Hi there! i highly appreciate it if you take a look at my study place for a Bachelor's degree course. Please help me by pointing out on what can be done to improve my essay. Thank you!
the plan for studying in the university through KGSP
This is the instruction:
Study plan for a bachelor's degree course (Please state the reason you choose such universities and departments (or majors), your academic goals, specific plans (including timeline) to achieve them, and future plan after completion of your study. In case that preferred departments (or majors) of the preferred universities are different, please mention about them separately.)
I have chosen 3 universities with the same major; AAA, BBB, and CCC. Based on my research, those universities are highly ranked when it comes to Psychology. They've also been established for a long time. I believe a university needs to have a strong foundation to be able to survive for a long period, thus I'm convinced that the three universities I've chosen have the strong foundation that will guide students to be excellent leaders.
I would like to take courses that specifies in Social Psychology and Clinical Psychology. Social Psychology is the study of the cause and effect within an interactive society. Studying this branch of Psychology will be most necessary for me to understand the causes of the current social problems. In my eyes, people nowadays depend heavily on their circle of friends, and most people work efficiently only when they have the "motivation" to do so. By focusing on this branch, I'll be able to find out what kind of behavior is important in a society and the key for people to work efficiently without having the need to wait and feel "motivated". On the other hand, Clinical Psychology is about the treatment of mental health and disability. By studying Clinical Psychology, I'll be able to point out and understand the causes of an abnormal behavior, and be able to approach mental problems with proper methods. Studying this will not only make me able to help a needed individual, but also deepen my research in finding a standard therapy that will make our society healthy in both mind and body.
As I undergo my Bachelor degree, I aim to not only obtain top GPA, but also gain on hand experience through extracurricular activities. By doing so, I'll not only be more exposed and be quickly adapted to the Korean environment, but also challenge myself to be more independent and efficient. My ideal study plan after the Korean language program is as the following:
2021-2022
In the beginning of university, I plan to be active in clubs and volunteer activities. This is because people say that the schedule given at the first semesters aren't as hectic compared to the rest. Therefore, I would like to take advantage of that and be more exposed to the Korean environment and join activities that will challenge me to be a more reliable individual. Other than that, I'll be able to meet more people and build connection with them. Clubs that I'm interested in are dance, theater, choir, archery, and basketball. Other than clubs, I am also interested in volunteer works inside and outside of campus.
2023-2024
Half way through university, I plan to still be active in volunteering and club activities, but I will be focusing more on studying. By studying harder at this period, I'll be able to deepen my understanding about the branches of Psychology since I would already choose specific subjects I want to master. Thus, I'll be able to plan my thesis in a more in-depth manner. To support my studies, I will visit the National Library of Korea during my self-study sessions to be able to examine the rare psychology findings.
2025-onwards
At the remaining time of studying in the university through KGSP, I plan to study and finalize my thesis well in order to be able to graduate with an honorable grade and degree. Afterwards, I plan to apply for jobs in South Korea in order to understand the work of psychology in the professional world.
Aside from jobs, I plan to create a non-profit project which allows individuals to reach out one another to talk about their issues. I believe that there are people who suffer mentally but are too afraid to reach out to psychologists, friends, or family. The reason behind that can be their anxiousness of being judged or leaving the impression of being overdramatic. There may even be cases where people are afraid to talk about problems because they have an image to uphold. Thus, gave me the idea for this project. The project is to create a website or even an application where you can chat with strangers from all around the world. Yes, it sounds like a regular medium of communication like WhatsApp, but this application aims to reach out to people who want to talk about their problems. With this, people won't need to be scared of ruining their image while hurting their mental health. In this app, I plan to let users choose whether they want to talk to a psychologist or a regular user. This option is required because there are people who don't need specialized psychologists, but just someone to hear them out. I believe this would be a great start to build a society with positive energy.
By studying in AAA, BBB, or CCC, I hope to not only be knowledgeable, but also be an individual that is dependable and trust-worthy. With the experience and knowledge gained with the help of KGSP, I will dedicate myself in making a positive change in this world - even the smallest count.
@alyssa2036
Hi there. Thanks for being a continuous supporter of the site! I hope that this feedback becomes beneficial for you in the long-run. If it does, don't hesitate to approach us for more. Again, thanks for being here again!
Firstly, I think that the structure and organization of your essay are both extremely well-done. You were quite straightforward which made it truthfully easier to digest the technical portion of your essay. This is essential when you are working with such varied content.
My only concerns would be for the second (and a few other succeeding ones) paragraph. While the initial sentences of this paragraph are quite alright, the other portions appear to be quite stretched out. Regardless of the fact that it was great that you were able to integrate your own thoughts and opinions midway, it would have been better if you could have balanced out your writing a tad bit more. Talking about the motivation that you have midway into the paragraph appears to have cluttered the text. What I suggest is trying to tackle this (if you truly want to do so) in an isolated part of the text. You may also omit it because it's an unnecessary portion of your writing.
It's great that you were able to integrate really time-specific goals. This will help boost your chances tenfold, considering it shows your utter dedication for the program.
