Hi there. Would appreciate if anyone could help me to look through my essays for my Chevening Scholarship Application 2017/2018 and to suggest for improvements. Thank you so much in advance.
Networking
United we stand, divided we fall. We will be able to march forward at a steady pace but much further than one ever could alone. Being in the Chevening Community will be an opportunity to widen my current entrepreneurial circle to bring together a broader selection of professionals and resources complementing each others' endeavors. To be the best entrepreneur is one that has good networks to encourage, innovate and create outstanding ideas. The journey is what builds friendships, networking, characters, intellectual and mindfulness - A vital step to not skip at all cost.
Do imagine this. If an individual is represented by a thread which in turn is represented by a culture, creativity, ideas, knowledge, experience etc, that thread will only get bigger, stronger, and more colorful when woven together. By building long-lasting connections with like-minded people of different nationalities pursuing the same passion, we will be able to encourage, share and innovate our ideas and strategies together, each forming forming avant-garde ideas.
Relationship Managers ("RM") are the central of networking of every Bank. Being in a team of 8 people handling an overall 131 government and government linked companies' ("GLC") accounts, the nature of my job is such that we will have to rotate the set of Clients occasionally when the need arises. This requires a whole new understanding of the Clients' characters, backgrounds, histories and businesses' requirements. Earlier this year, we welcomed 3 newcomers to the department which then the portfolios' rotations of took place for the new allocation to the RMs. I was entrusted with a new set of clients and with my previous set of clients being transferred to another colleague. Despite the changing of personnel, my previous Clients persisted to contact me for advices and assistance. This is an epitome of a network well established, whereby the Customer has placed his faith in me and I am equally honored to go the extra mile to assist him.
I had the privilege to organize in a team to represent the Bank for two (2) Corporate Social Responsibility ("CSR") Projects which are an Orphanage and Old Folks Home. It was an eye-opener touching experience to a world I was never exposed of before. I have become acquainted with the team members that strived to make positive impact on the communities. I also volunteered at an animal shelter, PAWS and was devastated to see that many stray animals that were uncared for. The CSR and PAWS experience had engraved in me a strong will to make a change and I vowed to be the voice of those who are not able to voice out their rights.
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One essay in one thread please
Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,801 
4780 Jaime, do not deviate from the more important discussion in the prompt. Your opening paragraph was quite enlightening and relevant to the professional experience that you presented. I wish that you had developed the idea that the clients preferred to contact you even though you had already passed them on to new handlers. While this shows your influence among your clients, it also provided an opportunity for you to show leadership and influencing skills by returning them to their handlers and influencing them to place their trust in the new account managers. This would have shown that you have not only leadership and influencing skills, but also complete trust in the ability of your team mates. That is a definite plus in these sorts of essays.
You can totally remove the civic idea related to your volunteering at PAWS. While the intention you have for presenting it is admirable, it doesn't really provide a clear idea as to how you were able to lead and influence the situation or the people as a volunteer. The more appropriate story for this essay is the work related one.
@Holt
Hi Holt, I had submitted my revised essays (which I did not have the time to repost here) in my scholarship application a few days back. Whether or not I am awarded the scholarship, I just wanted to say thank u so much for helping me and the rest of the applicants in our essays. We really appreciated it.
Have a lovely day ahead :)
