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"I am trapped" - My Personal Statement - Global Korea Scholarship

rafifirman 1 / -  
Aug 28, 2020   #1
Hello, everyone. I've working on my essay and this is the revision I've made. Please review and give me an advice. Thank you

Personal Statement essay

I am trapped. I've been trapped and not capable to get out from my feeling of love for South Korea. My attention has been drawn by the beauty of Hangul script and the Korean language which is difficult but unique to be learned. Soon as my ears hear them (Korean) speak, I'm captivated by the sounds of pronunciation. How much I love it, made me start learning to read and write Hangul since Elementary School by searching the material on the internet myself until I kept following the development of South Korea that amazed me. From one of the poorest countries has become a leading country in many aspects. Provides me a desire to take a look and experience directly how is the real Korean culture like through Korean Language and Literature major that I'm intending to take, especially how is the interaction process that occurs in a homogeneous society like South Korea with their Pali-pali culture which is way different from Indonesian culture. Likewise, advanced technology also better and a strict education system makes me eager to study and compete there.

Born in a family that no one ever graduated from a bachelor's degree gives me the vision to make my parents proud. Both of them really support me to pursue my education better and higher as I am the first son of three children. However, due to the economic condition and the expense that they couldn't effort gave an obstacle in fighting for the national university, but it does not reduce my passion to keep struggling and attempting to improve my life. I should keep trying until I reach a "Success" even though I have not earned it yet, I must able to help and improve my family's economy.

In early 2019, things were getting worst until eventually my parents decided to separate. For the first time in my life, I felt so empty, broken, and hopeless. Along the year I suffered from depression until I met someone who realized me that talking is one of the best ways to heal the inner wound. I kept hanging out with her, kept sharing stories until I escaped from depression, I managed to find my new dreams, my new vision of life and felt like I was living for a second time. Since then, I started to open up myself to share stories with other people, as well as helped and listened to their problems. At least to ease the burdens they had been carrying.

Right now I live with my father and his family in my aunt's house while my brother and sister live with my mother in her hometown. Now my father works as a taxi driver and my mother as a small merchant. Since then I started used to live independently and take care of everything on my own that before my mother always did for me. Although we are far apart, we always communicate also comfort and remind each other. My parents probably still childish, yet as the first son I must become an adult for my family. I'm really grateful for these to happened, so that I could learn so many things. Like I used to blamed my father for everything, but actually there is no one's fault, it all have become destiny and we only have to enjoy the plot and take the lessons. Also, now I'm often to overthinking, but I'm able to handle it and distract it as long as I'm reading a book or even articles on the internet.

I was born in Semarang. However, I was brought up in Jambi. I began my education in Elementary School number 124, I had not concerned about the competition yet even though I always obtained the top ten rank. Then, I went to Middle School number 7 that is one of the best middle schools there. For the first time, I felt the strict competition in education. Nevertheless, I was able to compete and obtained the fifth rank. After one year in that school, I must move to West Java for my father's job, I went to a private school. There was the first time I joined the school organization of students council. I learned to think critically and work in team, how to invent a new concept for a school's event. Here either I started to find new hobbies, learned many things and kept feeling curious like started to learn English and learned 3D animation software, and started to dream for study abroad so that I studied hard and maintain my grades at school. One year later, I must move again to Central Java because of the family economy problem was getting worse. Again, I attended a private school in Semarang. But I successfully graduated as the best student with the first rank in my school.

Afterwards, I continued my study to High School number 10 in Semarang and took Science major. Here was the phase I found myself. I started to do what I like and joined many schools activities. Like scout, extracurricular and organization, also participated in an activity like mountain climbing. Be known and relied on by many teachers made me become a class leader so I could improve my leadership skills. I learned to manage the class and manage my time. Teachers' trusts on me oftentimes made me pointed to participate in many competitions like stock investment simulation competition, accounting competition, and pre-physics Olympiad.

Since I graduated from Middle School, I had tried to enroll in the school I hoped, yet I failed and went to High School number 10 instead. In the second year of my high school, I tried to enroll in a scholarship program to study abroad that I had been waiting for since in the second year of middle school, yet I failed again. In the third year I tried to enroll in the same program, and the result still the same. After graduated from high school, I really hope I can study in my favorite university, for three times I failed again. I'm starting to be tired, but doesn't mean that I stop to keep trying, I'm starting to make a peace and be friends with failures, starting to accept it patiently. All I must do is keep making effort and enjoy the process. This is become a valuable experience for me so that I'm not easily give up on my dreams, my life, and my family.

At school, I tried to be an active student. I joined organization of Class Representative Assembly with the position of Public Relations that required me to be able to communicate goodly and dare to speak in front of the public. I often joined seminars and forums. Also, joined English Convention Club that trained my speaking and writing skills, even I participated in English Debate Competition. As well as I joined Theater extracurricular, I found my new family, we fought together, oftentimes we performed on school's events, and participated in Theater competition for the first time in my life.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 14,423 4689  
Aug 28, 2020   #2
The English grammar in this essay is inconsistent and reflects the use of an English translation software during a majority of the writing process. It is not very effective in delivering your thoughts because of this. Your essay is held back by the difficulty in understanding most of your paragraphs. The clarity of your sentiment is, well, lost in translation. It would be better if you hire a professional to help you smooth out the presentation and edit the content presentation to help it gain more clarity.

The presentation itself is running too long because of the lack of focused presentation. It needs to be more concise to help the reviewer easily understand your background. One of the lacking aspects in the presentation has to do with the person who served to influence you as a role model in life. The lack of proper introduction of the person in the statement makes the reader question the qualities and qualifications of this person who seems to have helped you turn your life around.

The reference to High School number 10 does not make sense. Remember, the reviewer is not familiar with your educational system so you have to give a short background explanation regarding why this failure is something that should be noted on your part, in relation to your scholarship application.

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