Hello everyone at Essay Forum,
The following essay is for a scholarship that represents minority students in the United States. Please help me with any thoughtful feedback, and let me know if I tackled each question with an answer.
Thank you very much!
Great Minds in Stem 700 Word Essay
Describe how your cultural identity, professional aspirations, and leadership/service within the Hispanic community have shaped your qualities and attributes as a rising STEM leader?
I represent the community of students who grew up in Colombia and who migrated to the United States in search of a better life. My mother made the decision to bring us here because she saw many opportunities, including a better education system that Colombia did not provide us with. When I went into the U.S. education system, I realized that I had to stand out from the rest. I am now a person who thinks of progress, a dreamer, and a leader in my community. All of these qualities make me a rising STEM leader and have been shaped by moving to the United States, choosing Aerospace Engineering as my career field, and by acting as a leader in my community.
Moving to the U.S. was life changing for our family. As a single mother in Colombia, my mother raised us in a part of town that saw economic struggle day by day. When she received the opportunity to visit the U.S., she saw that the opportunities were better. She began working cleaning homes, as it was all she could do. When I turned 14, I worked with my mother cleaning homes at night after arriving home from middle school. I wanted to help. Then, I realized that if I got a job, I could help my family alleviate the costs at home. So, I began to value both work and independence. These experiences make me think of progress. I do not condone that the Hispanic has to work for the rest of their lives cleaning homes, and I do not want to go through what my mom went through. I believe that we can do better as a community. I see many opportunities ahead; I see the opportunity to become an Aerospace Engineer.
When I began my career at Broward College (BC), I quickly signed up for math classes. I had always loved math and felt like it was a stress reliever. I could communicate better with letters and numbers. I succeeded in all of my math and science courses at the beginning of my career, and so, I chose Aerospace Engineering as my career goal, a career that not many Latinos sought. Progress here played a big role, I saw this career as a step into something greater, including advancement and earning the respect from professors and peers. As I continued my success, I learned to be competent. With courses like calculus that required hours of practice, I was motivated persevere and to never give up until the task was done. This charged me with energy to pursue a career in a field that required the same level of energy and passion. I turned my dream of becoming an astronaut into a goal and a plan. I believe in my dreams and know I could do anything in life I set out myself to do.
I began acting as a leader both in school and in my community. I reached out to classmates from my calculus sequence and formed an independent study group that consisted of eight members who were Hispanic. My classmates were not members of the Honors societies, and I felt they needed help the most. They needed someone that motivated them and who believed in them. I helped those who struggled the most and who had forgotten the material because they stopped school a long time ago. I was in charge of scheduling meetings, gathering work, and writing study worksheets. I led the team, and we studied during the week until the school closed, even on weekends. They saw how hard I worked every day, and I inspired them. I would tell them that anything was possible, and that is how we all achieved the highest grades in the math sequence from Calculus I until Differential Equations.
The experiences I have endured have taught me the value of education and the value of helping others. These experiences made me a stronger person and enforced my belief that I could someday do something great for this country by becoming the first Colombian-born astronaut for the United States of America. I have been made into a rising STEM leader, ready to go into the Aerospace Engineering field. I will succeed at whatever task is given to me because I never gave up in my life, and I will sure not give up once in school. My dream is now a goal, and I will do whatever it takes to reach that goal.
Good job Juan, also:
I am now a person who thinks of progress, a dreamer, and a leader in my community.
I would write it this way : Now, I am a dreamer, a leader in my community, who thinks of progress.
Moving to the U.S. was life changinga turning point for our family.
at night after arriving home from middle school.
including advancement and earning the respect from professors and peers.
Hi Juan, as I was reading the essay, I must agree that it is a fairly written essay. It depicts the logic behind every move that you did in order to attain a specific goal, a goal that means a lot to you and the best thing here is that, you are definitely doing your best to make things happen.
Overall, it is written in a way that the reader is able to understand what you want to achieve and what challenges you are willing to take, in order to achieve your goals.
Moreover, the essay transitioned in a way that the logic is there and it is in a manner that is duly needed in the progress of the essay.
However, I suggest that you minimize the paragraph where you talked about your life's background. The essay should be focused on the academic side of your information, it should be able to grasp an entirely well - focused essay on your academe and the future family that you want belong to.
I hope this insights help.
