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'I always used to be a curious person' - scholarship in manufacturing engineering; motivation letter

Ayman Hussien 1 / 7 1  
Aug 12, 2014   #1
Hello, i would like to have your help in this motivation letter draft to know the required modifications:
Hi, i would like to have your help to improve my scholarship motivation letter

Manufacturing is one of the most important fields of life that helps us to update our items and products everyday by making them using different ways and techniques. Every product requires a specific technique to make it precisely, so researches are made to improve the current techniques or discover new techniques. I hope to learn new improving methods in welding and how they will affect the quality of the welding joint and its strength.

To achieve this, I had a B.sc in design and production engineering, which focuses on studying materials, how to design and make different products, how to apply different methods of manufacturing and how to assemble the product.

I also acquired some courses in manufacturing as welding and cnc machining, besides my training in different factories in order to understand more about the steps of making products and the engineering reasons of using these steps.

I always improve my skills by self learning new fields as basics of electronics, and Matlab to help me during my researches, and if there is any new external course I will try my hard to gain it.

Actually, I want to study in Germany because I can have more information about welding that will help me to enhance my skills that will strengthen my researches, also your methods of study will provide me with way to reach my goal, and through your labs I will be able to have a research based on practical trials not just words on papers.

I don't know if I will be totally affected by your society, but I will make sure to have the best habits in order to reflect them in my country.

From my academic records, I believe that I will be able to actualize such a research, despite the challenges that will face me to achieve it.

EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Aug 12, 2014   #2
As I start to read, my mind is drawn to a few phrases that help me to form a mental idea about what I am reading. Here are some of the first ones I see:

contents of the devices and equipment
assemble different models of building games

I wonder if you can replace these nonspecific terms with terms that are more interesting, and perhaps cause an image to arise in the mind of the reader. For example, you can use more colorful words associated with actual examples of specific devices.. phones? Computers? Show the reader a picture in her/his mind.

During my study in the mechanical sector, I started to understand ...--- Again, I think mechanical sector is not specific enough. Your writing, even though it uses more words than necessary in some places, is very good and shows intelligence and thoughtfulness. Your style of writing seems to suggest that you are a person who pays attention to detail. So, the writing is good, but I noticed several places where you can give specific examples instead of referring to a general term, like mechanical sector.
OP Ayman Hussien 1 / 7 1  
Aug 22, 2014   #3
i understand, but must i use some information from my CV in the motivation letter? or sending it with the letter will be enough?
vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Aug 28, 2014   #4
You should always mention some important personal information such as your academic or civic accomplishments and / or awards that you received in relation to the course you will study or the scholarship you are applying for. The reason is that the letter is the first thing the scholarship committee members will read. If they find it interesting, then they will look at your attached CV. You should create an interesting hook at the start of the letter. Like EF Kevin said, it is important to give them an almost visual image of what they are reading so that they will continue to read your application letter to the very end and in the process, seriously consider you as a candidate for the scholarship. Good lick with your application!
vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Aug 30, 2014   #5
Okay, it would have been nice to read the essay prompt prior to reading your motivation letter. But I will go with what you have provided in order to comment on the paper. First of all, the paper is too simplistic in content. It does not say much about your motivation regarding your proposed major and why you chose to study in that particular country, which I assume is the U.S.

What university is this motivation letter addressed to? The reason I ask is because the information you are providing is too general to be seriously considered as a motivation letter by the college or university. You do not discuss anything about the course curriculum that motivated you to choose this educational institution over the others.

It would be better if you discussed your motivation stemming from your early experiences, detailing one specific event that made you realize why you want to go into this particular field of study.

Please discuss how you feel that you can also positively influence the school community using your own country's traditions and customs. That way you can discuss the possible influence that the society you will be immersing yourself in.

Never, ask the university in a motivational letter about possible employment opportunities. That will raise a red flag and make the reviewer think that you are not serious about your studies and are just planning on using your student visa to get into the country. That last part about the job inquiry is sure to make them disregard your motivational letter and not consider your application at all.

There are too many grammatical errors in this essay to point out. I will not delve into those at the moment because the lack of proper content (introduction, thesis, body, and conclusion) needs to be concentrated on first. After the content is fixed and finalized, then we can start working on cleaning up the grammatical errors of the final version. Good luck with the revision :-)
Anouar 12 / 35  
Aug 30, 2014   #6
I think that this essay contain stong critical thinking also it's well organized
OP Ayman Hussien 1 / 7 1  
Aug 30, 2014   #7
As a matter of fact,I don't need to talk about my experience because I will send my CV with the letter, so must I rewrite my experiences in the motivation letter too?

Besides this motivation letter will be sent by e-mail directly to the country, so I think it will be just words filling in the letter.

please can i know the grammatical errors in the letter if this letter will be suitable?
vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Aug 30, 2014   #8
Don't worry about the grammatical errors for now. Rewrite the essay first using the guides mentioned by myself and the previous posters. After you finalize the content, we will help you fix the grammatical errors to bring the writing level up to university standards :-) Don't think about polishing it for now. That is not as important as finalizing the content to make you shine as a potential student at the university.

Remember, the cover letter is the first thing that the admissions committee will read. So it is best to show yourself in the best possible light in the letter. Just give some bullet points about what will make you a very good student and some accomplishments. If you don't make the cover letter interesting, they will not read your CV. The cover letter is not a word filler, it is an overview of your CV. So use it to paint your strengths. Yes, you must include some of your personal experience in the cover letter as well. Use bullet points to make it short but also to highlight the content of your CV. Say something like "My relevant work experience includes:(List it down). Then say, "My accomplishments in the field for you to consider are as follows: (list it down) Your main concern is getting the admissions officer to read beyond the first paragraph your cover letter. They need to read it all the way to the end and then look at your CV right after. In this format, you will be able to write an effective motivation letter that will also make the reader interested to get to know more about you through your CV.
OP Ayman Hussien 1 / 7 1  
Aug 31, 2014   #9
Thank you very much for your efforts, it really helped me.
I will try to write a better letter and show it again.
Anouar 12 / 35  
Sep 1, 2014   #10
I think the essay is genarlly without grammar mistakes
tdshah1 5 / 8 4  
Sep 1, 2014   #11
Your first sentence is what I would focus on most. If you are starting out with that sentence, it seems very bland because it is telling not showing. For example, I can start an essay and say "I have always been very passionate about foreign policy". Ok- the reader would easily believe me, but truth is I have no interest in foreign policy whatsoever. So instead I would start with something that is unique to you. Best idea I can think of is use a narrative.

I would appreciate if you can go to my page and give me feedback on my Case Western essay. Thanks
kjoalvey67 1 / 3  
Sep 7, 2014   #12
To me, it seems like your first sentence is sort of "run-on." Try to condense it.
I always used to be a curious person about knowing the contents of the devices and equipment (like radios and watches) and try to know what their contents are .
Anouar 12 / 35  
Sep 12, 2014   #13
Scholarship essays need more emphasis on how special you are in order to distinguish you from others and qualify your merit
Ewrach - / 3  
Sep 17, 2014   #14
Your motivation can be the idea to make the existing devices better or to increase their usefulness. If your had a creative brains so it's a crime to spoil them.

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