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"work hard" and "don't give up" ; Personal Statement /Forge Scholarship


Blastofftomars1 3 / 7 1  
Feb 27, 2013   #1
Please give constructive criticism and input that might be needed for this personal statement. This scholarship is really important for me, PLEASE check for any grammatical error. PLEASE AND THANK YOU!

The words that repetitively replay in my head, "work hard" and "don't give up", are words that my parents have taught me to execute into my life. These words become actions, as they helped me accomplish many things in my life, when I thought it was impossible. Some people don't believe that Asians can be athletic, which made me believe that I am nothing more than a scholar. My passion and hard work proved that statement to be false; I never imagined myself to become a volleyball player, and I never imagined myself to be named District 12-5A All District Volleyball Honorable Mention. My hard work contributed to my success in high school academically as well because it allowed me to get good grades and make the honor roll with distinction every six weeks since my freshman year. My parents taught me the power of action because it is stronger than words alone.

My mom and dad emigrated from Vietnam to America because they wanted a better future for themselves and their future family. In life, a person has to struggle before he succeeds, which is how my parents' life started in America. I still remember the past, my mom had to work two jobs, during the weekdays, she was a seamstress on the weekdays and during the weekends she worked at McDonald's. My dad was a welder on the weekdays, and took care of me and my sister on the weekends. I know that the sweat and blood was to give me and my sister a better future. Private schools are expensive, but my parents volunteered on the weekend to reduce the tuition price, to allow me and my sister to have a great education. As time progressed, their hard work paid off because my sister went to college in the fall on 2012 at Texas State University. Time is approaching; I am getting close to attending college. I know that my parents are hard workers, but the financial responsibility is too large for two parents to handle. They told me to reach for my dreams no matter the cost, but reality can't be avoided when I know the truth of the situation.

I plan on attending University of Texas at Austin in the fall of 2013. I want to pursue a career in nursing because it is my passion to assist people and I have a great fascination in medicine. I will major in nursing, in which my education will consist of many sciences like biology, chemistry, etc. I hope that my education will allow me to gain good communication skills and proper training to assist patients. My goal as a nurse is to impact people's lives, and inspire them to do positive things to help create a better community. My motivation will be the satisfaction of helping the patients to gain their strength.

temptprovidence 8 / 163 35  
Feb 27, 2013   #2
time is approaching... may be it must be advancing ... in the sense you used it...
and also i will major in nursing... i dont find any significant clarity...

your deviation from topic is minute but i felt it to mount as you approached the end of the essay...

otherwise that was a great attempt and a good expression... i liked the way you used your vocabulary as easy for anyone... which is evident from no grammatical mistake... hope i wasnt critical... BEST OF LUCK...!!!:)
OP Blastofftomars1 3 / 7 1  
Feb 27, 2013   #3
Thank U for the feedback, and yeah this is the first time I have ever written a personal statement, and it was quite challenging because I didn't know how to talk about myself.
temptprovidence 8 / 163 35  
Feb 28, 2013   #4
thats very good... such a good first attempt... and do you love to write descriptive or narrative...??
jennnyyyy 2 / 4 1  
Feb 28, 2013   #5
I have a great fascination in medicine maybe get rid of the "a?" it sounds a little awkward

Other than that, it's really good! I enjoyed reading it!
OP Blastofftomars1 3 / 7 1  
Mar 4, 2013   #6
[Moved from]: JOURNEY THROUGH A DESERT; U Texas/ Personal Statement

I rewrote my personal Statement, I am open to any critiques and grammatical corrections. PLEASE AND THANK YOU! :D

Personal Statement
The pursuit of achieving my dream is like a journey through a desert; a place where the challenge is the harsh heat, but the perseverance remains as I continue to search for my treasure; the satisfaction of fulfilling my dreams. My educational plans for the future are to attend the University of Texas at Austin, and major in nursing. I hope that my education will allow me to gain good communication skills and proper training to assist patients. I chose this profession because I am fascinated with medicine, as well as assisting people. My goal as a nurse is to impact people's lives, and inspire them to do positive things to help create a better community. My motivation will be the satisfaction of helping the patients to gain their strength.

The words that repetitively replay in my head, "work hard" and "don't give up", are words that my parents have taught me to execute in my life. These words became actions, as they helped me accomplish many things in my life, when I thought it was impossible. I never imagined myself to become a volleyball player, but with passion and determination I gained confidence as a volleyball player and earned the title District 12-5A All District Volleyball Honorable Mention. I remembered my classmates perceived me as a scholar because I was Asian, and the volleyball award showed them that ethnicity does not matter; it's based on the individual. I had the greatest feeling of sensation when I received this award; it showed that the effort I put forth was well worth. I am proud of my other achievement, to be titled as an all-area regional finalist in V.A.S.E. (Visual Art Scholastic Edition).

My hard work contributed to my success in high school academically because it allowed me to get good grades and make the honor roll every six weeks since my freshman year. Good grades are not given freely; an individual has to earn it through coursework. I am in challenging courses such as AP Statistics, AP Biology, AP U.S. Government, AP Economics, etc. These courses have proven to be difficult, but when a challenge arises; I don't give up because I know that success will follow if I put my blood and sweat into my work.

My passion and dedication to people is strong, as I volunteer for my community. Anchor club is a community service club dedicated to helping the people in Longview. I have participated in many events such as bingo once a month on Thursdays, picking up trash once a month on Saturdays, etc. I contributed to the community through my own actions by volunteering on Christmas break at the Longview Museum of Fine Arts, assisting young children with arts and crafts. The positive feeling of helping a community stems, but I have also gained character through this experience. I learned how to be caring to others, and I came to a conclusion that one little action can impact an entire world.

My motivation and passion was inspired by my parents. I look at the past and I see the struggle in my parents' eyes. My mom and dad were emigrants from Vietnam, they moved to America to give their future family better opportunities. I will take advantage of these opportunities by going to college and becoming a nurse.
dumi 1 / 6,928 1592  
Mar 4, 2013   #7
The words that repetitively replay in my head, "work hard" and "don't give up", are words that my parents have taught me to execute into my life.

"Work hard; Don't give up", these are the words of my parents that kept motivating me throughout my life.

These words become actions, as they helped me accomplish many things in my life, when I thought it was impossible.

... This sounds more or less a repetition of the previous line, so I prefer if you leave this out.

Some people don't believe that Asians can be athletic, which made me believe that I am nothing more than a scholar.

... this sounds a bit stereotype.... :( ... I have never heard such thing :)
I feel it is better to tell them about how you achieved those goals by following your above slogan rather than presenting some negativity of other people. It's always better to have you in the center.
OP Blastofftomars1 3 / 7 1  
Mar 4, 2013   #8
Thank u for the constructive criticism, I will keep that in mind
dumi 1 / 6,928 1592  
Mar 13, 2013   #9
You repeat the same ideas here... You have already expressed why you want to become a nurse. So avoid repeating the same idea again. This is my suggestion;

So I decided to pursuing a degree with Nursing as major. I found that University of Texas is the right fit for realizing my dream because ??????????????? (now tell some of the features of University of Texas that drew your attention)


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