help me with this essay for transfer scholarship! let me know what you think?
You've got a ticket in your hand. Where will you go? What will you do? What
will happen when you get there?
Before my birthday party, I received a mysterious box then I opened it to see
what's inside. Inside that mysterious box it has a golden ticket said "Show Me
Your World" and one the back it has the direction of how to use it "Disclaimer:
This ticket is a magical ticket, it can take you to wherever you wanted to go
even travel in time." "Direction: Lay down and place the ticket in the middle
of your chest, then close your eyes use your imagination to picture the places
you want to go and who you want to meet, and get ready for an adventure". BOOM!
Just like that I traveled back in the 1900's and meet my role model Dr. Albert
Schweitzer, he inspired me on how to become a great doctor, a doctor who cares
about his/her patients. Dr. Albert Schweitzer was a French-German theologian,
organist, philosopher, and physician. Back in the middle of 1900s he known as
selfless, humanitarian physician. He won the Nobel Peace Prize in 1952. He used
his own wealth plus with many donation across the world to build hospitals that
provide treatments for patients.
Dr. Albert Schweitzer received his M.D. in 1913 at the age of 38; he later
hired me as his personal secretary to arrange his all meetings and clinic
hours. On a Friday of 1913, he and his wife Helene Bresslau decided set sail
with their own expenses traveled from Bordeaux to Africa. Once in Lambarene, he
established a small hospital that were set up by the Paris Commissioner
Society. It was about 200 miles away from the mouth of Ogooue River at Port
Gentil. During our first time in Africa, it was chaos due to lack of staff
members, I have to do majority of the work such as helping out Helene by
provide nursery for the patients, handing out prescribed medicine according to
the patient's chart, and setting up equipment for her to delivered anesthesia
to a patient whom Schweitzer will operate. During my time I stayed in Africa
with the two, I observed the patients Schweitzer treated were both horrific and
deadly. They are ranged from leprosy, dysentery, elephantiasis, sleeping
sickness, malaria, yellow fever, to wounds incurred by encounters with wild
animals and many common health problems to which the human body is subject. The
living conditions in Africa were extreme, hot days, cold nights, huge gust of
winds and animals. However, Schweitzer and his wife were managed to save 2000
patients. A few years later, Schweitzer had accepted three unpaid physicians,
seven nurses and thirteen volunteers for his hospital. By the time he reached
the age of 90, the hospital compromised 70 buildings, 350 beds and a leper
colony for two 200 patients.
Albert Schweitzer became famous for his concert lectures across Europe in order
to raised money for his hospital in Africa. His philosophy was often built on
principle of a "reverence for life" which is about moral values and ethic
imperatives of helping others. In the early of 1950's, the horror of Hiroshima
and Nagasaki finally sparked the world's conscience, Schweitzer joined forces
with Albert Einstein, Otto Hahn, Bertrand Russell, and many others to raised
awareness of using nuclear weapons. After years of working hard, Dr. Schweitzer
invited me to one of his lecture concert; I filled with joy. During his lecture
about it, he focused on "the problem of peace" he told his audience "The end of
further experiments with atom bombs would be like the early sunrays of hope
which suffering humanity is longing for". Suddenly, tears rolling down my eyes
I was touched by that statement. Then, I closed my eyes and think to myself
that nuclear weapon is the most dangerous weapon among all weapons if nuclear
weapon still exist the mankinds would still facing danger. A minute later, I
heard my mom was calling me "Truc! Wake up! Come down stair and celebrate your
birthday" I opened my eyes I noticed I was in my room. I finally realized, my
traveling experience was over and I'm back in the modern world.
In conclusion, Dr. Albert Schweitzer devoted more than half of a century to
practice medicine even in the most extreme location where only a few doctors
who would willing to visit to help those who are desperately needed medical
care. Even until today, there are some places in the world where people cannot
receive the medical care that they need such as Syria, Afghanistan, Pakistan
because those places are war zone. There were only a very few doctors who
willing to go to these remote location to give out a helping hand. In the
modern society, there are not a lot of doctors like Schweitzer left because
most of them are drown in the glory of being a "doctor". The temptation of
getting an income of 300,000 or more per year is quite tempting. Many people
that came across my life that wanted to be a doctor because of the money and
the prestigious status that it can provide. However, those people most likely
give up at the end, because it was too difficult. Of course it should be
difficult that's what makes it great; if it's too easy everyone will doing it.
Being a doctor is like being on a journey without a destination because it is a
nonstop learning career. The only destination there is what ones left behind
and what they can contribute.
Again, if I have another ticket I will travel back to the 1900's to meet Dr.
Albert Schweitzer again and work for him again. There is a lot of things I want
to learn from him because he not only shown me how to be doctor but he had
shown me how to be a human as well. A good doctor can save his patients from
death, but a great doctors can heal his patients' spirits and soul, and restore
their hopes. In my eyes, Dr. Albert Schweitzer is a great doctor.
Hi, I really liked your beginning, it was very creative. Your subject is fine too. But then you start to go back and forth between your imaginary experiences with Scheweitzer and just giving background information on Scheweitzer. And then later on, you seem to completely abandon your adventures and this turns into a basic essay about Scheweitzer, his accomplishments, and how he has inspired you. I think this prompt has a lot of potential to really allow you to be creative. Think of some adventures, or some specific lessons you learned from Scheweitzer on your trip together to Africa. I like the part where you wake up and it is all a dream. But at that point I would talk about how exciting and enriching and life affirming the imaginary trip was and now you feel even more inspired to make that a reality by becoming a doctor yourself.
Your essay has an awful lot of grammatical mistakes too, but I figured it was best to focus on the overall ideas of the essay before getting down to the nitty-gritty.
