THE ESSAY REQUIRES ME TO WRITE ABOUT 600 WORDS BUT BELOW IS NEARLY 650 WORDS AND I DON'T KNOW HOW TO CUT IT DOWN PLEASE HELP ME. IF POSSIBLE PLEASE COMMENT ON MY ESSAY THANKS IN ADVANCE.
It was nearly 3pm but the heat still lingered in the atmosphere. Ignoring the blazing sun, the crowd was cheerfully playing noisy games. I stood outside the line, as i had a task to complete: taking photos. Carefully pressing the button to capture one girl, I beamed happily and moved to another angle. Seeing me smile like that, no one could ever imagine that a few weeks before I was deeply drowned in the hole of inferiority without knowing how to get out.
The long-lived passion for English motivated me to choose it as my major at high school. I passed the entrance exam successfully with the highest score in my new class. I had no doubt about my decision until one day, when the rehearsal for the welcome party took place. Enthusiastic as I might be in the beginning, it all collapsed the moment I tried to sing in front of everyone. One, two lines and they started to giggle. Some malice comments resounded together with the louder giggle caused me to stop abruptly. I bitterly realized what they were laughing at and never before did I feel so embarrassed. I stormed out of the room, leaving behind all the laughter and shouts. The embarrassment clung onto me all the time ever since. Although everyone was kind enough not to repeat about that rehearsal, I could still hear the mock behind my back when I passed some talkative girls. The inferiority even worsened when it dawned on me that all of my classmates could sing much better than me. I was in an English class, where students were famous for being both beautiful and gifted, and I felt like a fish out of water. Each day at school then became a struggle. My mind was always filled with feeling of inferiority and jealousy. Why I was born with no talents? Was God so unfair to me? Those ideas haunted me no matter how hard I tried to remove them. That period was so horrible when I came to class every day feeling so useless and desperate.
In order to ignore those feelings that tortured me, I decided to join the photographer team for the party. At first it was just a makeshift, however, it turned out to be my soundest decision so far. I was always fascinated by being a photographer, though I could not afford a camera. That time provided me a precious chance to practice with one and my fondness for photography deepened more than ever. The more I engrossed in that hobby, the less time I had to overthink about my inferiority. Surely I did not recognize that change, but my thought of having no talents slowly vanished. The welcome party took place well according to plans. Although my task was only behind the stage without any spotlight, I did feel satisfied when I could do the thing I love. It was true happiness when one praised me of my skills and asked me to teach her to take photos. It had been a while since I last felt truly glad like that. My inferiority was gradually replaced by the proud feeling of being a member of community and making contribution to that successful party.
This experience has taught me various valuable things. For one thing, our minds are the biggest barriers against our efforts. ................. . the most precious thing I gain is that everyone is talented in their own ways. Poor grades, bad voices, unskillful hands... are no proof that one lacks talents. Just as Einstein said : '' Everybody is a genius. But if you judge the fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid. '' As long as we believe in ourselves and spend time following our passions, we can soon figure out what we are gifted in.
Hi Huong, welcome to EssayForum :)
With regards to your request, I have read the whole essay and see some parts that are actually unnecessary to be written in this essay. First of all, why would you bother write a flashback plot and exceeds the words limitation if you can write it consecutively according to the prompt given? The prompt actually wants you to first, describe a challenge, second, how you overcame that challenge, and third the impacts of it.
The first paragraph of your essay didn't describe any challenges. In my opinion, this would make the reader / examiner questioning "where is the challenge?" The reader / examiner can only find the challenge from your second paragraph. Usually, the scholarship selection committee has limited time to read the essays from scholarship candidates. If, for example, the examiner didn't find any challenges in the first paragraph, I think it is possible for him/her to leave your essay behind without read it further. This is because you didn't answer it directly since the first paragraph of your essay. At least, you can give an outline of your answers in the first paragraph to make the examiner stay and keep reading your essay. Therefore, the first paragraph of your essay can be deleted and replaced by the second paragraph. I think the content would still connect between each paragraph.
I hope this helps :)
NOTE: It says not to copy-paste the whole thing, but I don't know how else to do this, so here we go.
It was nearly 3pm but the heat still lingered [...] without knowing how to get out.
Honestly, while your intro is nice writing--for, say, a fictional short story, it simply doesn't work for the goal at hand. It's far too similar to a winding road; metaphorical, foreshadow-y, and tries to twist you on a journey. Not to say it's not nice--it is, just not for this.
My long-lived passion (...) it as my major in high school. I passed the entrance exam successfully with the highest score in my new class. I
... my decision until one day, when the rehearsal for the welcome party took place. I'm sorry, what? I don't really understand here. Is the rehearsal for some form of play or something? Try to make this a little more accessible and easily understandable. Enthusiastic as I might have been in the beginning, it all ...
One,T wo lines and they started to giggle. SomeM alicious comments resounded togethermixed with the louder giggles caused me to stop abruptly. I bitterly realized what they were laughing at and [never before did I feel so embarrassed] => [never before had I felt so embarrassed]. I stormed out of the room, leaving behind all the laughter and shouts . The embarrassment has clung on to me all the time ever since. [Although everyone was kind enough not to repeat about that rehearsal, I could still hear the mock behind my back when I passed some talkative girls] => [Although everyone was kind enough not to bring up that rehearsal, I could forever hear the more talkative girls mock me behind my back.] The inferiority even worsened when it dawned ...
My mind was always filled with feeling of inferiority and jealousy and inaquedancy . Why was I born with no talents? Why w as God so unfair to me? Those ideas haunted me no matter how hard I tried to remove them. That period was so horrible whenthat I came to class every day feeling so useless and desperate.
In order to ignoreprotest thos e feelings that tortured me, I decided ...
At first it was just a makeshift replacement , however,but then it turned out to be mya soundest decision so far.
It was true happiness when one girl praised me of my skills ...
... the proud feeling of being a member of the community and making contributions to that successful party.
... the biggest barriers against our efforts. ................. .T he most precious thing I gained is that everyone is talented in their own ways. Poor grades, bad voices, unskillful hands...
Great essay. I hope that my edits help you, and that you have success with UWC! I checked as quickly as I could, and it's about 560 words, (give or take a few). I hope to apply there in several years as well. Good luck.
