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300-words Study Plan for NTUST's Scholarship Essay - best MBA program and study experience

Mariafakoniko 1 / -  
Jan 30, 2016   #1
Hello everyone, I am writing to apply for NTUST's scholarship. However they said the study plan should be around 300 words, and mine is 450 words. Would you help me to correct the grammatical errors and perhaps shorten what's not necessary?

Write around 300 words, your study plan/purpose in English.

If I only have 3 things to describe myself, it would be hard-working, energetic, and eager to learn something new. Those characteristic give me an unshakable work ethic and lead me to develop any opportunities in front of me.

A hard financial situation when I was kid motivated me to earn money by myself for at least to pay my food at school. I sold snacks, school utilities, and any kind of things that can be sold. Doing that for years and up until now, my business sense become strong, and it always lead me to sweet results. I paid my own tuition college, and even managed to pay my own holiday trip to Singapore back in 2013.

I never expected that learning communication as my degree would introduce me again to business, but in a form of e-commerce business, and more formal way. Since then, my interest towards e-commerce start-up become an addiction, and I started to learn about Indonesia's e-commerce situation.

I found out that e-commerce became very popular in South East Asia, and its growing rapidly in Indonesia. My country even predicted to be the strongest economic growth in SEA. However, it saddened me because we are still lacking of few points. We are known as the best targeted market in SEA, despite our high demand of buying, but we are lack of growing our own local business to be an e-commerce.

Within my time at college, I involved into many events at university. I got enough experiences about leadership, teamwork, organizational things and public speaking. Those skills increase my self-esteem and practical skills. As the same time, I also enriched myself with some work and internships experiences while in college. From those professional fields, I got basic knowledge of sales, marketing, retails, and how-to sustain a food business brand as the results.

Nearing the end of college, my curiosity about global business come to an edge. My time at Petra Christian University was really great, and I feel the most important part was being able to balance my grades and work experiences. PCU gave me the foundation, but now it is time to step to the next stage. With hopes to make local businesses to be more global, I have to supply myself with a wide-knowledge of global business and cultural background. I also wish to know the challenges businesses face in addressing a new model of business.

Therefore, I want to continue my study to NTUST since I know that NTUST not only providing one of the best MBA program, but also live and study experience that I need. The chance to learn cultural background from any other countries also become a benefit upon my return to Indonesia.

Thank you so much in advance!
justivy03 - / 2,366 607  
Jan 30, 2016   #2
Maria, I'd like to share my thoughts in your essay.
I must say your essay is written good and it can be better.

When it comes to choosing 3 words to describe,
imagine that as three best words that nobody else would have at the same time,
it should be three words that almost everybody, if not everybody, share the same view
in describing you as a person.Here's my suggestions;

3 words

hard-working - use "diligent" , it's synonymous to hard working, however, it has an impact and a much more formal approach that will enhance the significance of your being.

energetic - use "well spirited " , this word has the same emphasis as to energetic but then again, the impact is heavier.

eager to learn something new - use "ready - for - challenge" , this is one of my favorites, it just defines the human race and our ever - ready nature.

I hope my suggestions helped, again, it's your choice to choose them and use them in your essay and I hope you will, a simple word choice

can greatly affect your essay.

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