Any corrections would be appreciated, this is the prompt:
In 500 words or less, describe how you intend to utilize your degree/course of study to positively impact your field, and ultimately, the greater community.
Here is my essay:
Science, to some this elicits electrifying recollections of experiments, boisterous projects, or astute dissections. For me, agony. I was endlessly bored by the tedious data about biomes, fossils, and worst of all, plants. Yet, in high school, I hesitantly enrolled into A.P. Chemistry and Biology, and was ensorcelled. While others disesteemed the intricacy, I was enthralled by the complexity of the human anatomy, from cell-mediated immune responses, to mRNA translation, oligodendrocytes, and intermolecular forces. All galvanized me to pursue a major in biochemistry with an occupation in neonatology.
Biochemistry inspects the "chemical components and processes of living systems plants, insects, viruses, microorganisms, and mammals to explain how and why chemical reactions occur." It targets, the manner in which living organisms attain energy from food, the chemical foundation of heredity, and alterations that ensue in diseases. Students in this field canvass the structures and demeanors of complex molecules as they model cells, tissues, and organisms. Although the curriculum is rigorous, the assets are ubiquitous as the discipline permeates microbiology, pharmacology, toxicology, and most eminently, cultivates techniques to study the diagnosis and therapy of diseases.
I aim to employ the knowledge attained from biochemistry in my career as a neonatologist, a subdivision of pediatric medicine allotted to the diagnosis and treatment of high-risk neonates. Throughout history it has been determined that prenatal survival is associated to the infant's capacity to sustain respiration at birth, an understanding biochemists have adopted to foster "strategies designed to avoid lung dysfunction in the preterm infant." As emblematized through Whitsett and Stahlman's article which states, "biochemical changes induced by prenatal glucocorticoids improve lung function and decrease the risk of respiratory distress in infants," due to innovative achievements in biochemistry, a myriad of infants with predicaments once deemed fatal, are now granted life.
Noting the magnanimous accomplishments expedited through biochemistry, I too enterprise to apply this major as an avenue to abate the high infant mortality rates in Sub-Saharan Africa. As reported by UNICEF in 2006, "Sub-Saharan Africa remains the most troubling geographic area... 1 in every 6 children dies before age five." UNICEF arraigns the high mortality to pneumonia, a lung infection abetted by bacteria and viruses, which they characterize as "the forgotten killer of children" murdering more children than AIDS, malaria, and measles combined.
With a background in biochemistry, I endeavor to impact my field by assaying biochemical venues to the treatment and forestallment of pneumonia. If a superior apprehension of the pathophysiology of this malady is identified, then new pathways can be acquired to decipher this global dilemma. Therefore, I aspire to contribute to the research of the microbes liable for this infection, and identify biomarkers that adequately demarcate amidst bacterial and viral pneumonia, consequently prompting faster treatment for neonates.
I am from the humble nation of Guinea-Bissau, and having been blessed with this invaluable opportunity I am vehement to serve my fellow Africans. Though this ambition is grandiose, I am confident that in alliance with other researchers, a solution will be actualized.
Hi :) Nice job with your essay!
I have a few minor suggestions:
Science, to some this elicits electrifying recollections of experiments, boisterous projects, or astute dissections.
I would say Science can make some people imagine... or at least replace the word "elicits"
I hesitantly enrolled into A.P. Chemistry and Biology, and was ensorcelled.
The word "ensorcelled" is uncommon, i would choose a synonym for this word.
While others disesteemed the intricacy
"disesteemed" sounds odd here too.
It targets the manner in which living organisms attain energy from food, the chemical foundation of heredity, and alterations that ensue in diseases.
Some more words don't "fit" quite right ( maybe you are using thesaurus a lot) " heredity" and "alterations" make me stumble over your words a bit.
Whoa man, way too much esoteric writing. Remember, not everyone is a biochemist.
Also, it seems like you got every other word out of a thesaurus. Don't do that, it obfuscates your writing as well as your personal voice.
