Dear all, really need your help to review and give insight to my Chevening Leadership Essay as follows:
In 2016, Leicester City Football Club remarkably won its first English Premier League title in the club's history. Claudio Ranieri, the manager, led such a small club to a sensational triumph, which many people considered as impossible. I admire his kind of leadership style that could influence other and lead them from unfortunate situation to a beyond imagination success.
Since I was in school I have been showing this capability to influence and lead other to success. When I was a president of outdoor club in high school, I shifted club's focus from only preserving nature to developing club's competitive outdoor sports. This was done by registering club to national outdoor sports federation and arranging joint practice with certified instructors. This effort brought championship medals for club and school in several regional and national competitions.
In university I was actively involved in some voluntarily activities in natural disaster-affected regions such as Yogyakarta. Here, I became a lead surveyor and was given responsibility to absorb aspirations from people in earthquake-affected villages regarding their needs for survival and recovery. I was also appointed as field coordinator in post earthquake trauma healing program for elementary school students called Buku Untuk Sekolah (Books for School) in Kalasan region Yogyakarta. These programs succeeded to recover the psychological aspect of the earthquake affected people after disaster.
After graduated from law school in 2009, I worked in one of the biggest banks in Indonesia, Bank Mandiri. Here, I was appointed by the director to become his executive assistant. In this role, my responsibility was to give some advices to the director and deliver the director's ideas and initiatives to the middle management. In this role, I learned not only to be a messenger, but also elaborate what director needs to be manifested by middle management.
Furthermore, as a legal counsel, I have been doing a lot of work that taught me about leadership, specifically to lead in a discussion and provide legal advices for the business unit before they took business actions. The most recent event was my appointment as a team leader in criminal litigation department, leading officer and clerks to handle criminal litigation process which involves bank or its employees, which is challenging. There were several times when my sub-ordinates lack of motivation in work which affected to their productivity. However, I, as their manager tried to solve the problem by approaching them and telling them that their part of work was a big contribution to the success of the team, even for the company. This would make the employees feel important and resulted in better productivity.
In addition, I was assigned by the company to assist Indonesia Ministry of State Owned Enterprise (SOE) in drafting The New Law regarding SOE for 6 months in 2007. During this assignment, I was able to show the capability to influence bureaucrat's mind set in drafting law, and shifted it from theoretical and academic approach to effectiveness in implementation approach.
These experiences of mine, justified that I am influential for other people not only to reach my personal and team's goal, but also to lead them reach their personal goal.
@ranuarga
Welcome back here. I hope that you have been liking the feedback you've received here. I'm going to do my best to assist you in your writing!
There seems to be quite a confusing opening segment for your writing. The first paragraph, for instance, needs to be polished and integrated in a smarter way. It's quite odd to have a piece of event such as this in the very beginning. What you could do, instead, is try to make a small comparative overview. This will help you become creative without losing space for proper context.
Furthermore, while it was great that you integrated your experiences in the latter parts, I find that there's a struggle when it comes to trying to flesh out the core values in these stories. Focus more on what trait you've acquired from these experiences, rather than just story-telling them.
@Maria
Hi Maria, thank you for your feedback, yeah it's been 4 years since I last made a thread here, been busy doing this and that... :)
Actually in the first paragraph I try to write a "punchy" start but I don't expect it turns out to be odd. So what you mean is that I must create a better bridging to the content? If so, could you help me show me the example?
In latter parts I describe my leadership experience starting from condition zero, follows by what I did, and sum up with the result. Does your advice says that I must focus on trait I acquired rather than results came from what I did?
Looking forward to hear from you more
Regards,
