Hi! Could you please check & correct my essay. Your suggestions and opinions would be immensely helpful!!!
the rules: in the personal statement contain:
- Motivations with which you apply for this program
- Personal background in family and education
- Significant experiences you have had; risks you have taken and achievements you have made, persons or events that have had a significant influence on you
- Extracurricular activities such as club activities, community service activities or work experiences
- If applicable, describe awards you have received, publications you have made, or skills you have acquired, etc.
안녕하세요, Let me introduce myself. My name is Nazula Rukhiana Mukarromah. I was graduated from SMA N 1 Bantul, one of senior high schools in Yogyakarta which is famous as a city of students and cultures. SMA N 1 Bantul is ex-RSBI (standardized international schools) and has the highest score of accreditation in Yogyakarta. I still studying in Islamic Univeristy of Indonesia for undergraduate with major Industrial Engineering. I intend to undergraduate in Chonbuk National University and take Industrial Information System Engineering not in Islamic Univeristy of Indonesia.
Distance from the house to the campus is 37 km, so every day I should cover 74 km by motorcycle. I must be willing to rain or heat or go home too late at the night. I can not hire a dorm because there is no money, not even I could study at the private college is because I get scholarship. In return it, I should be the best students so that my scholarship was not revoked by contributing research with professors or becoming a lab assistant , even so I was actively participating student organizations because I really like to organize. Therefore , I sometimes come home tonight for a particular day . While the days that no lectures I used to learn and work part time so that I can still buy fuel for my motorcycle and apply the knowledge was gained. For me asking for money from parents is embarrassing when I know they've been working hard but just enough to eat every day, therefore I tried to keep studying for a higher education without burden my parents again, just prayers of parents to success. I apply KGSP is because I feel my physically and mentally unable if I must study in there for 4 years. How can a woman travel a long distance every day , required to win an international competition to keep it running scholarship , working to allowance, etc. for 4 years ?
See parents getting older and sometimes in the night crying furtively for her daughter who strive to learn until college, I did not have the heart, therefore I apply for this scholarship. My expectations by following this scholarship is my parents can be more calm in seeing her daughter going to college, other than that I could feel a different atmosphere, meet people from different countries, knowing new cultures as well as joining the local and international organizations. In my opinion, a good education is not only seen from the course but from the neighborhood as well.
I remember one quote: "Learned and civilized people will not dwell in hometown. Leave your land and wondered. Get for wondered, you're going to get a replacement from relatives and friends. Get tried, the sweetness of life feels after struggling"- imam syafi'i. So, I believe and exited this scholarship can help me to reach my dreams for study in overseas.
I was born in a middle class family, that strongly believe in the possibility of education and appreciate it. My parents are engaged in small business, and they want their children to receive a good education. My father is an entrepreneur and my mother is a house wife. I have one sister but she passed away when I was in senior high school.
I was following research with my professor about optimization bus "TransJogja" using android which it is name bus in Yogyakarta area. I usually make programs. Moreover, I make website, design poster/film/editing video/mapping video/magazine/or etc. Some of my creation have been uploaded in internet. In senior high school, I joined a club Olympiad of computer and represented my school in province level. I was also a teacher for my junior in school who would represent the school in Olympiad and I was active in school organization which works for technology or IT. I had been active for two years and became webmaster and coordinator of logic and programming division. I sometimes created events for students in Yogyakarta. In Islamic University of Indonesia, I joined with student organization named "HMTI", I active in research and development division. In the community , I joined the local community named "Inspirator Indonesia" which members consist of volunteers to build the region and Indonesia. I also participated in many of competitions related with technology such as:
Participant of the Electronic and Computer Engineering Program Contest in Kristen Satya Wacana University, Salatiga.
The score of this contest was Java and Bali area.
Participant Olympic science of computer at the level of province in 2013-2014
I know that there are hundreds of other candidates, but I can proudly say that I have prepared alone for this program. For two months. All these are my own ideas and nobody helped me in writing and full filling the application. So, I believe that I can study in Korea and become one of ambassador of good relationship between of Indonesia and Korea in the future.
Hello
I think your text is good, but some of the sentences imply that they were written by a non-native speaker. You should spell-check your essay once again while paying special attention to the use of the indefinite and definite articles (a, the). There are also a few errors with how you structure your sentences. Here are some examples:
one of [...] the [...] senior high schools...
I [...] am [...] still studying at the Islamic...
with [...] my [...] major [...] being [...] Industrial Engineering.
I must be willing to rain or heat or go home too late at the night. [...] I must stick with the routine, regardless of what happened to be the weather condition each day.
is because I get scholarship. [...] I was qualified to receive a scholarship.
It would also be better if you break down some of your long sentences (such as the one that begins with 'In return...') in two. Finally, you should consider rewriting some of the statements that do not sound very refined (stylistically). For example, the line 'In my opinion, a good education is not only seen from the course but from the neighborhood as well ' sounds rather awkward and it is not very clear what did you have in mind while coming up with it. These are the most notable issues with your essay. Other than that, it is not bad at all.
I hope this helped. Regards.
Hello
i have some advice to your essay, but actually your essay was good
I intend to undergraduate in Chonbuk National University and take Industrial Information System Engineering not in Islamic Univeristy of Indonesia.
to make to inf word, have to combine to and v1. but, you use undergraduate which is noun
I must be willing to rain or heat or go home too late at the night.
what the meaning of be wiling? the meaning of be willing is to be happy to do something if it is needed. please look at the Cambrige Dictionary if you wish
I can not hire a dorm because there is no money
maybe you mean dormitory , if you write some essay, please pay attention in your spelling
I should be the best students
isingular, but you use student with s which have mean plurar
I sometimes come home to night for a particular day
maybe you can write "sometimes i come home at night for particuar day
