This is for my college scholarship statement. The Promt is : detail my reasons for applying the scholarship, as well as my achievements, career goals and personal aspirations.
Please let me know what I should add, take out, fix.( some sentence structure or add ,change adjective) I greatly appreciate it.
I was born into a Vietnamese village family of strict; traditional and Buddhism in Khabarovsk, Russia. My parents moved to Khabarovsk in 1991 by factory contract for 9 years, leaved my sister in age of 2 years to my grandparents in countryside of Vietnam. As I started go to kindergarten; my parents found place for me in a Russian host family, where I lived for 9 years. From that time Russian language has became native. Parents visited me on weekends or on some holidays, but anyway I got more parents love than my older sister.
On summer of 2003, we all together moved to Moscow. Parents made new business in jeans market; I and my sister continued education in Russian state educational institution Centre for Education of Moscow №. 1840 specialized subjects such as algebra, geometry, physics and computer science. She managed to take care of me, when parents were at work night and day; studies new language and subjects in school and makes all housework. Next year will be her last yean in Government University of management. Parents sacrificed so much for me and even now, they continue to put aside their own interests and wants, to provide for the two of us. They inspired me more than anyone else.
I am applying for Merit Scholarship because with saved money, which would improve family economic situation and provide them with a social growth in perspective, I could help my sister get abroad Master's Degree in Banking and Financial Markets.
During school years I helped fresh Vietnamese students to adapt with new environment, democratic society and learning Russian language, which is considered on of the most difficult language. I took part in meetings for students who succeed in Russian literature. I like sport, in junior school I played soccer as goalkeeper and won medal of the best goalkeeper of mini soccer of spring and summer season. In high school I was leading of the Math team, basketball team and tourism -climbing team. I had reached the peak of Indyuk and Indyshka mountains with our physical education teacher and school climbing group.
Outside academics and sport life, I worked in a free time in computer supporting center in the local area. Through this work I received a lot of knowledge in the field of computer technology. Also I had experience in the district court as a translator for Vietnamese people, who has language problems.
Last summer I spent in Vietnam and I understood that my country has a lot of foreign support in politic, business, international relations, educational and social life area, but country needs young specialists.I am studying and in once day I will give back to my family, my friends, teachers, to Russia and Vietnam, all of which have made me the person who I am. I want to make a contribution to the history, to become somebody. I want to change the world and I hope to find a place where I will not only belong, but also be able to make a difference.
family of strict, traditional Buddhists
for 9nine years, left my sister inat the age of two years to my grandparents in the countryside
kindergarten, my parents found a place
From that timeThus the Russian language has became native. My p arents visited me on weekends or on some holidays, but anyway I got more parents love than my older sister.
I n the summer of
Maybe you can elaborate on your career goals a bit more?
This is not a complete sentence
;studies new language and subjects in school and makes all housework
She managed to take care of me when our parents were at work night and day while studies new language and subjects in school and makes all housework
You don't shift the sentence from past tense to future tense "will"
Next year will be her last yean in Government University of management. Parents sacrificed so much for me and even now
Same thing with this "they continue to put aside", continue is change to continued, but anyway, you don't need continue, let say "they put aside" sound better, omitt continue
Let change this sentence
"I am applying for Merit Scholarship because with saved money, which would improve family economic situation and provide them with a social growth in perspective, I could help my sister get abroad Master's Degree in Banking and Financial Markets"
Applying for Merit Scholarship, I intend helping my family to improve our financial limitation as well as helping my sister finishing a Master's Degree in Banking and Financial Markets
I helped "fresh" Vietnamese, fresh? what is this, maybe you mean "new" or freshman
My opinion
Your essay has a lot of basic grammar errors, Don't shift your tenses from past to present or present to past, manage only one, or if you mean the action still continue from the past to now, you can you past perfect tense like " I have lived in Moscow since 2009"
Tnx u KathyLala.
I could write about Mathematics Olympiad and give more details about already written career goals,
but I have limit with one A4 page. Can you help me to make this essay more seriously, so i could use it like real essay for scholarship?
have u a icq or yahoo ?
My parents moved to Khabarovsk in 1991 by factory contract for 9 years, leaving my sister at the age of 2 to my grandparents in the countryside of Vietnam.
My parents visited me on weekends or on some holidays, but anyway I got more of my parents' love than my older sister.
She managed to take care of me when our parents were at work night and day;
What does this part mean?---> studies new language and subjects in school and makes all housework. (tyry to revise that part)
Next year will be her last yean year in Government University of management.
Our parents sacrificed so much for me and ...
which would improve our family's economic situation and provide them with a social growth in perspective, I could help my sister get abroad Master's Degree in Banking and Financial Markets.
Excellent, it sounds like you have a strong, loving, dedicated family!
I like sports; in junior high school I played soccer as goalkeeper and won a medal for being the best goalkeeper of mini soccer of spring and summer season.
In high school I was the leading performer on the Math team, and I also was on the basketball team and a member of the tourism club.--- is this the correct way to say it? Was it a tourism club?
I am studying, and one day I will give back to my family, my friends, teachers, to Russia, and to Vietnam, all of which have made me the person who I am. --- very good sentence
You have a very strong ending, too!!
Hi Shon!
I have yahoo but I like facebook better. Find me in there with my real name Kathy Hinh
i don't have facebook =( contact me with yahoo plz mr_bl4ck_st4r. I change most of essay ... and it look better now with changes and correct using if tenses
plz send me a message
