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'weak financial situation' Essay for Scholarship for Masters Degree

akriti2021 1 / -  
Sep 28, 2012   #1
Dear Friends,
I have to write scholarship essay for admission to master's course. Please help in correcting, error checking or any addition. I am not from English speaking country. My deadline is next week.


Essay starts here...

I am applying for ----- under the --- merits of my 16 months of --- (development sector), meritorious academic achievements, my weak financial situation and the further need to meet my goals and objectives of becoming a responsible professional in ----sector thus enabling me to provide exceptional contributions to all I serve and help poor and ---- people to come out of poverty and distress.

Growing up in a ---- class family is never easy. I had to cross hurdles like financing my college and lack of guidance. Thanks to my father's arduous efforts in financing the tuition fees for studying bachelors, living expenses and mother for constantly motivating and supporting me because of whom I had the chance to pursue higher education. I got admission to India's top college for studying ---- and then ----. I am the only college graduate in my immediate family.

Explaining my financing situation, I am employed with ----. I am the sole earning member of my ----, my annual income is US $ -----. This amount should cover ---- expenses and also installment of --- loan (Which comes around US $ -- per year for next --- years). Therefore I cannot financially support my education abroad nor can I approach to bank to provide or extend my education loan.

If given chance, As a student, my learning experience will connect me with a multiplicity of distinguished scholars and experienced practitioners serving as mentors, partners, offering guidance, a shared desire to make a positive impact and a fresh perspective to my learning experience resulting in knowledge and skills I can apply immediately to solve challenges facing Indian organizations and the greater community at large within the context of the Indian culture as an expert in the field of higher education.

The ----- presented in this course is ----- and, and I believe that my strong ---- and academic experience will make me a -----for this scholarship. The key strengths that I possess for success for this scholarship and reason for chosen participant for this programme is that:

 My Financial situation is not strong enough to study programme self or financed from bank
 My Bachelors and Masters degree is from top university of---- within my chosen field of study and I had meritorious career throughout my academic life

 I have experience of---- months within my field of study that surpasses a mastery level education in respectable positions from leading institutions.
 Outside of -- and --I have been successful in applying my professional knowledge and skills to the greater community at large. Also I am a certified ---- and ---- professional.
Tran Tong 5 / 8  
Oct 6, 2012   #2
I have a comment that your sentences are really long. Therefore, sometimes, it is hard to understand what do you mean. You need to control your ideas in short but not choppy sentences. That is what my teacher always asks me to do. Some sentences are lack of main verbs/subjects. Please take a look at punctuation also.

I take the first sentence as an example how you need to edit your essay.

I am applying for ----- under the --- merits of my 16 months of --- (development sector), meritorious academic achievements. However, financial difficulties and shortages of further needs are unable me to provide exceptional contributions to all that I have served and helped as they are extremely poor and ---- people to come out of poverty and distress.

Further, the blanks do prevent me a lot to follow your essay. Sorry that I cannot help you more, because I am not an excellent English-user.

Good luck with the scholarship.

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