Hi, all please help me check and correct below essay! Is that a persuasive one or do I need to change any part?
Besides my goal to establish a project with the XXX which is responsible for productivity development in XXX, I would like to work in the management level of an industrial-based enterprise. Two remarkable factors firmly support my main goals behind obtaining Master of Engineering Management.
First and foremost, after completing the coursework of Master of Engineering Management, I will gain a deeper understanding of the legal, commercial and human resource issues that a manager deals with in a technical environment. For instance, I will be familiar with supervising maintenance requirements to optimize efficiency as well as interpreting plans, drawings and specifications and providing advice on engineering methods and procedures to achieve construction and production requirements. Moreover, not only will it provide me with the skills required at the management level of technology-based enterprises, but also it will provide the financial, investment, evaluation and business skills necessary to operate in diverse areas.
Secondly, graduation in Master of Engineering Management shows a great promise in a broad development of marketable attributes such as leadership, creativity, high ethical standards and professionalism, communication, and strong analytical skills. Within the academic year, students are also encouraged to practice their English language skills wherever possible, network and get involved in the university and community to improve the effectiveness of communication. In addition, there is a large opportunity to increase intercultural awareness as well as to develop new insights and understandings through the formation of new relationships which will gradually help me in acquiring the strength from diversity. All these significant characteristics are essential for leaders in most organizations particularly the industrial-based organizations.
I am going to list how you were persuasive and this will help you decide whether you need to make changes.
1) You feel that a masters will help you to apply the knowledge you gain to real world experiences in that field.
2) It will help you gain knowledge that will help you in the field of engineering
3) Having a masters will enable you to develop many skills that employers desire, so you can be a better employee at
work and contribute to the community.
You have minimal mistakes in this essay but I will point out some errors:
1st paragraph: Place "a" after the word obtaining when describing the Masters of Engineering program.
2nd paragraph: If interpreting plans is a separate job duty, I would start a new sentence to discuss interpreting plans. You could simply say that you will also be able to interpret plans and begin to list the other knowledge you have listed in this paragraph.
3rd paragraph: Change graduating in to "graduating with a". When you discuss shows a great promise, please just delete the "a". Do you mean students can practice English anywhere or whenever possible? There should be a comma after network. Also, add "their" after communication. This is just a suggestion, but I think you could change large opportunity to huge opportunity or an immense opportunity. When you discuss acquiring strength from diversity what do you mean? Place a comma after organizations.
Should I add a sentence to explain strength from diversity? it is building your capability through working, learning, and living with people from different places.
