Unanswered [0] / Urgent [0] / SERVICES
 DrAfT!
Home / Scholarship   5

After study I want to be involved in maintaining the quality of Indonesia's marine environment


What are your plans when you finish your studies*?

essay for AAS



After I finish my study, I will apply as civil servants in Ministry of Environment & Forestry (Indonesia). In that ministry, there is a sector of marine pollution and environmental damage control which will give me the opportunity to be involved in maintaining the quality of Indonesia's marine environment. By applying the knowledge that I learned in Australia, I will ensure all waste that being dumped into the sea by industrial, household, and port is safe and doesn't damage marine ecosystems.

@frenchries

Yap, there is only one paragraph because the limit of character is 500. So it just enough for only a paragraph. I need a feedback, whether my sentence quite clear and precise to answer that question?
Apr 19, 2017   #4
I would be best if you change the second sentence of your paragraph response. There is no need to explain the reason that the department exists to the reader. Just explain what kind of job you will be doing as a member of that department. From there, if you want to, you can also change the last sentence to instead, reflect the kind of change that you hope to bring to the department. That sentence currently feels like it doesn't really focus on a particular career path upon your return. Be more specific. If you need more characters to accommodate the changes, you can remove the phrase at the start about "After I graduate..." since that is already implied in the prompt. You can just go direct to the point in order to more properly use the available word count. Your response is good, but it can be better. I hope you consider my suggestions for your essay. I am sure it will help to improve the overall content of your response.
I think you should make example which is applicable to implement in Indonesia. I am Indonesian too. are u sure could ensure all waste that being dumped into the sea by industrial, household, and port is safe and doesn't damage marine ecosystems??? How? big question on it.

let me give an example, "I would establish a community local group in my area. Providing training and socialization about..... to improve public awareness of....

This is a simple and applicable example. If u could explain the effect for your area and connect it with world's need it is more good.

good luck!!


Home / Scholarship / After study I want to be involved in maintaining the quality of Indonesia's marine environment