Hello every one!
I am going to submit this essay to leadership question of chevening scholarship. I would appreciate every one's comment for improvement. I need specially native speaker's comments. Also the maximum word count is 500 and my essay is 611 words long,u may find some sentences usefulness so please identify them. Thank you so much.
Leadership and influence question - Chevening Scholarship
Chevening is looking for individuals that will be future leaders or influencers in their home countries. Explain how you meet this requirement, using clear examples of your own leadership and influencing skills to support your answer.
(Minimum word count: 50 words, maximum word count: 500 words)
While some people are naturally endowed with more leadership abilities than other, people can learn to become leaders by improving particular skills. I believe the combination of natural leadership skills and nurture through leadership development defines our leadership style. Therefore, the three features: vision, innovation and dedication are essential to a leader achieves his/her goals.
First, for being a successful leader having vision is important, because leaders choose to lead. With clear vision they aspire and motivate others to act towards achieving their goal. When I was living in dormitory, I had been noticed many challenges and scarcities on dormitory management and students' affairs. Students had bribed director to act against policy and make the environment unsafe for other girls, however, lots of out of policy restricts were implemented on some other girls. Such as having small parties within their rooms. Also the students did not receive services base on their specific entitlement. In order to provide equality and justice to all, through a transparent election I had become Deputy Head of Dormitory Girls Association. I had suggested that through both individual awareness of policy and monitoring system of management we could make safe and free corruption environment. I could persuade every individual in the dormitory to fight for equality and implementation of policy. Furthermore, the members of association established an appropriate daily base monitoring system on management and these result to avoid their unfair behavior. That was where I discovered my potential and energy to help guide others on suitable path. At last, both students and their families were satisfied of our efforts. Even this was small change but beg success to me.
In addition, to the person becoming a leader, to keep long lasting effect may be difficult. Innovation is the feature that every successful leader should have. People appreciate and being attracted to follow innovative thinkers. After university, I could hire as six months' intern in ASEWO. Their condition for extension was to being provided with an innovative project idea. I let the challenges to help in my growth. Thus, after two months of efforts, I come up with the idea of doing a research on divorce damages on women. I prepared the questionnaire to conduct the research. This was being appreciated by directorate and I have hired as program officer for next 2 years. As a result, I became the proactive employee and implemented an Access to Justice Awareness project for women and minorities to eastern provinces.
Further, a person deserve leading should have dedication and perseverance to the work. As dedication is the basis for successful accomplishment of two previous characteristics. For instance, during first three months of the project I was not as much good as I expected as we had collected the workshop materials from formal law and it was not easy to understand for illiterate women. I worked uninterrupted and searched until the best result come out and we linked every subject with basic Islamic Studies. The result was great and within every workshop we trained 30 girls and women in each class. This was the startup of my professional career with great learning of new leadership skills.
To summarize, being a successful leader in not only in our nature, also, it needs nurture development skills beside. Leaders not only realize others' dreams but influence and aspire people around them to realize their own dreams. I recognized my abilities to lead, however, it needs more professional skills growth. I believe Chevening let me to become familiar with the society and environment where not only I build new leadership skills but will being influenced by them and share them back with people in Afghanistan.Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,801 
4780 Fahima, you should not use this essay for your application under any circumstances. The content of the essay is only usable as a college application essay. It is nowhere near being of Chevening leadership and influencing application essay quality. This is a paper that should only be used to clear your head, before you write your actual leadership and influencing essay.
You need to use professional information in the essay so that it can compete with the other applicants. If you do not have any professional experience related to leadership and your ability to influence people then you have a problem. What we need to read in your application is a clear example of how you perform as a leader within your chosen profession. What sort of problems does the performance of your duties entail? Does this involve the need to influence your subordinates in order to get the job done? How do you influence the people? Mention a specific problem you had to address that resulted in your leadership and influencing skills being highlighted and commended by your immediate superior. That is the sort of essay that you should be presenting.
This essay sounds more like you are presenting research to the reviewer. You are showing how you are an accomplished subordinate or follower. You can follow directions and deliver results as required. That is not the role of an influential leader. That is the role of a mere follower or rank and file employee. That is the main reason why you cannot use this essay for this particular prompt.
You should not be presenting amateur experience as a student and intern. That will be forgettable to the reviewer because there are more qualified applicants for the scholarship whose credentials and experiences are much more impressive and memorable than yours. You need to think about the competition and how you can make your essay shine. This essay, will not even ignite a matchstick in the memory of the reviewer.
... achieving their goals
After university, I could hire ... ( I think It should be 'After graduation,...)
Further, a person deserve leading should have dedication and perseverance ... (there are 2 verbs, aren't there?)
... successful leader in not only in our nature,...
In general, I think It's quite good and persuading!
@Holt
Thank you so much, unfortunately i followed the direction of an essay I have seen in internet. Yes you are write this essay do not highlight my professional experience. I try another and consider your advise at all. I will be back and off course need much more your guide and advice.
