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'Things happen to teach something' - persanal statement essay

Zewiver 1 / 3  
Jul 9, 2012   #1

Could you please to proofread and edit my personal statement essay. Thanks
this essay for apply to university and also hopefully to get a scholarship !!!!

My name is Ella. I was born and raised in Hat Yai, Thailand's fourth largest city, located on the Southern Gulf Coast and is the capital of the Songkhla Province. I live with my parents, two younger brothers (eight and thirteen years old, respectively) and one older sister (22 years old). We are very close to each other. My family is supportive and I feel lucky to have them.

While I attended high school away from home (, in Songkhla City),I lived with my aunt. She is a kind-hearted and polite person and taught me important lessons, in particular to take responsibility and be independent.

I am friendly, big-hearted and polite, and I have a positive, upbeat nature. I try to make life easier by facing its challenges with a smile. Sometimes I am impatient and stubborn, and sometimes I do not ask others for help when I should. I am creative and have some experience as a designer. As such, I designed the layout for an online magazine as well as T-shirts, and restaurant menus. I have also done some modeling for Alfaparf Milano Thailand. I practice a number of different sports, mostly badminton, basketball and I love working out at the gym.

After finishing high school, I was accepted at Prince of Songkhla University (PSU), Hat Yai's most renowned university. There I attended an economics course for about two years, making good friends and gaining social skills along the way. In my first year, I became cheerleader and manager for the Economics Faculty Rugby Team. I enjoyed rugby but was unable to compete with much larger male players. In order to still participate in this sport, I took on the roll of team manager. I have also completed a course in First Aid.

While attending the yearly Southern Agricultural Fair at PSU, I did some research work for the Charoen Pokphand Group. My task essentially was to analyze collected customer information and to draw conclusions from this data about the likely level of demand for their products in Thailand's Southern provinces.

Only recently it became clear to me what I want to do with my professional life and I made a firm commitment to pursue this dream; I want to work behind the scenes and I believe that Webster University's Media Communication course is the best option for me to realize this dream. Webster University is known for excellence in teaching, combining theory with practice and small class sizes. They prepare their students for life-long independent learning and to participation in an increasingly multicultural society.

However, such excellent education comes at a very high cost. My parents are willing to support me as much as they can, but I wish to reduce their financial burden to the extent possible. They have a large family to support, and are getting older. Consequently, I do not wish to be a too heavy burden. At the same time, I am hungry for knowledge. It is therefore that I kindly ask you to consider my application for this scholarship which would help my family a lot and I am confident that it would allow me to realize my dream.

Nothing you really want comes easy; everything begins with some level of difficulty. Life is all about risks and sometimes it requires taking a leap of faith. Nevertheless, one beautiful thing about life is the fact that the most difficult challenges are often the most rewarding and satisfying. I am not the kind of person who looks back and wonders what I could have done. I cannot go back to change my mistakes, and sometimes I do not realize why they happened until much later. Experience is the worst teacher: It brings on the test before presenting the lesson. Mistakes never happen for nothing - they happen to teach me something.
KhanhZ 5 / 131 7  
Jul 9, 2012   #2
Is there a topic for the personal statement? and what university are you applying for?
I think the first paragraph contains unnecessary information and the whole essay is filled with repetitive sentence structures and very basic grammatical errors like

My personality make me have a lots of friends When I be freshmen in university I was be cheerleader and rugby manager for economics team I would like to play rugby but not have any girl interest in it

No offense, but with mistakes like that, you better take some courses in English before you think of studying abroad.
OP Zewiver 1 / 3  
Jul 10, 2012   #3
No it isn't for studying abroad This Scholarship for studying international university in thailand thank you i will take more gramma courses
KhanhZ 5 / 131 7  
Jul 10, 2012   #4
never mind, I hope you'll succeed.)
OP Zewiver 1 / 3  
Jul 10, 2012   #5
anyway,could u pls edit this essay for me ?
KhanhZ 5 / 131 7  
Jul 10, 2012   #6
if I edit your essay , it won't be yours. you really need to improve your knowledge of English, otherwise there will be too much revising and the essay will sound more like mine.
OP Zewiver 1 / 3  
Jul 10, 2012   #7
oh ok i will try to edit it . Thank you

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