my dream to study in South Korea
Hello please help me with my personal statement, I think what I made is too long. All feedback will be appreciated, please help me to pass a good personal statement
Technology is developing over time; this made me curious how the things behind the technology we are using actually work. I was in my first year high school when I realized that I want to do this as my career in the future, what also motivates me to do this is that my auntie is also a graduate of Computer Engineer and the way how she enjoy her work, I also want to experience it. When I reached my 4th year in high school, I tried searching the best school for college that will develop my passion and skills for this program. Aside from the universities in the xxx that show in the result, there is also a list from universities in South Korea so I wonder why and I did my research. I found out that South Korea is one of the countries that lead in technology, which made me eager to look for a university that will fit me. I thought I can study in South Korea, but when I saw the tuition fee for my desired school, I felt hopeless. My parents cannot afford to send me to a university with such expensive tuition fee.
At first, I thought that was the end of my dream to study in South Korea. Then, I realize that there might be a scholarship in that university and I was right. KGSP is one of the scholarships they offered and my curiosity for this scholarship is strong as it offers an all paid expenses plus a stipend every month, that is a huge opportunity for people like me who aspire to study in South Korea but unprivileged. This scholarship will be a big help not only to me but also to my parents. Roughly, I prepared for about 1 and a half year to apply in this program and now I am finally eligible to apply.
My family belongs to a middle class family; in our house, my grandfather lives with us and I have two younger sisters. I am the eldest and because of it I sometimes feel the most pressure in our house, they expect a lot to me especially my younger siblings. My mom is an Area Cashier at a private company, she is an Accountancy graduate unfortunately she did not pass the CPA Exam. My father is not a college graduate and his job is a driver.
I finished my senior high school at the xxx with Honors. I was under the Academic Strand with a Science, Technology, Engineering and Mathematics (STEM) Track. I am currently enrolled in the same university majoring in Computer Engineering. During my first month in college, I attend some workshops to strengthen my knowledge in subjects needed in my major. I enjoy every lesson I had even though it is hard; my mindset is focus on my goal.
The NSTP (National Service Training Program) I chose is CWTS or Civic Welfare Training Service. Ever since I was young, I have a soft heart for people in the streets or less fortunate people; that is why I chose this as my NSTP. Every three weeks we do a community service or feeding program to different area in Metro Manila where there are a lot of kids. When I am alone and I see some kids on the street, I usually give them foods instead of money so I am sure that my money went to something good.
During my last year in high school, I was able to receive a "Multilingual Award" in our classroom. That is because I can speak and understand a little bit of Korean Language aside from my mother tongue and the English language. I am now in Intermediate Level in Korean Language and I am currently enrolled in a class for Advance Level. Our thesis is also on the process of publication, but we are not sure yet if it will be published or not as we already give the rights on our Practical Research Adviser, he is in charge of all the editing that needs to be done in the paper. For 10 days, I attend a Web Development Seminar and I was able to receive a certificate from that seminar. I learned a lot in that Web Development Seminar and I was able to use it in my program.@KeeneSapphire
"she is an Accountancy graduate ..." -> she currently works as an accountant
" My father is not a college ..." -> My farther didnt enroll in university, he currently works as a driver
@KeeneSapphire
Hi there!
I'll divide my feedback into two parts: technical-based commentaries and content review.
In terms of the technical angle, I recommend that you become cautious of the forms of the words you are using and the flow of the structure of your essay. Doing this will ensure that your essay has an appropriate academic tone; this is, of course, necessary when you are writing formal essays.
Be cautious of the gaps that you have in language. It is always beneficial to consult your reference materials and/or seek for second opinion.
Let's take a look at your essay's overall content and revise.
Technology has developed over time. This made me curious about how modern-day technology is created. I was in first year high school when I realized that I wanted to pursue a career in Computer Engineering. My auntie graduated from the program and had influenced my passion for it. When I was in fourth year high school, I sought to enroll in a leading college to develop my technical knowledge and skills. Aside from the universities in the xxx, there was a list of universities in South Korea. Upon my research, I found that the country is leading in technological advancements. This made me eager to find a university that will suit me. What had stunned me was how expensive the tuition fees are for my desired university; I felt helpless as I knew my parents would not be able to afford this.
[...]
Have a more organic approach to writing. Simply write as though you are telling the story to a friend. Remember that it is vital to keep it personal to ensure that they see how involved you are in the program.
In terms of the content, I would suggest that you try to evade explaining too much experiences you had that may have no relation with the topic at hand. For instance, the discussion of your NSTP doesn't quite fit the application. I would opt that, because this is an educational scholarship, you try to focus more on the academic-based merits that you have. For instance, your last paragraph holds a lot of potential. If you can explain this portion with more in-depth detail, it would bring benefits to your written work.
Best of luck as always!
@Maria
hello! Thank you for your feedback, it will help me a lot :) Regarding the NSTP, I wrote it because in the given guide question it is stated that we can write the community services we did. If you have time can you please look at my essay again and now with the guide questions given to us :) Thanks!
- Motivations with which you apply for this program
- Family and Education background
- Significant experiences you have had; risks you have taken and achievements you have made, persons or events that have had a significant influence on you
- Extracurricular activities such as club activities, community service activities or work experiences
- If applicable, describe awards you have received, publications you have made, or skills you have acquired, etc.
