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UNC supplement essays, University of North Carolina - something inspiring


I need some suggestions.

1. Tell us a story that helps us better understand a person, place, or thing you find inspiring. (250 limit)

an elder's performance group called "Sunset"



In 2014, I founded Micro Love, a public welfare league that provides volunteer service for the elders in the old people's home in my community. We visited their houses, prepared art shows, and did whatever we could to take care of them. I thought we brought them plenty of happiness. However, when I had deeper conversation with the elders, I realized that we didn't manage to make them really happy. What the elders actually need is social recognition and sense of accomplishment, which they could hardly have a chance to achieve at their age.

Therefore, I decided to organize some old people who have some talents, including dancing, singing, reciting and calligraphy, and formed an elder's performance group called "Sunset". We established stage in public for them show their talents, which was really successful. They recited the poem "I Believe In The Future" with strength and emotion. They performed Pekin Opera just like professional artists. They also showed their calligraphy with a large size brush on the ground. They attracted a number of passers-by and prompted a round of applause. When people appreciated them and they laughed, I knew that the show made them feel really young and happy.

The show is also inspiring for me. It inspires me to think from other's perspective and to find creative solutions. If I hadn't thought in view of the old people, I couldn't have made them feel happy in such a creative and effective way.(244)

Jan 10, 2017   #2
Jiang, you forgot the one essay per thread ruling of the forum. I am reminding you about it so that you can post the other essay for advice in a new thread. Remember, the mods tend to delete the second essay that was posted. I know you need advice for that one too so please, place it in a new thread for safekeeping. I can also better advice you if you place it in a dedicated thread. For now, I will focus on reviewing the first essay for you.

You have to clarify something in the essay, was it the activity with the seniors that inspired you? Was it the time spent with them mounting the show and getting to know them better? Or was it the actual show itself because you felt s a sense of self accomplishment along with them? Those are two different sorts of inspiration so you have to focus on one discussion alone as a form of inspiration for you.

I believe, that you should discuss the talk that you had with the seniors as the inspiring moment in this time frame. That is the point of your essay that allows for the explanation of why the people or person (senior) inspired you to mount the program to showcase their talents. Remember, the essay asks you to discuss a person, place, or thing that you find inspiring. The show is an event and does not classify under any of the three choices you were provided.
Hi Bennyooo

Thanks for help me in my essay....
I already read your essay but i can't find which part of the SUNSET that really make you inspired.
Is it about the idea? about the spirit of elder about performance? or about the performance they did in opera?
Make sure you are specified which part of SUNSET that really make you inspired.

Thank you
Sorry about grammatical error, English isn't my mothers language.
Good luck
@Holt @digaprasiska
Thank you. Here is a revised version.

In 2014, I founded Micro Love, a public welfare league that provides volunteer service for the elders in the old people's home in my community. We visited their houses, prepared art shows, and did whatever we could to take care of them. I thought we brought them plenty of happiness. However, Once when I had a deeper talk with the elders, I realized that we didn't manage to make them really happy. They told me what they actually needed was social recognition and sense of accomplishment, which they could hardly have a chance to achieve at their age.

That talk with the elders was really edifying and inspiring for me. It taught me that I should first think in other's perspectives before helping them, and inspired me to find a more effective way to delight the elders. Then I came up with new idea.

I decided to organize some old people who have some talents, including dancing, singing, reciting and calligraphy, and formed an elder's performance group called "Sunset". We established stage in public for them show their talents, which was really successful. They recited the poem "I Believe In The Future" with strength and emotion. They performed Pekin Opera just like professional artists. They also showed their calligraphy with a large size brush on the ground. They attracted a number of passers-by and prompted a round of applause. When people appreciated them and they laughed, I knew that the show made them feel really young and happy

@Holt, by the way, I'm not a native speaker. I just want to ask, what's the differece between "elders" and "seniors", and Which should I use here.
Jan 11, 2017   #5
Jiang, by definition, an elder is described as any of the following persons:
1. a person of greater age than someone specified.
2. a person of advanced age.
3. a leader or senior figure in a tribe or other group.

While a senior citizen, which is the complete term for the shortened "senior" term used I am suggesting for use in your essay describes someone who is "an elderly person, especially one who is retired and living on a pension."

Since you were visiting the old people at a home or a senior living facility, it would be more proper to call them "senior citizens" or "seniors" for short. That is because they fall under the definition of a retired person living on a pension.

So in the essay, do not call them old people, do not call them elders, call them "seniors" instead or use the full term "senior citizen" when referring to the people you interacted with of far advanced age than you. Apply the correction in the essay.

Finally, I still do not see any reference in your discussion as to how you were inspired by the performance of the senior citizens. You need to make it clear because you are talking about joy and happiness and getting satisfaction from their performance and not how the activity inspired you. There is a difference between the sense of satisfaction that you got and the inspiration that you had because of the activity.


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