'touching the lives of thousands' - Excellence Scholarship application

Help me fix this scholarship application letter:
Question: Why do you think you are a particularly suitable candidate for this Excellence Scholarship?

It took ten years of persistence, extreme frugality and discipline to find myself in a position where I could attend university to acquire my first degree. Even with this long period of sacrifice I still had to work and study full time to support my family. Notwithstanding the inherent challenges associated with studying and working to support a family I was able to graduate with a 3.72 GPA.

Completing my first degree took me one step closer to my ultimate goal of acquiring a PhD in computing or a related field. However, I have come to the stark reality that I will not be able to achieve this goal on my own; this is the reason why I am applying for a scholarship.

Acquiring a master's degree and later a PhD will give me the intellectual and professional clout needed to facilitate meaningful changes in IT here in St. Lucia. As a senior employee with the Government of St. Lucia IT department I know firsthand the great disadvantage faced by countries like St. Lucia where the use of technology is concerned. The truth is we lag far behind developing countries such as UK, US and Canada. To bridge the existing gap we need skilled IT professionals who will not only help design and implement technology but who will also teach others. I am seeking to qualify myself to lecture at the college and university level, and to help design and implement IT policies at the national level in St. Lucia.

By granting me a scholarship, you will be potentially touching the lives of thousands through my work. I am presently working part time with the Court Diversion Program of the Ministry of Home Affairs in St. Lucia, where I transfer IT skills to at-risk youth, such as school dropouts and juvenile probationers. I was also instrumental in digitizing the Land Registry records, which saw a reduction in waiting time for records shift from months to minutes.

I believe my more than fifteen years of IT experience and training, a continued desire for self-development, combined with my passion for technology and my logical approach to problem solving, will be the foundation for my success at graduate school, as it was during my study at the undergraduate level. At this stage in my professional development, I know what I want and I am willing to work hard to acquire it. It is my sincere hope that my application could be most seriously considered because your decision will definitely produce a far-reaching impact on my future.

I believe my more than fifteen years of IT experience and training, a continued desire for self-development, combined with my passion for technology and my logical approach to problem solving, will be the foundation for my success at graduate school, as it was during my study at the undergraduate level.

suggestions:-
1. I believe my more than... -> I believe with more than fifteen year...
2. I feels that the sentence is too long. It will be better write it in 2 sentences.