Okay, this is a scholarship i have to turn in in a couple of days, they want candidates who want to have a career in the health field as their goals, but they also want people to talk about their involvement in extracurriculars, why i deserve the scholarship, and other things that they should know.
Chicago has always been a part of my life and the passion to help reduce the violence in my hometown is an essential goal of mine. In order to achieve this goal, I intend to become a licensed Occupational Therapist (OT) in the city of Chicago where I will help patients improve, or regain, their abilities to perform tasks in living and working environments.
Before I am able to help others, I am going to help myself by attending Knox College. While there, I plan to enroll in a dual-degree program to receive a Bachelor's and Master's degree in five years. Spending three years at Knox, then two years at Rush University Chicago, I expect to earn both degrees when I am 23 years old. The sooner I am able to achieve my goals, the sooner I can help fellow Chicagoans reach their goals as well.
Recently, I have been involved in community service and extracurricular activities that have required me to help others by giving them information. For example, one of the activities I have done with 100 Black Men of Chicago (100 BMC) is giving a presentation on the negative effects of steroids, specifically on how it affects the black male community due to the lack of father figures in many African American males' lives. The surprised faces of the audience after presenting such a taboo topic has created a self-motivation to actively participate in community service while in college. Concurrently, I plan to become a volunteer of 100 BMC and eventually overcome a rigorous process to become a 100 BMC mentor.
Another activity I take deep commitment in is Peer Mediation. This requires me to profoundly listen to fellow students who have minor disputes, repeat what they have told me, and let them hear one another perspectives of a situation, helping them construct their own solution to their problem. Along with helping students solve their problems, I strongly advise them to take advantage of Peer Mediation before they have to possibly face punishment that can affect them in high school and in the future.
Finally, Tuesdays and Thursdays are my favorite days to stay after school and tutor for an hour. During this short amount of time, I am helping needy freshmen primarily with their Algebra I homework, discussing the process of each problem. As I am teaching students, I discover that I have patience. Even though a student may not immediately understand a problem, I make sure they understand by continually searching for their ideal process or tactic. I am confident the value of patience will stay with me as I finish my senior year of high school and even as an Occupational Therapist, where I will help people as a living.
Since I expect to attend Knox College, a prestigious institution, I want to make sure excelling in my academics and community service are my top priorities. By attaining the Louis Stokes Health Scholarship, I will have the privilege to mainly focus on earning the necessary education and experience for my desired career in health care. My parents have worked hard to make sure I have a quality education, and I want to continue to make them proud with a relief from a financial burden.
January of 2009 in Washington, DC was an experience I will never forget; it was the time when Barack Obama was inaugurated and the first I have ever visited the nation's capital.
In my Advanced Placement (AP) United States Government class, I have learned about President Obama's health care reform law and the impact it has on every U.S. citizen, varying from job placement to health care options citizens will have. Visiting Washington, DC, especially to see the first African American president becoming inaugurated was a very appreciative moment to view. Since I plan to go back to Washington, DC during my spring break with the "CloseUp" program to learn more about how politics affects health care as well as an everyday person's life.
Add a Thesis Statement:
I like that first paragraph, Deveon! Still, it seems to need one more sentence at the end. Make it a very powerful, interesting sentence that expresses your main idea. Add a sentence to the end of that paragraph, and pretend that the reader will see only that sentence... try to make it a sentence that really plants an intriguing idea about your vision of the future into the reader's mind.
Another activity I take deep commitment in is Peer Mediation.----Try to revise this sentence so that it is connected to that main idea in the sentence you will add to the end of that first paragraph.
You did a paragraph break unnecessarily:
January of 2009 in Washington, DC was an experience I will never forget; it was the time when Barack Obama was inaugurated and the first I have ever visited the nation's capital.
In my Advanced Placement (AP) United States -----I think you should put these paragraphs together as one.
Nice job, you are very impressive!! Add that thesis statement.
:-)
