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The United States is labeled with a land of opportunity. My Study Objective for fulbright


fadlanmuzakki 15 / 49 36  
Apr 10, 2015   #1
Everyone please help me to correct and give me suggestion in order my Fulbright scholarship essay. deadline is 4 days left. Thankyou.
your comment is highly appreciated.

a clear and detailed description of your study objectives. Give your reason for wanting to pursue them in the U.S. Describe the kind of program you expect to undertake, and explain how your proposed field of study fits in with your educational background, your professional background, your future objectives, and your future involvement in community development. Please type, do not write.

The United States is labeled with a land of opportunity which is dreamed by almost all Indonesian professional young people to continue their studies. As a super power country, American universities are preferred by people that want to learn more about theory of their previous education, especially when it comes to social science. One of the theories is a quantitative theory of international relations which is commonly known as event data in foreign affairs.

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justivy03 - / 2,367 607  
Apr 11, 2015   #2
Hey Fadlan,

Kindly find my help below;

The United States is labeled (with - DELETE, REPLACE WITH "as") a land of opportunity which is dreamed by almost all Indonesian professional young people to continue their studies. As a super power country, American universities are preferred by people that want to learn more about theory of their previous education, especially when it comes to social science. One of the theories is a quantitative theory of international relations which is commonly known as event data in foreign affairs. The theory is(HAS) drawn my attention dramatically to be an expert on foreign policy analysis as the theory is not well-implemented in my country. For this reason, I am passionately interested to pursue my master(S) degree in the field of Foreign Policy Studies in the United States with the concentration of Word Event Interaction Survey (WEIS) theory which is coined in the USA.

Event data in foreign policy analysis is a study which analyzes a foreign relation pattern by formulating quantitative data. This study is well developed in many universities in the USA such as university(University) of Marryland, university(University) of Chicago, University of Michigan, Johns Hopkins University(, - PUNCTUATION MARK TO DELETE) and University of Kansas. This study is completely relevant to my educational background, bachelor degree in International relations, with the needs of the college where I am currently working. A master's(MASTERS) degree program will provide me with more in-depth learning and advanced training so that I will have the expertise I need inside and outside the (IN THE) academic world. Indeed, a master's(MASTERS) degree will enhance my academic qualifications and help me gain professional development as a lecture(LECTURER OR PROFESSOR) at Universitas Nasional Jakarta and continuing my career in regional representative council.

My bachelor thesis which presents Event Data Analysis brought me to be a lecture assistant at Universitas Nasional Jakarta since I (was - DELETE) graduated from undergraduate degree(???? - REPHRASE). Furthermore, this analysis (was - DELETE, MIND TENSES) also (sent me to - DELETE AND REPLACE WITH, "granted me to") be a special staff in regional representative council. I have realized that this study is strongly needed to(IN) Indonesia as a democratic country which has a great relation to other countries especially America. By analyzing a quantitative data, the government can see the pattern of foreign relation and can decide the next steps in formulating foreign policies in order to reaching new agreement, gaining bilateral (and multalareral - DELETE) cooperation(, - DELETE PUNCTUATION MARK)or diplomacy and organizing lobby. So as to this condition, I always teach the study to the students with the purpose of enhancing more experts in event data analysis theory.

After finishing my master(MASTERS) degree (someday- DELETE), I would like to pursue a doctorate program in (THE) field of international political economy. Then, I would like to devote myself to my country. As far as I am concerned, political economy is interesting to be analyzed since my country, Indonesia, used to be governed by political economy and monetary crisis circumstances in a reformation era (OF) 1998(,- DELETE PUNCTUATION MARK AND REPHRASE NEXT SENTENCE) (IT) made Indonesia becoming(BECOME) a country that has appealed for in the analysis from the perspective of political economy. Furthermore, I also wish to get involved(INVOLVE) in a policy-development role in my country through my basis on academic field. I believe that taking master(MASTERS) degree in the United States would provide me with the best preparation to embark (my career afterwards -REPHRASE TO " in a new and challenging career").

Fadlan, your letter is good but you have to take note of the following;

> punctuation marks - these little details in your letter means more than you think they are.
> spell check - turn on that spell check in your computer, believe me it will be your BFF
> PROOF READING - make it a habit to proof read any article or write up that you do, it doesn't only assure you that your work is fantastic, it also lets you see what improvements you can still make with your article.

Best of luck!!!


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