This is the first time that I post something on the internet, I am applying for a scholarship to study Regional Planning in Dortmund, Germany and I need some help in here... In the application form to the Master program they ask me for an essay of 1 page describing my specific motivation for my application to the SPRING-programme, What do I want to learn there and what are my professional plans after I return to my home country?... maybe someone could read what I got and tell me where can I cut some unnecessary parts of my actual essay... because I feel it a little too extended.
Dear Sir or Madam:
When I look out the window in the bus on my way to work and see my town being built up, all I see is contradiction, I see historical areas being ruined by unprofessional work, I see lots of people living in creeks on the banks of a polluted river resigned to live with this lifestyle and no chance of overcoming, I see denial from a few ones who live in the tops of the new residential towers of San Salvador (the capital of my country)... I see all of this is my every day panorama and I feel a determined desire to change it.
My name is Boris Funes and I want to apply for entrance to the Master Program in Regional Development Planning & Management at the TU Dortmund University for the 2011 term. I'm convinced that getting this Master Degree will allow me to become a high-class professional in this field, a person who will make the difference for my country.
As a student of High School at Colegio Champagnat I had numerous opportunities to do many activities. From participations in speech contests, to member of the football team and a constant member of the Christian group EJE (Youth Meeting in The Spirit) a dynamic catholic group of young people at the service of the community. Between all this different activities I build the foundations of the person who I am nowadays. For my satisfaction, my results on the PAES (Test of Learning and Aptitudes for High School Education Graduates) were 1870/1900 a result that proves my excellent academic record during high school.
Ever since my adolescence, I have been excited about urban and architectural themes. I believe that cities are so full of connections and movement that they consist in a very attractive field of study, so after finishing High School I already knew what I wanted to study in the UCA University one of the most prestigious Universities of my country.
During my studies of Bachelor in Architecture at UCA "Jose Simeon Cańas" University, something changed in me, a new perception of the reality. In the initial days of my Architectural courses, I felt an entire world of imaginative ideas one more insane than the other. It was only towards the beginning of my second year that I began to realize the importance of planning, the importance of visualize the spaces in their totality instead of falling into the temptation of focusing on a detail.
It was also in the second year of my Bachelor in 2005 when I took the first course of Historical Analysis, from that they all this imaginative space took another dimension, TIME. For a reason I cannot explain the Historical analysis became my favorite subject and when everyone of my classmates was locked alone in the Design Workshops claiming that History was a waste of time, I enjoy looking how human history and urban movements correspond each other and everything seems to be written in continuing cycles.
Since 2007 (my fourth year of the Bachelor) I take the decision of looking for a job not for gaining experience in the professional field, but to help my family in a difficult economic time. At this stage of my life I had to improve my quality to manage several situations at once: my family, my role as a leader in the catholic group, my role as a student and my new job as an assistant designer with the Architect Hugo Barrientos, one of the most influential architectural offices of my country.
Then in 2009 after having passed all courses and finished as one of the top five students in my promotion, I start my graduation thesis, which to my satisfaction consisted in a urban proposal for a very small town on the country side of El Salvador. This Project turned into a very interesting opportunity not only to propose workable solutions that could help to solve the needs of the town, but also bring me and my thesis team the opportunity to really understand the habitants and the role of their local associations into the dynamic of the place.
More specifically we got the chance not only to draw some blueprints but to see some components of the proposal like the greenhouses for hydroponics got built with a cost of $43,000 financed by C.A.R.E.
Overall I am pleased with my academic record and I believe that it has prepared me very well for the real life and the different situations that I have encountered in my professional life.
After I came back from Germany my thesis assessor architect Jorge Henriquez has invited me to form part of the Project Staff in FUNDASAL (Salvadorian foundation for Development and Housing) an office that in 40 years has maintained a commitment to the poor of this country and that is financed by international cooperation funds.
Finally, all I can say is that even when I am aware of the kind of dedication and perseverance I will need to have for achieving the best results, I have no doubts that I am the kind of person that you are looking for this exact Master Program, I will be patiently waiting for your reply.
Thank you for considering my application.
Yours Sincerely,
Boris Ernesto Funes Ayala
Hi there,
You have quite an impressive academic record. However, try not to be too smug, such as in this sentence (Overall I am pleased with my academic record and I believe that it has prepared me very well for the real life and the different situations that I have encountered in my professional life)
Also, I think you need to revise the conclusion. It's too long and I could not follow your idea. Perhaps splitting up the sentence?
Hope this helps and all the best to your application. =)
I feel it a little too extended
So, the solution is to try to say what you want to say in fewer words. Like this:
When I look out the window in the bus on my way to work and see my town being built up, all I see is contradiction. I see historical areas being ruined by unprofessional work; lots of people living in creeks on the banks of a polluted river resigned to live with this lifestyle and no chance of overcoming;denial from a few
people who live in the tops of the new residential towers of San Salvador (the capital of my country)... I see all of this is my every day panorama
, and I feel a determined desire to change it.
This is great writing! I think you will impress them with this. I'll tell you how to know what parts can be cut:
Ask yourself what your main goals are with this essay. What effect do you want to have on the reader? Answer that question, and then look for the paragraphs that do not serve your purpose. If they are not relevant to the main purpose, cut them!
