I'm open to any suggestions/comments/revisions in order to improve my essay.
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CouragetoGrow Scholarship
limit: 250 words
prompt: Why do you believe that you should be awarded this scholarship?
16 years ago, I came into this world, alert and over-stimulated. While basking in the chaos of the delivery room, I was interrupted by two loud, scrawny babies. These trespassers turned out to be my triplet sisters.
Growing up, I did almost everything with my sisters. From dawn until dusk, we acted as a unit, whether it be creating the silliest handshakes and jingles, playing dolls for hours, bathing, or fighting over the television station-- no matter what, we were together. For a while, I enjoyed the company and excitement of having sisters, but I secretly yearned for independence from a world of matching outfits and shared toys.
As the years went by, I slowly started to become my own person when I developed an affinity towards Chemistry and Physics. I would bury myself in the knowledge of Science while my sisters discovered their own interests.
When I started to excel in Science, I wasn't a clone anymore. I was now an individual with her own wardrobe, interests, and set of goals to accomplish.
If I'm awarded this scholarship, it would help fund my growth as an individual in college while pursuinge a Biochemistry major.
"These trespassers turned out to be my triplet sisters." This is an interesting and different perspective to the usual way of describing triplets, but it sets you apart.
Overall it answers the question and although limited in word count it is logical and a good response.
I love your essay, it seems to answer the question properly.
And it shows how unique person you are.
Great essay! I love the first few sentences, very original view points, and nice descriptions throughout! :)
I fail (sort of) under word limited things, but you did a great job of conforming a creative essay to a small space.
And about becoming your own person, that is a great part. It really shows the diversity of interests and ideas differing between people. Even amongst triplets, and funny thing is I do know some triplets. (They are my best friends, really.)
I like the way you conclude your essay; it sums up the whole thing easily and effectively. :)
You really deserve that scholarship. :) And I hope you get it.
"If I'm awarded this scholarship, it would help fund my growth as an individual in college while pursuingepursuing a Biochemistry major."
Overall, the concept and style is good, but you focus too much on the first portion and neglect the latter. Pursuing a Biochemistry major purely to differentiate yourself from your triplet sisters will not earn you the scholarship. Since you have 50 more words to use, try saying more with less in the first portion of the essay, and elaborating more during the second half. Flesh out why you love Biochem beyond the triplets. Even better, display some of your knowledge in the field by making a reference to the biology in relation to childbirth and anatomy.
Thanks for the feedback! I'll revise my essay and include those suggestions.
