Hi everyone,
I would like to seek your kind review on my essay below. :)
Thank you in advance.
Sagita
The statement should be typewritten and composed only by the applicant him/herself. Please address the following points:
·The reason why you apply for the chosen program
·What do you intend to do with your Master degree?
·And, in general, what makes you the best candidate for this scholarship
(Max. 500 words)
it will be priceless experience for me
According to data from Central Statistic Agency, number of entrepreneurs in Indonesia continues to grow significantly in the past five years. Entrepreneurship is considered as respected career choice in this society because of its perceived benefits - control of daily work, choice of the desired job, and application of available knowledge and skills. However, growth in number of entrepreneurs in Indonesia is not enough to support the economy; high-impact entrepreneurs are needed to become new growth catalyst for this country. In order to produce more high impact entrepreneur, formal education is commonly acknowledged as the foundation to build creativity and innovation which were the main drive for entrepreneurship.
Since entrepreneurship education could have a positive impact on attitudes towards entrepreneurship, I decided to choose master's program in Small Business and Entrepreneurship and I believe it will help me to develop knowledge on how to experiment an innovative idea, how to search funding for start-up ventures and innovation projects, and how to sell and market new products and services into national and international market places. I will also get to learn how entrepreneurial firms compete for customers in national and international markets, how to formulate strategies, and how to manage the activities and operations to grow into successful and profitable business. Furthermore, the master programme will help me to understand the obstacles, opportunities, fundamental requirements, and particular skills need to lead and manage the process of innovation, business start-ups, high growth, and rapid change.
Refer to report from Global Entrepreneurship Monitor, Netherland has high score in innovation, education, and infrastructure than the average of OECD and EU countries. For me, it could implies that Netherland will provide many resources - incubation space, funding, great mentorship that will support and guide to run my own business in the future. Moreover, University of Groningen is renowned for its quality education and unique interdisciplinary approach that focus on innovation and entrepreneurship beyond organizational borders. Therefore, studying University of Groningen, Netherland would become best experience for me to study with highly qualified faculty members and international group of students.
After finishing my master's degree in Netherland, I plan to establish my own business. I would like to promote Indonesian products, such as Batik - Indonesian traditional clothes, by selling them in national and international market through creative industry that have a potential for wealth and job creation. In order to achieve that objective, I really hope to get opportunity as Stuned Scholarship's awardee. By pursuing master's degree in entrepreneurship, I firmly believe that it could create multiple effect which can develop not only me but also people who will work together with me since the emergence of new entrepreneurs is also considered essential to address unemployment, which rises as workforce grows faster than job opportunities.
Finally, I believe that experience during the study will be priceless and will support me to contribute more not only for my country, Indonesia, but also as the ambassador for Stuned Scholarship and the Netherland education.Hello. As I see there is a lot of mistakes.
1. .., number of entrepreneurs - the number
2. ... as a respected career choice ...
3. However, growth in number of ... - in a number or in the number.
4. ... the main drive for entrepreneurship. - I think driver could more fit this context, but I can be wrong.
5. ... international market places - Marketplaces
6. ... into successful - Consider adding article: a or the before successful.
7. skills need to lead ... - Seems like incorrect form of the verb need - needed
8. ... Netherland has high score ... - Add article before high: a or the
9. For me, it could implies that ... - After could the verb implies should be just imply
10. Therefore, studying University of Groningen, ... become best experience ... - in the University; the best
11. ... in national ... through creative industry that have a potential ... - add article before them; have does not fit with the singular subject so has
12. ... to get opportunity as ... - article, an or the
13. which rises as workforce grows ... - as the workforce
Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,835 
4782 Sagita, what you have here is the preliminary work on a research paper relevant to your field of interest. It is not a statement of purpose that aligns itself with the prompt requirements. The essay should focus on the relevance of your chosen course to your current profession. Throughout this essay you are constantly referring to other information in relation to your interest. That creates an academic connection but not a personal and professional connection between you and the course you are hoping to enroll in. Basically, your essay is lecturing the reviewer instead of offering information that will help him decide your readiness to attend and complete these classes based on a future application in your line of work. This essay needs to be totally changed and directed towards the areas of concern I pointed out above, in relation to the prompt requirements.
