This is my essay for a scholarship. It has a 3/31 deadline so I could use some help. It has to be 250 words or less so the essay as it is posted here needs some editing. Please let me know what you would cut out or change entirely. I only just discovered this site but I have looked around it a little and have seen the advice to use less words to say the same thing, but I am having trouble grasping how to do that here. So any tips on how to do that would be great. Any advice would be helpful, really. Thanks so much.
Here is the question:
If I could trade places with any superhero or villain for a day, who would I choose and why?
If I could trade places with any superhero undoubtedly my first choice would be PeaceMan. PeaceMan?? Yes. Though not as popular as Batman or The Tick, I read somewhere once that big name heroes like Wonder Woman and Plastic Man interned with him before hitting the streets on their own. Why would I want to be Peace Man? Who wouldn't want to be Peace Man, is a better question. His extraordinary powers and abilities are to swoop down and reach anyone who is in search of him, anyone in need. He can be anywhere and everywhere at all times. No need for a red phone or fancy whistling skills to summon him. Also, he has no physical form, constantly morphing from a symbol to a feeling. Though sometimes visible, other times he materializes only as an experience. I think that is cool.
I heard that his motto is " Anyone can do it. You build your powers by truly listening to your own peaceful nature, invoking peace for yourself armors you in wisdom. You also build your powers by listening to the stories of others, invoking compassion for others gives you a shield of empathy. It all starts with you" I am inspired by this message everyday.
My second and third choices would definitely be Get-out-of-bed-even-when-you-don't-want-to Man who tirelessly swoops in to save your day Monday through Friday. And, Gratitude Girl who comes to you in your darkest hour and reminds you of all the good things in your life.
Awesome... very impressive indeed :)
I like this para out of all... It flows very well and you display your unique writing style. That's really very impressive.
How about if I let you be my sidekick? you can do it on your own, you know. It starts with you.
This is the only part I find a bit boring and also confusing.... I guess it is a bit too long and the reader needs to keep memorizing things. You can easily improve its presentation.
Your answer shows you are quite creative. Wish you good luck with your scolarship!
I didn't understanded this part: "Here's how I think the conversation would go "You want to trade places with me?? I am not sure you know what you are really asking for. Its not always fun and excitement, like when I swoop in to help someone put down a gun, you know. It can be boring at times. Like for example, I spend a lot of time watching people meditate. You seem pretty determined. Tell me why" because I want to contribute to the peace in the world" I want to deliver the experience of peace to people, see the relief on their faces feel the joy in their hearts" why should you get to have all the fun?" How about if I let you be my sidekick? you can do it on your own, you know. It starts with you."
I guess there's no need to this paragraph. You could improve more the first paragraph of why do you want to be this superhero and the other parts you cut. I like these "You build your powers by truly listening to your own peaceful nature, by listening to others you invoke compassion, which is peace for others and by listening to nature. There are messages all over the place. You need only to tune into them.
My second and third choices would definitely be Get-out-of-bed-even-when-you-don't-want-to Man who tirelessly swoops in to save your day Monday through Friday. And, Gratitude Girl who comes to you in your darkest hour and reminds you of all the good things in your life." but i don't know it that last one fits... Try to increase the first paragraph If I could trade places with any superhero undoubtedly my first choice would be PeaceMan. Peaceman?? Yes. Though not as popular as Batman or The Tick, I did read somewhere once that big name heroes like Wonder Woman and Plastic Man interned with him before hitting the streets on their own. Why would I want to be Peace Man? Who wouldn't want to be Peace Man, is a better question. His extraordinary powers and abilities are to swoop down and reach anyone who is in search of him, anyone in need. He can be anywhere and everywhere at all times. No need for a red phone or fancy whistling skills. Also, he has no physical form, constantly morphing from a symbol to a feeling. Though sometimes visible, other times he materializes only as an experience. I think that is cool. with more reasons you want to be Peaceman xD
Oh, yeah, I'm doing the same scholarship. But you're in college right? I like your essay but I don't think the way in which you expressed it is effective. You need to think of more varying word choice and open up with a more attractive statement. I don't want to give the website of the scholarship because we will have even more competitors, but I just give you my two cents.
Thanks for helping me on mine :)
The link helped a lot!
I think you have a really good chance of winning. I can't find any grammar mistakes, really! It is perfect and I like your creativity. The only thing is that you need a stronger and more meaningful conclusion.
This is one of the most fun prompts I have heard of. I like the way you went about answering the question. I think the first sentence should be a little more attention grabbing. This essay in particular gives you the opportunity to describe a scene as your beginning. The only other thing I would say is about the paragraph with the conversation. Maybe it was just a formatting issue since this isn't like Microsoft word or anything but it was slightly confusing. You should model it like a conversation in a book. Each separate quote is a new paragraph on a new line. Other than that it was great! Hope this helped :)
