Hello everyone! If you could help me with this essay that would be great. It's for an art intensive program I'm applying for. There is no prompt except for why do you need financial help. The scholarship is based on talent and financial need. I took a different approach, I wanted to talk a little more about myself, and really show the committee who I am and my values. Somewhere along the lines I got stuck, and I can't figure out how to word some of my thoughts. Any help would be much appreciated, I will make sure to return the favor! My trouble areas is with the hook, beginnings, and endings of all my paragraphs.
Thank you in advance
Best,
Paul
Art for me isn't for monetary gain nor the prospect of fame. Art allows individuals to focus on their creative process but more importantly it allows us to share. As an artist I enjoy voluntarily performing for my audience; whether it be through telling a story or performing magic. I've discovered that some of the best moments of my life came when I gave my time without expecting anything in return. It gave me the most fulfillment to have nothing but emotional gratification.
I never really understood the importance of performance art until I was much older. In my early childhood I remember seeing my first magic trick. One of my neighbors performed a classic, he held up his hands and slowly began to detach the tip of his thumb and put it back. I was dumbfounded and in awe. What he had given me was childlike wonder, which I can only describe as real magic. I begged him to teach me, but he said: "If I teach you, remember that you'll know how to make sugar, but you'll never be able to taste it again". I learned very quickly that I had made a mistake. The magical powers I had was nothing more than an illusion. I had discovered an art about sharing because it was purely about the spectator and not the performer.
In my life there is one child who has genuinely inspired me to become a selfless artist. A few months ago I had volunteered to perform at Rady's Children's Hospital. I met Jimmy, a boy who had recently been admitted for maltreatment. In a way Jimmy reminded me a lot about my younger self. He was introverted and for the majority of the performance he stayed in the back of the room. After I finished, I went over and showed him magic personally. I told him: "Watch my thumb closely" what proceeded was a bright smile, and laughter. I spent the rest of my day there teaching him magic. I became a magician not just to entertain people, but to inspire them. Every time I perform my intention is that people walk away knowing that maybe the impossible is attainable. That people can reach their dreams if they genuinely work toward them.
I've kept my educational goals consistent for the past years. I have gathered the tools needed to become a successful student. I've built upon my resume, I've participated in multiple clubs, and have taken challenging courses. Unfortunately, while my intentions are right, they won't help me pay for this program. I choose to write about these stories because they define who I am and my core artistic values. I have real world experience and I am proud to share the things I've done for communities. By supporting my education these funds will enable me to spread new found insight and knowledge to further inspire the people around me.
Hi, paul. I think you're on the right track with your essay. When applying for a scholarship, you need to explain why you're special, why you deserve the money more than the next applicant. Your altruistic reasons for wanting to be a performing artist are going to help you a lot in that regard, so I think they deserve to be highlighted right from the beginning. Here are my ideas for the "hook" and the beginnings and endings of your paragraphs:
Hook/Beginning of Essay:
Looking out into the audience, I spotted a quiet boy in the very back of the room. It was Jimmy, a patient at the children's hospital where I was volunteering at the time. Jimmy had been physically abused, and was attending my performance between therapy sessions.(I hope I'm not assuming too much when I say "therapy sessions.")After my magic performance, I found Jimmy and offered to teach him a few of the "tricks of the trade." As I explained my techniques, his face lit up and, soon, he was smiling broadly. As I watched his transformation from a shy, insecure boy to an enthusiastic student, I thought, This is what I was meant to do. I want to use performance art to make a difference in people's lives.
Next paragraph:
Just like my experience with Jimmy at the children's hospital, I have found that my most rewarding performances have been those that I have done on a volunteer basis. Art for me isn't for monetary gain ... .
Next paragraph:
I have worked hard to make my dream become a reality. I've kept my educational goals consistent for the past years. I have gathered the tools needed to become a successful student (what tools?) . I've built upon my resume, I've participated in multiple clubs, and have taken challenging courses, and(what else? Maybe persevered to find performance opportunities?) . I have real world experience and I am proud to share the things I've done for communities.
Next paragraph:
Hard work and a desire to make a difference in people's lives are not enough to make my career a reality, however. I unfortunately lack the financial resources to pursue your program's quality training, and that is why I am applying for your scholarship. By supporting my education, these funds ...
What do you think? I hope I have helped you!
