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Topic says: how will you fund your living cost. I need a review for the essay


fash2468 1 / 2  
May 30, 2016   #1
As a child, growing up in the family of five children has been challenging in Nigeria. My parents work hard to ensure that we all have formal education and be people of veracity in life. I have also nurture the dream of studying outside the country since I was a little boy. But, my dream is being held, because I am not the only child with great aspirations in the family. I am the second child out of the five children, my parent knew about my dream to study outside the country when I was in my first year at the University. My Father is a University Professor, and he supports my dream, knowing fully well the benefits of studying outside Africa.

He encourages me often and explains the importance of studying hard so as to get a scholarship that can help me achieve my dreams. I remember he uses himself as an illustration of a missed opportunity. He was awarded a scholarship when he was about my age to study his first degree in America, because of the exceptional performances in his education. Due to the uneducated parents he had, he was denied access to funds for traveling and living expenses. So, he made a promise to his children that, if any of us should do well to get a grant, he will fund the living expenses. I remember he says to me, "if you want to study outside Nigeria, do well to look for opportunities and make sure you don't miss it". My father is supportive of my dreams and ambition. My parents and guardian are the ones funding my living expenses in the United Kingdom. With my offer at the University, my parents are in support of me getting a full tuition grant. They have agreed to fully support me, if granted a scholarship. They will have love to fund every expenses, because of the necessities of my siblings and other extended family members, they will not be able to do that, without inconveniencing the rest of the family.

ichanpants89 [Contributor] 16 / 777 309  
May 30, 2016   #2
Hi Fasakin, it is really nice to see a new member in this forum, and therefore I would like to say welcome :) You are in the right place to share your essay about scholarship. We (members and contributors) are here trying to do our best to help you achieving your dream. In fact, this website actually helps every member of this forum by letting its members convey their thoughts and ideas through other members' essays.

With regards to your essay, I believe that you still need a lot of works. You can mind the descriptions about your errors below:

- In Nigeria, growing up in the family of five children is really challenging. As a child, growing up in the family of five children has been challenging in Nigeria.(You were explaining about a fact / general truth in Nigeria, simple present tense is the appropriate grammar)

- I have also nurturenurtured the dream of studying...
- ButHowever , my dream iswas being held... (avoid making coordinating conjunction 'But' in the beginning of the sentence. This will make your essay looks less formal.)

- ...my parentparents knew about my dream... (be consistent, since the beginning you've mentioned parents not parent.)
- ...he always supports my dream, knowing fully well the benefits of studying outside Africa. (somehow emphasizing is helpful)
- He often encourages me often and explains the importance of studying hard so asin order to get a scholarship that can help me achieve my dreams.

- ...his first degree in America (comma is unnecessary) because of thehis exceptional performances in his previous education.
- Due to the uneducated parents he had, it is unfortunate that he was denied access to fundsfor traveling and living expenses.his travel and living expenses.

- ...make sure you don'tdo not miss it". (avoid contractions, it also makes your essay looks less formal)
- My father is supportive ofvery keen on supporting my dreams and...
- My parents and guardian are the ones who will funding my living...
- They will have love to fund every expenses, because of the necessities of my siblings and other extended family members, they will not be able to do that, without inconveniencing the rest of the family.(I have no idea about your last sentence, it was quite confusing. It seems like you've rebutted your previous statement. Perhaps you can consider simplify the language use or sentence structure)

There you are Fasakin, I hope my feedback will be helpful towards your essay development. Good luck for pursuing the scholarship! :)
akbartaufiq25 7 / 81 54  
May 30, 2016   #3
Hello Fasakin, glad to see more members are currently struggling to get a scholarship; I am one of the "scholarship hunters" too :D. Let's work hard and wishing for the best results.

Fasakin, I hope you will post the revision of this essay since you got excellent comments from one of our contributors. I will give some notes about your writing in addition to the previous feedback.

"My Father is a University Professor, and he supports my dream, knowing fully well the benefits of studying outside Africa." Better to split up this sentence. The overuse of comma, sometimes, may confuse the reader. You can consider the following alternative to your sentence:

"My father supports my dream. As a university professor, he knows the benefits of studying abroad better than me."

I suggest you learning the rules of capitalization. No need to capitalize title of jobs except in some circumstances. One can only capitalize the letter if the title of jobs comes before or after the name of a person. For example:

I read that President Obama will attend the meeting tomorrow.
Megan Fox, Actress, will play in the upcoming movie entitled ...

Hope these help. Cheers :D
OP fash2468 1 / 2  
May 31, 2016   #4
I am glad for the review, helpful


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