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Suggestions and grammar check for the APIASF Scholarship Essays


HayRi 1 / -  
Jan 9, 2014   #1
500 words or less, please describe your short-term and long-term personal and education/career goals and what has helped to shape your goals. What specific steps will you take to reach your personal/education/career goals?

Given great opportunities, such as a free education, it is expected that I should graduate from high school and extend my knowledge further by going to college. Coming from a family with no college education, I was determined to be the first. However, to achieve this long term goal I need to find ways to help me pay off my college education. Some of these short term goals are getting a job during summer break and applying for scholarships. Although these small goals may seem dull and tedious, the support from my family and the determination to go to college helps me strive forward. As childish and perhaps arduous as it seems, one of my long term goals is to go back to Vietnam and make a difference in the pharmaceutical system, perhaps open a pharmacy that follows the proper moral conducts and perhaps later on, a clinic for those who can't afford health care. It was the place that inspired me to become a pharmacist at a young age simply because I thought it was "cool" to work with pills while wearing a lab coat. It was also the place that influenced me to make a change. My trip back to my country a few years ago made me realize how horrible the pharmaceutical system over there was and I thought to myself, I am a knowledgeable person with the skills and passion to help my community with the best of my ability, so why not extend further across the horizon and make a worldwide difference?

In 500 words or less, please describe how you plan to give back to your community and help fulfill the needs of your community after you've completed your education. How would your plan impact not only your immediate community, but also a broader one?

Living in my community, homelessness has always been one of the top problems. Noticing this problem ever since I move to Portland, I started to volunteer at a dining hall for homeless every week and joined the Red Cross club at my school in hope to make a difference. By starting small such as doing fundraisers and runs, the money from the hard work of my clubs goes into buying and makings scarfs, which we distribute out to the homeless during the holidays. This event has become a tradition in our club and I was very happy and honored to help organized and run it when I was chosen as an executive member. However, I wanted to do much more than making scarfs. The homeless needs more than just scarfs during the holidays, I want people to know that the holidays should not be the reason to give but that everyday should be taken into consideration to help the needy. I wanted to encourage people, especially young students in my community to reach out as much as they can. I know that many students from my middle school are willing to volunteer, but the lack of guidance and help to get started prevents them from giving back to the community at an early age. By starting a program or a club for them, I hope this will make a positive change to lives of those in needs and to the mindset of younger children not only in my middle school but to the whole school district.

In 500 words or less, please describe any challenges you have faced personally, financially or academically that you have had to overcome. How have you dealt with the challenges you have faced? How have these barriers or your success in overcoming challenges affected your goals and personal character? If you do not have any extracurricular/community service involvement, you may use this space to tell us why.

When moving to America, my parents gave up everything to ensure that my brother and I received the best education, even if it means that our family has to live in a single small room for years. Although we did received help from our family members, my parents still struggle living from paychecks to paychecks and can only afford hand me downs clothes for us. Many times, they would often come home exhausted, unable to help my younger brother and me with our schoolwork or other problems. Yet, despite all these obstacles I was determined to do my best in school in order to help my parents in some small ways. At a young age, I learned to become independent. Instead of just asking for help whenever I encounter any difficulties such as a homework problem I would try to find the answer myself through books and other resources. After finishing my work, I would often help my younger brother with his. Although the process may be hard and tedious, I was very proud that I was able to relieve some burdens off of my parents and at the same time learned how to take responsibilities. Dealing with such problems at a young age, I used it as a motivation when encountering an obstacle today, thinking that if I can overcome those problems in the past then I can certainly overcome anything to achieve my goals.
Pahan 1 / 1,906 553  
Jan 13, 2014   #2
Given great opportunities, such as a free education, it is expected that I should graduate from high school and extend my knowledge further by going to college.

Well....what is the contribution of this sentence to describe your short or long term goals? I feel this sentence is not really necessary. You need to focus more on what your prompt asks you - your short term and long term goals.

However, to achieve this long term goal I need to find ways to help me pay off my college education.

However, to achieve this long term goal, I need to find ways to finance my college education.
Again, this too seems to be out of topic. Your prompt does not ask you about your difficulties in pursuing higher education. It asks you about your goals. Elaborate more on your goals.


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