 averagewhich gave me a B for the class. "
Once again, I am impressed by how much you have learned. Keep up the great work!
You have alot of small spelling errors and thats pretty much it.
I think you should say,
As I sit in a class of 31 people and the only foreign raised student making an A with half of the class
Oh yeah, this is a great essay and I am glad you were able to master English as well as you did. Good Luck!!
I run to her room every morning before class start and borrow more advanced books
Something wrong with this sentence.
I found your 5th para quite boring. Try to cut out details.
Good luck.
Thank you every one for your corrections.
and would this be less boring for para. 5 ?
