Unanswered [0] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Scholarship   % width Posts: 5

I'm a teacher surrounded by the happy students - a journey through time to the 2025


Lanarey 3 / 6 7  
Sep 25, 2015   #1
"Describe how your day goes on April 29th 2025"

It is a part of UWC Scholarship. I have been working on it, but it seems I am stuck
Well, can you guys help me with the conclusion?
And It seems that this essay is a little boring ::( Can you help me to change some words in order to make it more interesting?

The sound of the alarm clock wakes me up at 6.00 AM in the morning, a brand new day has dawned. "Let's get started" I whisper to myself. From my window I see the sun is just shining its warm golden light over, the breeze is blowing the leaves on the ground ... How beautiful it is. Such A wonderful day is awaiting for me

I hurriedly get to work on my car. From the school gate, my second family has been waiting for me. My students, they are waving towards me, showing that they can't wait any longer for my lessons. Deep down my heart, I feel so warm. Suddenly, it took me back to 10 years ago, when I was at the age of 18, daredevil and headstrong, I went in for teaching career despite my parents' warning about its low income. From that day and age, things have changed significantly. However, what remains unchanged is my desire for influencing and enlightening.

Walking as I am looking back upon, I get into class 1A. There my lovely students are lightened up with curiosity and excitement about what I am going to teach them. Those eyes filled with innocence and intelligence have always been motivating me everyday in my life. As I start to tell them how I experienced the world in UWC universities, they are all ears to my wonderful stories and completely immerse in them. At that moment, I know that I am not only telling, but opening a whole new world to those kids, and at the same time inspire and arise hope and dreams for those who want to broaden their horizons, to experience and to discover things from all walks of life like their teacher used to achieve...
lcturn87 - / 435 236  
Sep 25, 2015   #2
I can help you with some of your essay. You could separate your sentence: "A new day has dawned." "From my window, I can see the sun is just shining its warm golden light and the breeze is blowing the leaves on the ground." When I read this sentence, I was unsure about your location. You could state where you are. Ex: "When I peer through my bedroom window..."

Also, the last sentence has some errors that need to be corrected: "A wonderful day is waiting for me."

2nd paragraph: In the first sentence, change on to "in". Since you are telling a story, you should state that you arrived. Ex: "When I arrive, I enter the school gate where my second family is..."

The next sentence I feel is confusing, because you state your students are waving but then you mention lessons. You could discuss how they are in eager anticipation for the school day to begin. Make this correction "Deep down in my heart..."

The next sentence, a good word choice would be "I reminisce about my life ten years ago".

Here are some suggestions for your next sentences in this paragraph:
-"When I was at the age of 18 eighteen, , daredevil and headstrong, I wanted a teaching career despite my parents warning about its low income."

-You could change. I think you should begin to discuss your present life again. You could elaborate more, but this is just a suggestion: Now my life has changed.

-When you describe you ability "to influence and enlighten", you should describe who you are influencing (i.e. children). Also, if you want to describe it as an ongoing action you could state: "my desire to continue to influence and enlighten..."

I hope this helps!
Zahra ahmad 2 / 8 2  
Sep 25, 2015   #3
Greetings!

I agree with lcturn87 and I enjoyed your essay, it has an interesting words but, i didn't really find out the purpose or the main topic of it maybe because i didn't get the title well. ( i mean maybe because it is kind of a story )

Anyway, i made two conclusions for you which i really hope that they would be the type of conclusions you like or you would.
Here they are ( i wrote them from my own mind ) :

con#1 So as I see the sparkles in their eyes, want to shove a way in this life. I wish to all the children in this world ...

con#2 Never do I thought that these children will anything ever stop their magical minds, in every question, every answer I see that. So I pray to God ...

I hope u will like these humble conclusions !

Best Wishes Always!
vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Sep 25, 2015   #4
Nguyen, what is missing from your opening statement is a solid and clear introduction regarding what is about to unfold. Since this a typical day that you are describing, you need to get more visual in order to bring the reader into your world as you see it. Describe the sounds of birds coming into your bedroom window, the warmth of the bed you sleep in, and then the sound of the alarm clock. Instead of simply saying "Let's get started." Make it more interesting. Say something like"Another day, another child to teach. Time for me to get started." By presenting the sentence that way, you give an idea regarding the events to follow.

The second paragraph can also be improved using a better description. There is a better way to present this. For example:

The students of (name a fictional school) are waiting outside as I pull up to the parking space. Waving at me, I wave back and sigh. Could I have imagined myself in this content and happy position 10 years ago? When my parents were against my choice of a teaching career at the age of 18? I think back to ten years ago and realize how much I have changed. Then I was a daredevil and headstrong. Which is why I chose to become a teacher despite the low income. I wanted to prove a point to my parents. That dedication to the job and a desire to change the world somehow is more important than the money a job brings to a person. I have changed physically since then, but my dedication and principles, my desire to influence and enlighten young minds, remain the same.

You could base the revision of your paragraph upon the sample I gave you.

My students file into the classroom when they see me walk into the school halls. In classroom 1A they sit behind desks with curiosity and excitement on their faces. "What is my teacher going to teach me today?'' they think. It is my job to everyday, motivate these children to learn. Feed their curiosity, and teach them about life and academics. I decide to tell them about how my UWC scholarship changed my life 10 years ago. Their faces open up to the wonders of the world as I tell them about my adventures. As they sit looking admiringly at me, I know that I have once again, touched their lives and inspired them to think of a better future for themselves.

I am giving you this example so that you can see how using imagery and dialogue can turn your straightforward but interesting essay into a delightful and enjoyable read for the reviewer. You have to aim to hold on to his interest since he reads hundreds of these essays per day. Visual imagery, dialogue, and an interesting story, when combined, creates a wonderful day in the life of essay.
OP Lanarey 3 / 6 7  
Sep 28, 2015   #5
Thank you @vangiespen. You've amazed me with the way we order words can actually help essays much more interesting.

I have read all the comments. Thanks you guys a lot. I will take your advices into consideration and write again :)


Home / Scholarship / I'm a teacher surrounded by the happy students - a journey through time to the 2025