My name is Jorden Rosenboom. I'm from Blum, Texas, and I'm going to be graduating in May from Blum High School. I'll be going to TSU in Fall of 2017. I'd like to tell you a little about my achievements, interests, and my goals.
basketball, art and psychology
I have been on the varsity basketball team since I was a sophomore, and each year we've made it to the playoffs. Sophomore year, I got 1st team all district and junior year I got 2nd team all region. Both my junior and senior year I was on the cross country team. Then, my junior year, we got third at regionals, which qualified us to compete at state. This year we made it to state by getting first at the regional meet. At state, which was held in Round Rock, Texas, we finished third. That was the first time Blum had ever medalled at State for cross country. We recently got softball here my sophomore year and I've played both years, we were in outlaw last year but I believe we can win district and I'm hoping to make it farther in playoffs.
In my free time I enjoy drawing and painting. I've taught myself how to draw and paint since third grade. All the hard work and practice to be good at it has gotten me a couple of prizes. I won the competition to design our city flag, so now my drawing is part of our small town's history. I was also asked to help collaborate on a drawing of our old gym because we are tearing it down and we made a poster and sold t-shirts in memory of it. I've also spent time doing little things for the church I go to. I've helped them design a few things like, signs and trophies. I was involved in Habitat for Humanity my freshman and sophomore year. When I volunteered, we had to go paint and help fix up some houses that were being built. I spent approximately 16 hours working for Habitat.
Starting high school, I really enjoyed art. At the time, my dream was to be an art major once I got to college. However, as time has passed, I've developed a love for listening to my friends and helping them to the best of my ability. The more problems I see in other people's lives and my own the more I want to help people conquer their situations. Not just by ignoring a problem but by suggesting different solutions. As a result of my fascination with assisting people, I've become captivated by psychology and the possibility of becoming a therapist. Self psychology and Interpersonal Psychotherapy are two of the main specialties that peak my interest. That being said, I have been accepted to Tarleton as a psychology major. My goal is to complete my bachelor's degree, and then go on to get a master's in Psychology.
Jorden you have written a good essay and I think it's good at this point. I am still trying to understand your first paragraph (the ending part) where after listing your achievements, you wrote about hoping for to make it in soft ball. I think you should not include that. I have to read your first paragraph over again to understand exactly that part. But so far I think your essay is good and okay for the prompt.
I will get back to you if I see a problem that requires change after reviewing your essay again.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 10,356 3367
Hi Jorden, this is a pretty interesting essay. I believe that it shows some pretty good talents and traits that you have as both a student, community leader, and friend. However, I am not sure how these are all relevant to your scholarship application. Can you please share the prompt requirement for the scholarship with me here? I don't really know how to begin to assess your work because I am not sure what the scholarship essay requirements are. So I would appreciate you giving me a starting point for the actual review of your work. While the essay sounds pretty balanced and strong, It should help your scholarship application to a certain degree. I hope to help you improve your essay so I need to know if there are some paragraph that we have to strengthen further based upon the information expectation of the scholarship program.
Hi Jordan, I have read your essay. Honestly, I am keen on reading this because not only you have some talents, but you also always your friends. This essay showed that you really like socializing with others. I think you have read thread why you can be the excellent therapist. However, there were a few things which you are supposed to strengthen. First, you can explore where is your turning point so that you wanna be the therapist. You need more strong statements to make this more attractive. Besides that, you avoid the word "the possibility". I think it's better you decide your profession in the future. The conviction is needed in the essay about your way. Following this, you need sharpening your goal in the future. It is not inadequate if you only mentioned that you will become the therapist. You ought to show steps what you will do for harnessing your ability in giving benefits for citizens.
I really believe your essay is gonna be more interesting on condition that you include those points. Good Luck for your application.
I have reworded that portion of my essay to fit into this more. This is how it is at the moment, "Blum also recently started a softball team, and I have played both years. We ran an "outlaw" schedule last year, which means you are not eligible for district awards, but I believe with hard work and dedication, this year can win district and make it into the playoffs."
Thank you for your advice.
@Holt My prompt was to write about my achievements, interests, and goals.