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STUNED ESSAY. MSc of International Land and Water Management at WUR

ns_nafsi 1 / 1  
Mar 21, 2021   #1
Hi everyone!

My name is Noviria, and I would like to get some reviews of my essay for applying for Stuned scholarship. I just knew this platform so maybe it's too late to share this and ask for some reviews from you (because the deadline is March 22, 2021). But I believe that better late than never, hopefully, there is someone who is willing to review my essay below.

Looking forward to seeing your reviews.

Thank you very much in advance.

Best regards,
Noviria S.N

The statement should be typewritten and composed only by the applicant him/herself. Please address the following points:
·The reason why you apply for the chosen program
·Your professional goals and how you intend to apply your study to Indonesian development
·And, in general, what makes you the best candidate for this scholarship
(Max. 500 words)


Throughout my experiences as an agricultural student and professional, I have been witnessing many issues related to land and water management within smallholder farms in Indonesia. The majority of Indonesian farmers still have a lack of knowledge to manage their farms sustainably. It is common that many farmers using more artificial fertilizer extensively to increase the yield, whereas they are not aware that could harm soils and groundwater. Many farmers also facing water scarcity to watering their farms even during the rainy season. This such case often occurs in South Sulawesi and the recent case that I have observed occurred when I conducted the experimental project of Taro cultivation under the submerged conditions in Jeneponto regency. These issues are crucial and need to be concerned since this could affect the environment and farmers' prosperity as well. This is encouraging me to advance my knowledge by pursuing a master's degree in Master's program of International Land and Water Management at Wageningen University. I do believe that this course could help me to improve my competencies both in professional and personality to achieve my goals to flourishing sustainable agriculture within smallholder farmers in Indonesia, especially in improving farmers' welfare along with fighting climate change with the appropriate implementation of land and water management.

I am working on the contract farming project commencement by Japanese company in South Sulawesi, Indonesia since May 2019. I am in charge of managing and conducting surveys and studies related to the farming condition in South Sulawesi. Through my experiences conducting this project, I realize that my knowledge is yet sufficient to be applied to the local farmers. Thus, I have a strong desire to advance my knowledge and aspire to be a better manager as well as a sustainable agriculture consultant or researcher in the future.

My immediate plan after completing my study is to return to Indonesia and continue my current job. As the project will establish a company based in Indonesia, I would have more chances to apply my knowledge in developing agriculture systems within the project. First, proposing the idea for sustainable agriculture in reducing climate change by advising and assist the targeted farmers in managing their land and water for their cultivation properly. Second, expanding my network within the agricultural sectors in national and international trade. In the long-term, I will create a program that aims to foster sustainable farming by enhancing the competencies of local farmers in partnership with the government at any level.

With respect to my track records in agriculture, I believe that I would become a promising candidate for this scholarship. I have demonstrated excellent organizational, planning, and interpersonal communication skills and exceptional skills of logical thinking, problem analysis, and proposition for resolving problems which have leads me to become a cultivation manager. Furthermore, as I had experiences in living and working as a student trainee in the Netherlands in 2018, I am already used to the environment in the Netherlands which will certainly support my study activities onwards.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,535 3447  
Mar 21, 2021   #2
The first sentence of the first paragraph is just redundant. The second sentence offered a better hook to the reader. Your core competency considerations should have been immediately presented to help the reviewer get a better idea or a summarized reference of what your professional goals are and how it may be applied to your field of interest. The first paragraph could have been shorter and more focused in presentation.

The second paragraph became a redundancy in the presentation due to the over informed first paragraph. The second paragraph had more clarity, direction, and relevance to the prompts provided. Offering all information in an essay, when you may run the risk of redundancy should be avoided, repeated information, no matter how unintentional in presentation does not help the essay move forward.

As the project will establish a company based in Indonesia

- Who is establishing it and why?

I have demonstrated

- Show don't tell. What evidence can you refer to that will help validate this claim? Do not make the reviewer look for the evidence, present it as a part of the discussion. He doesn't have the time to review your credentials just because you told him you have those credentials in your records.

I had experiences in living and working as a student trainee in the Netherlands in 2018

- This should have been the secondary focus of your qualification for your scholarship. It should not have been a mentioned after thought, it should have been expanded to include the reasons you were approved for that scholarship, what the results were for you, and how you applied what you learned. These would have tied in your previous scholarship accomplishments into the new application as qualifying reasons.
OP ns_nafsi 1 / 1  
Mar 21, 2021   #3

Dear Holt. Thank you very much for your great feedback! I will revise my essay accordingly.

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