The first sentence of the first paragraph is just redundant. The second sentence offered a better hook to the reader. Your core competency considerations should have been immediately presented to help the reviewer get a better idea or a summarized reference of what your professional goals are and how it may be applied to your field of interest. The first paragraph could have been shorter and more focused in presentation.
The second paragraph became a redundancy in the presentation due to the over informed first paragraph. The second paragraph had more clarity, direction, and relevance to the prompts provided. Offering all information in an essay, when you may run the risk of redundancy should be avoided, repeated information, no matter how unintentional in presentation does not help the essay move forward.
As the project will establish a company based in Indonesia
- Who is establishing it and why?
I have demonstrated
- Show don't tell. What evidence can you refer to that will help validate this claim? Do not make the reviewer look for the evidence, present it as a part of the discussion. He doesn't have the time to review your credentials just because you told him you have those credentials in your records.
I had experiences in living and working as a student trainee in the Netherlands in 2018
- This should have been the secondary focus of your qualification for your scholarship. It should not have been a mentioned after thought, it should have been expanded to include the reasons you were approved for that scholarship, what the results were for you, and how you applied what you learned. These would have tied in your previous scholarship accomplishments into the new application as qualifying reasons.