Dear all friends,
I have just finished my draft essay for the application for Australian Award Scholarship. Please kindly help me to correct this version as this is my first experience.
Thank you so much for your kind help.
1-How did you choose your proposed course and institution?
opportunity to become a leader in the development field
My professional goal as development consultant is to enhance my knowledge in international development. To attain this goal, I intend to expand my knowledge in the field of development by pursuing a Master for International Development.
My choice for the two preferred university courses that include Master of International Development at the RMIT university and Master of Development Studies at the University of New South Wales is driven by the desire to gain knowledge and skills that will help me influencing positively the development agenda within my current area of work. Coupled with the face that Cambodia is working its way in realizing its development agenda, capacity development for human resources working in these areas are required. My professional career in the field of development has been enriched by the work experience gained at World Vision Cambodia, Caritas Cambodia and International Development Enterprises. Those experiences convinced me on the path I am taking of pursing further studies in international development and evaluation.
The rich education and professional reputation that characterizes Australia universities is what also drove me to select the above courses and the respective universities. With the Australia's growing interests in participating in development matters in Cambodia and around the world, I intent to be at the center of these promising relationship and help foster progressive research and policy formulations in the areas of development. Studying these program courses and especially on the Australia Award scholarship shall provide me with the network and skill base that I need for this task.
With more than thirteen years of work experience with national and international non-governmental organizations in the field of development with a variety of development sector such as education, health, agricultural and economic development, water sanitation and hygiene, gender, disaster and climate change, I fully understand the vital role of aid assistance in overcoming poverty and enhance human wellbeing.
In conclusion, I have decided to choose these Master programs because I strongly believe that the strong course structures and learning methodologies at these universities will present opportunities to influence development of my country and for me to build up my career to become a leader in the development field with a wide range of development agencies such as the United Nations, World Vision Australia, Oxfam, Plan International and Save the Children etc.
I may be sound like a grammar nazi, but I believe that wellbeing should be written as well-being. Correct me if I'm wrong
Bona, you should not merely mention the two universities and then launch into a discussion about Australia's relevance to your education. If you review the prompt requirements, the information required is more related to the reasons as to why you chose to be considered for admission to the two universities that you have mentioned. So basically, this is a 2 paragraph essay in terms of the university choices. Each paragraph should thoroughly explain the specific reasons that you opted to pursue studies at each university. Make sure to highlight at least one unique aspect of each academic institution. You cannot choose them based on similar or the same reasons. Each university must stand out in your application form on its own merit. Right now, there is no differentiation between the two in the essay and that adversely affected the focus and relevance of your developed response.
Thank you so much for your valuable comments and I will justify my essay based on that as I found it is very helpful.
Hi friends here is my revised essay. Please kind help make a comment or feedback on it.
Firstly, my first choice for the preferred university course is the Master of International Development at the RMIT University. As Cambodia is one of the poorest and least development countries in the world. With high rates of poverty in the rural areas, poor access to assets, poor quality of education, lack of infrastructure and inadequate farming technology. These pressure development issues have prepared me to choose a master program of International Development at the RMIT University. By studying this program course I will broaden and shape up my knowledge in global governance, theory of development, project planning and design, economics, gender, monitoring and evaluation. Particularly, this program course will provide me with a broad range of experience and practical skills and analytical capacity to help address economics, political and environmental challenges contributing to poverty reduction in my community as well as my country.
Secondly, James Cook University is my second option to study with a master of development practice. I chose this program because I strongly believe that the strong course and learning methodologies at this university will give me a chance to make a different and drive my aspiration to positively influence the development agenda in Cambodia and also build up my career to evolve into a leader in the development field with a wide range of development agencies.
In conclusion, the quality education and reputation characterized by Australia universities has motivated me to pursue studies at the selected courses and the respective universities. With Australia's growing interests in participating in development matters in Cambodia and across worldwide, I intent to be at the center of these promising relationship and help foster progressive research and policy formulations in the areas of development.
Bona, in the first paragraph, you do not need to enumerate the problems that your country is facing. Neither do you have to say that these problems have prepared you to study overseas. All you have to state in this paragraph are the name of the university, the course you wish to enroll in, the reasons that you believe completing this course will help you enact projects that will help your country upon your return, and potential projects that are related to your course that you feel you can implement in your home country after you graduate.
In the second paragraph, avoid redundancies. Just name the university as your second choice. There is no need to say "Secondly" anymore as you already indicate that the university is your second option in the opening sentence. Justify the statement you about the university having the ability to make a difference and become a positive influence in Cambodia. Offer relevant information about classes, training programs, and the like which can differentiate the previous university from this one.
Bona, the content of the essay is already relevant to the application prompt. So, in my opinion, you do not have to do any more editing in terms of content. It is enough that you at least have some hypothetical situations presented as to how you plan to use the new knowledge that you will be acquiring upon your return to Cambodia. There is a clear post study plan indicated so the scholarship committee will appreciate that. However, you have not paid particular attention to the way that you developed your work in terms of grammar accuracy. You will need to review your essay for proper noun presentation. Keep in mind that all nouns related to people, places, and things always have to be capitalized. You failed to that in a few instances in this essay. So you have to review the essay for possible grammar inaccuracies such as the capitalization problems. So far, that is the only problem that I have seen in the essay. Once you correct those problematic words, the essay can already be used with the rest of your applications requirements.
I will look back and check it again for the last revision. Thank you again for helping me to achieve the last one.