Hello everyone
This is my Fulbright Scholarship essay. Please, please help me to correct and give any suggestions.. urgent.. the deadline is tomorrow..
Thank you!
a clear and detailed description of your study objectives. Give your reason for wanting to pursue them in the U.S. Describe the kind of program you expect to undertake, and explain how your proposed field of study fits in with your educational background, your professional background, your future objectives, and your future involvement in community development. Please type, do not write.
They said an engineer is a professional practitioner of engineering, concerned with applying scientific knowledge, mathematics, and ingenuity to develop solutions for technical, societal and commercial problems. This is what I do at work everyday. Yes, I'm an engineer. I'm currently working in an oil and gas engineering company as a Jr. QA/QC Engineer, for 2 years now.
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I notice that you choose to add years at the end of sentences. Try adding them at the beginning. It will make the paper easier to read. Also, you are using the word got quite frequently. I will suggest some ways to change this so the reader isn't distracted by the grammar. Also, try not to use stuff so frequently. You learned about engineering so you know that there is specific information that one must learn in this field. I think your enthusiasm is great! However, you may want to delete (And I love it!). I think it is used too much in this essay. Actually, if you want to use the term love, I think it is more appropriate when you discuss how you love to learn and love your job.
In the first paragraph, I am going to give an example of how to change the years. Ex: For two years, I have worked at an agency that specialized in placing office workers. Follow the same format when describing your experience working with the oil and gas company. Use a transition word such as However or Yet to begin the next sentence in this paragraph. Make sure to put a comma after the word you decide to use.
Most of the second paragraph needs to be changed. It seems like you are talking about your past experience working on site. I think you should state that when you were a recent graduate a company sent you to their location to work on site. Delete there after projects. I would revise the last two sentences. It seems as if your interactions in this team provided you with the knowledge and skills to learn engineering. Is this correct?
The third paragraph, I would spell the word 2. Then I would start describing the projects I worked on. The reader will know you are telling them something new. You could describe it by stating that, while working for that company you completed two projects. When you discuss the projects,You can start the first sentence with the word, "During the first project" and delete the comma and I and change to "and helped" when describing the engineer you worked with. (Really, what you are doing is taking out project one.) Project two you can describe it as, "The second project". Make the same changes with the comma and the change of words. Now read these sentences after you have revised them. Did you really enjoy applying your knowledge which is another way to say learning by doing?
In the fifth paragraph, change the first sentence to the "company I worked". You can keep: I loved it! Take out the word obviously. I think that what is missing the most with this fifth paragraph is how you will help with community development. You say you are going to help in another country. I'm not sure if this is specifically for Texas or anywhere in the world. Do you want to help increase oil production in your country with an engineering degree? Do you think your knowledge could help globally in every community? You just have to discuss how you are going to use your knowledge to help the community to grow in the oil and gas industry. I would suggest more grammar changes, but I think this information needs to be added. Also, my last suggestion is to change learn deeper to learn more.
I know you have a limited time to finish this, but I hope this helps!
Hello cute_poison,
It would be nice for you to use appropriate words, and do not try to use direct sentence in your essay. Therefore, I suggest you to put connector or linking phrase in order to make your essay more coherence.
thanks and good luck!
They said an engineer is a professional practitioner of engineering, concerned with applying scientific knowledge, mathematics, and ingenuity to develop solutions for technical, societal and commercial problems. This is what I do at work everyday. Yes, I'm an engineer. I'm currently working in an oil and gas engineering company as a Jr. QA/QC Engineer, for 2 years now.
I didn't have an engineering background at college actually. I got my B.Sc in Chemistry, 2 years ago. Since the first month I got into the company (I was a fresh graduate that time), I've been working on site, they sent me there . We were doing some oil & gas projects there. That was the huge experience for me. I'm really glad that I can be a part of team, because I can learn faster at the field work, that makes me more familiar with those engineering stuff.
I would like to tell a little about our projects there. I did 2 projects. Project one, I did the Process Engineering work, I helped the Sr. Process Engineer. Project two, I did the Piping/Mechanical Quality Engineering work, I helped the Sr. Piping/Mechanical QC Engineer. So I'm usually familiar with those engineering stuff especially in Process and Piping/Mechanical Engineering. And I love it!I keep learning and learning. And here, I can ask anything with the seniors, supervisors, maybe this is what they called "learning by doing". And I really enjoy it! Especially in Process Engineering. That's why I plan to get a master degree in Chemical Engineering.
I realize that I love to learn and I love my job in Engineering. Why not taking a real class in Engineering? I haven't got one.. since my undergraduate study was in Chemistry. And I would really really love to get a master degree someday! So I decided to get a master degree in Chemical Engineering. It fits my professional background, obviously. It also fits my educational background, well, more applied actually, Chemistry is a theoretical science, Chemical Engineering on the other hand is an applied science. About my future objective, I want to be a Process Engineer. Right now I'm still a Jr. QA/QC Engineer, and it looks like I learn almost every aspect of engineering, which is good, I'm a beginner and that makes me more familiar with engineering. But I don't want to be a QC engineer in future, I want to be more specific, and I love Process (Chemical) Engineering. So, yes , it fits my future objective.
The first company I got (and the last one before I enter the graduate study, I hope) is an oil & gas engineering company. And I love it! I love this oil and gas sector, it's like "being in love at the first time". So I intend to take deeper in this sector, I want to learn more. And I see that USA is one of the biggest oil producers in the world, especially Texas, Houston, it's experiencing an oil boom for sure. That's why I really want to study there, I want to learn deeper in this oil & gas sector, I want to get a chance to do internship there before I graduate, that would be the great experience for me. So when I come back home, I can contribute in our oil and gas sector. Like we all know, our country is also one of oil producers in the world. I want to develope more and I hope we can survive this current oil crisis.
@ cute_poison
