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Weight of a full ride! Questbridge National College Match Biographical Essay


skat08 1 / -  
Sep 16, 2014   #1
This essay is for a chance of getting a full ride to highly ranked schools through a Questbridge scholarship!

Prompt: We are interested in learning more about you and the context in which you have grown up, formed your aspirations and accomplished your academic successes. Please describe the factors and challenges that have most shaped your personal life and aspirations. How have these factors caused you to grow? MAX OF 800 WORDS!

A sea of smiling and eager faces awaited before me as I stood on the stage, waiting for the final word - eruption. I grinned as I imagined myself sitting on my dad's lap in the living room of our one bedroom apartment as a video of volcanoes played from a rented library cassette. Occasionally I would question him on unfamiliar terms or why things worked how they did and as he braided my hair, he explained the functions of a volcano and its effects on the earth. At the end of the final letter, I saw the judge smile at me and announce the new 5th grade Spelling Bee Champion. I looked out at the crowd and noticed two missing smiles, my mother's and my father's.

Growing up, there were numerous absences by my parent's, but there was never an absence of love. With one car and my dad working days and nights and my mom working days to support the family, I understood that I wouldn't have the same experiences as other children. When I left Nepal at two, we had to sacrifice some cultural ties. My mother left the family she was expected to care for and my father left his duties as the eldest son so that we could come to America and have the chance for better opportunities. After my father got his Master's degree in Belgium while we stayed in a crowded apartment with my uncle and his family, we obtained travel Visas and moved to America so he could continue his education and where we once again had to share a one bedroom apartment with four adults, two kids, and a baby. We knew our hardships now would be worth the trouble, but that was not the case. As time went on, it became harder for my dad to handle school and keep a job. With my mom working in a humid Laundromat with minimum English, my dad quit school so that our family had enough money to sustain ourselves.

As I continued to go to school, we eventually moved into a two bedroom apartment for ourselves; however, the location was not what most consider ideal. Living near the Detroit area influenced me on a cultural and mental level. I can still remember all the news about violence and a particular one of a man committing suicide just a floor above us. At the time, I didn't know what his reason was but I knew that it was because of unhappiness. Being a child, I couldn't imagine living a truly unhappy life even through all the hardships I endured and it opened my eyes to the realities of the world and what people face on a daily basis. As the violence and poverty around us continued, my parents refused to let us go out other than for school. There was an instance in which my older brother and I were in the elevator along with two men coming home from elementary school and I can still vividly hear them call us derogatory names as we just had to stand and listen. While that moment certainly seems negative, it has impacted me in a positive way. It made me realize that I am indeed different from other people but it shouldn't be something to be ashamed of. I learned that there are people who will hurt me but there are many more who will make up for it.

What may seem as misfortunes for my family, I view as inspirations to strive in my education. Even religiously, I have viewed books as important since stepping on one is considered a horrible sin. I know that my education has put my parents in a bind of wanting to stay here for me and wanting to go back to Nepal. Unable to attend their own parents' funerals, I witnessed them argue more about money every day, which is what pushes me for success. I know there are many families in Nepal who believe our efforts were to no avail, but I know that I can prove them wrong and serve as a role model for children, especially girls who are not expected to attend college, that no matter what the circumstances, a higher education is not out of reach and that sometimes, sacrifices are needed for a greater good. While I certainly did not experience the best childhood, it has been a journey that's enabled me to grow into the positive and understanding person I am today and I hope to continue that journey myself and help other children on their own. I hope to invest in the future of other children's educations as my family, teachers, friends, and hopefully you will in mine!
vangiespen - / 4,134 1449  
Sep 16, 2014   #2
You have a very engaging hook in your introduction. I definitely found myself wanting to read more. The overall essay speaks volumes about who you are and what your character is. But it can use some minor grammar corrections and sentence deletions to keep it tight and focused. I hope I can help you do that :-)

Growing up, there were numerous absences by my parent's,

- ... numerous absences from important academic eventson my parents part .

When I left Nepal at two ,

- When we left Nepal when I was 2...

- This essay is not about your dad and his struggles. This should be all about you. So cut to your memories of struggling in America at once. Say, when we finally got to America...

As I continued to go to school, we eventually moved into a two bedroom apartment for ourselves...

- This is too long. It can be said more simply like this; "We started in a one bedroom apartment and eventually ended up in a 2-bedroom apartment in Detroit. The location was as dire as you can imagine but we stayed on because even with all the violence surrounding us, we were a happy family cloistered in our home, only venturing out to go to school or run errands. This was my first brush with the other side of peace. Violence and racism were a daily part of my life along with my brother. But rather than letting the negativity of the place affect me, I used it as my inspiration to do my best to move away from there.

- While others would view my life as one of misfortune, I choose to view it otherwise. Without the hardships we suffered as a family to get to America and the violence and racism we experienced once in America, my parents, brother, and I would not have the close relationship we have today. I would not have had the life experience and lessons that have become my driving force to help my family and myself get out of the snake pit we currently find ourselves in. But my parents can only afford to help me go so far in life. I have to go the rest of my way, to college, on my own. It is my hope that Questbridge will consider all the factors in my life and deem me worth of being awarded on of your scholarship grants.

- You need to close with a strong statement instead of constantly rehashing the negativity in your circumstances.The more hopeful and ambitious you sound in the end, the better your chances of getting the scholarship. If you can connect the negative events of your past to your plans for the future, you will definitely be on the right track with your revision :-)


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