This is a scholarship essay that is attached to the university of texas at austin application. ANY and ALL criticism is welcome. Thank you in advance.
Describe one specific example of your leadership ability.
You may enter up to 20 80-character lines MAXIMUM for this essay.
This is a rough rough draft, but i wasn't sure what to write in such little space.
We constantly take and take. We take the materialistic things that are handed to us, the knowledge that is provided, and we take it all for granted. At what point do we stop taking? At what point do we give back everything we have been provided?
As a junior in high school, playing for a traveling softball team, I realized every year we ask for support from the community in order to play all over the Midwest. After 3 years of taking, it was time to give back to those we took from. As team captain I proposed the idea of offering a free clinic to the younger generation of girls interested in the sport we share a passion for. It was then that my month long task began. I took the responsibility to plan 4 hours worth of activities, ask local businesses if they would be willing to sponsor such an event providing prizes and lunch, and publicize what was being planned. Our "Skills, Drill, & More" clinic was my opportunity to take something I love, and put my leadership abilities to test. It was my chance to enhance my skills that are necessary for the future, and to give back to the community that has never hesitated to give.
After 3three years of taking, it was time to give back to those we took from.
I took the responsibility to plan 4four hours worth of activities, ask local businesses if they would be willing to sponsor such an event providing prizes and lunch, and publicize what was being planned.
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I really like how you were able to answer the prompt well in such a limited number of words. I think you should also write how successful the clinic was because, after all, it asks for your leadership ability. I'd like to say I spotted a few run-on sentences but I'm not too sure (English is not my native language). Other than that, I think your initiative to start the clinic is incredible.
Hi,
I like your scholarship essay. It's good for it's length. A couple of things though, the intro was good, but when there are character maximum, I would suggest taking out a few statements. Maybe just do one or two sentences/questions. "it was time to give back to those we took from", it kind of sounds awkward like you stole from them. I would suggest changing it to "it was time to give back to those who supported us/helped us." Good luck and I hope I helped.
