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Sugarcane factory: Why proposed this course and institution


liyamu 1 / 2  
Jun 28, 2020   #1

scholarship application essay



Hi, I have been trying to write my essay for scholarship application. Any suggestion and grammar check are welcome. Thank you very much for taking your time. Here below my essay´╝Ü

In my country, I live in a small district nearby sugarcane factory. I used to went through the factory when I wanted to go to the city. It has been known for several years that the factory discharged wastewater into the river and it caused the odor. This inevitably damaged the aquatic ecosystem. Every time I went through the factory, I always thought about what factory has done, the odor, the fish, and societies that live nearby factory. My concern about this environmental issue have led me to study Environmental Science in my master degree. At this moment, I choose Environmental Engineering as my discipline. I want to find the suitable method to deal with wastewater system and to make wastewater to be valuable things. The institution I choose was RMIT University School of Engineering. I choose RMIT University because it has widely known as university that emphasized on industry-focused engineering research project that aims to solve critical global problems affecting communities and the environment. Furthermore, RMIT University also offers many research areas such as wastewater treatment and air pollution, that will deliver fundamental research leading to innovative new products, processes and knowledge that I needed to maximise my potential.

yenle999 2 / 4 1  
Jun 28, 2020   #2
Here is my suggestions for your essay
Some grammar mistakes you should change are:
- .... into the river , and it caused
- ... what the factory has done
- My concern about this environmental issue has led me
-I want to find the a suitable method to......
-...deal with the wastewater system ....
-... known as a university
Hope my feedback useful for you.
OP liyamu 1 / 2  
Jun 28, 2020   #3
@yenle999 thank you very much for the suggestions, I will change it soon.
Holt [Contributor] - / 8,816 2619  
Jun 29, 2020   #4
You sound like you are just telling a story about the development of your interest in Environmental Engineering. What you wrote is more of a personal statement than an explanation for your course choice and institution. The prompt is asking you to show the relationship between your actual profession and the necessity of your studying advanced theories and practical applications based on your job requirements. There is no sense of that in this presentation. You should revise the essay to better reflect the professional considerations that led to your course choice. Leave your undergraduate studies out of the discussion. You can use your observation of the factories and other areas in relation to the environment though. Just make sure that it relates directly to your current career description.

There is one sentence that should be the foundation of your decision to attend RMIT. You should better develop your explanation based on:

RMIT University also offers many research areas such as wastewater treatment and air pollution, that will deliver fundamental research leading to innovative new products, processes and knowledge that I needed to maximise my potential.

Develop that explanation based on how you see your studies affecting your theoretical and practical skills at the moment. Divide the presentation into 2 paragraphs. That is normally the required paragraph format for this type of presentation. It is direct to the point and uses less words to express the explanation in your response.
OP liyamu 1 / 2  
Jun 29, 2020   #5
@Holt, thank you very much for the suggestions, very useful. I will try my best to revise my essay.


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