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"I work well with others" Florida Southern Scholarship (Change * hard work taught me)


delilahcdeleon1 4 / 9  
Mar 4, 2011   #1
Essay:

As the daughter of migrant farm workers, I lived in four states and numerous houses by the time I was five. It was then my family settled in rustic Sumter County, Florida, where we have worked picking oranges, squash, eggplant and peanuts. My dad left when I was nine and I haven't seen him since. Change and hard work have taught me perseverance and adaptively but most importantly what is permanent, family and hope. Growing up I was aware of my mother's struggle to sustain our home and I realized education is imperative to economic wellbeing. Despite having little of monetary value, Mom went to great lengths to provide encouragement and aspiration for a better future.

When I entered kindergarten I rarely spoke because I was embarrassed of my pronunciation. Nonetheless, I practiced speaking to my stuffed animals at home. A portion of the school day I spent in English for Speaker of other Languages or ESOL classes. There I was taught in Spanish the language I was accustomed to and I felt at ease. My grades were decent but I strove to improve, leaving class for ESOL put me at a disadvantage over my classmates. My mother took my brother and me to the library, helped with projects and communicated with teachers through letters. Studying harder and spending extra time reviewing my work didn't stop me from holding high scholarly expectations for myself. It paid off because by the next year I could weave back and forth from one language to another. The comfort of ESOL would soon become history. In the second grade I tested high enough to remain in the regular classroom and out of ESOL.

The successful experience of having left my comfort zone in order to advance intellectually did not change my life; rather it was the confidence that hard work and desire to succeed could help me succeed. Robert Frost wrote, "Two roads diverged in a wood, and I- I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference". For me that small achievement has snowballed into my diverging road that has changed my life. I have obtained the formula for success and refuse to hold myself back but rather push to accomplish my goals and make my family proud.

Confidence aides me to challenge myself academically and physically with honors, AP classes and even taking NJROTC my ninth and tenth grade year. Despite not have experience singing or friends auditioning for the musical presentation of Grease I did and got the part of a main character with a solo. I polished my leadership skills as the president of the Library's Teen Advisory Group. At first, I was reluctant to advocate for the group; whereas, now I enjoy negotiating on behalf of my collaborators. At home I learned that poverty is relative so no matter how little you have someone else has less. I also believe everyone can give something: time, money, or knowledge for example. For me it is a privilege and pleasure to volunteer in the community. There was a time I was ashamed of being different; now contrariwise, I realize that through diversity we can learn more because of different viewpoints.

I plan to obtain my bachelor's degree in Political Science, go on to law school and use my natural tenacity to become an attorney specializing in Special Education. My inspiration is my learning disabled brother, Alex. Last year he graduated from high school because of his extra hard work and determination and also my mother's advocacy on his behalf. It is my desire to help others and volunteer for the Community Legal Services of Mid Florida. At the same time I will remain active in the community by working on advisory groups and boards and eventually running for political office.

I feel as if I am a perfect candidate for your living community because of my personal characteristics and motivation towards school. I tend to be accommodating and cooperative making myself easy to get along with. To graduate from Florida State is my aim thus I am serious about school work. Becoming a Seminole, I have come a long way from the shy little girl I was when I started school but I will use the same formula to succeed. If selected for the Florida Southern Scholarship I will be grateful and you will not be disappointed.
nicoler22 3 / 4  
Mar 6, 2011   #2
[Moved from]: As the daughter of migrant farm workers Scholarship Essay

Some grammatical errors:

was rarely spoke

"To hear instruction in the soft language I was accustomed to made me feel at ease."
That sentence doesn't make any sense.

My grades were decent but I wanted to improve, leaving class put me at a disadvantage over my classmates.
What do you mean by leaving class? Do you mean leaving class to take the ESOL classes? This isn't clear.

To assist Mom took to us to the library, helped with projects and communicated through letters with teachers.
Who is us? You have to make this clear to the reader you can't just jump into another tense. Maybe change this to -
To assist my siblings and I, my mother took us to the library, as well as helped with projects and communicated with my teachers through letters.

Having to study Studying harder and spend spending extra time reviewing my work; didn't stop me from holding high scholarly expectations for myself. It worked; b]By the next year I could weave back and forth from one language to another.

I would refuse to hold myself back just to remain comfortable but rather push myself to accomplish my goals and make my family proud.

whereas; I took French.
The semi-colon isn't necessary..you tend to use them a lot and they're really not used correctly.

I honed ?? my leadership and collaboration skills as the president of the Teen Advisory Group.

Poverty is relative so no matter how little you have someone else.
I don't think you finished this sentence.

I have decided to study law and help others it is my desire to use my natural tenacity to become a special education lawyer and help fight for others. It is a wonderful feeling to use my talent in order to help others. I graduate college and pass the bar exam, my career plans are to become an attorney who specializes in Special education and volunteer for the Community Legal Services of Mid Florida. All while remaining active in the community by working on advisory groups and boards and eventually run for political office.

This whole paragraph doesn't make sense..you already graduated college and passed the bar exam or not? Because if you have you need to put it in past tense...and if you haven't then you can't assume you will.

Overall this essay has great meaning and was inspiring to read. You clearly have worked hard and you should be proud of yourself for all your efforts. There are quite a few grammatical errors and tense situations but it was well written and you have a great vocabulary. Next time try reading over it a few more times before submitting it. Good job overall.
etron 5 / 17  
Mar 8, 2011   #3
very nice!
Change and hard work hashave taught me

none-the-less is actually nonetheless.

there are a couple grammatical errors, but nothing major.

overall, good structure and tone :)
eddiebee323 1 / 2  
Mar 8, 2011   #4
quote some some one a bit more famous
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Mar 10, 2011   #5
annunciation

Pronunciation is the word you need. Annunciation is something different.

Delilah, you are so interesting!

There was a time I was ashamed of being different; now contrariwise, I embrace diversity because it helps in collaboration.---This is the first time I have seen someone use contrariwise in a way that I like. Normally, I hate that word.

I see that Nicole made some great corrections. You have some work to do, because the grammar is not perfect yet. Please type this again, and use the corrections Nicole made. Look, I see that you have a misconception about how a sentence should end:

I have decided to study law and help others it is my desire to use my natural tenacity to become a special education lawyer and help fight for others. This is TWO sentences. You need to figure out where the period goes. To be an attorney, you will need to make it perfect. Please type it again below and make these corrections. I'll give you another one:

This is okay: Having to study harder and spend extra time reviewing my work didn't stop me from holding high scholarly expectations for myself...---I took out the semi-colon, but it is okay the way you had written it.

Since I was younger I have been helping out around the house, my mother worked to sustain me and my brother so I would try my best to have the house clean and at least a ramen noodle soup or macaroni and cheese made for her and my brother. ------This is another run on sentence. Get a copy of Strunk and White. Do you know what that is? Google that! :-) Good luck!! Your writing is almost perfect.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Mar 11, 2011   #6
This is a place where you need "had"... but it is not a big deal:
I had lived in four states and numerous houses by the time I turned five.

Use commas in a situation like this:
There I was taught in Spanish, the language I was accustomed to, and I felt...

Hey, you can benefit a lot from getting a copy of Strunk and White. Look at the way they explain the use of commas. It was really useful to me, so... I recommend it!

As a Hispanic I tend to be accommodating, making it easy to get along with others. I don't think it's good to make generalizations like that...maybe I am wrong...

Household chores as well as cooking have been a part of my life since I was young. Attending Florida State has been my dream for a while thus I am serious about school work.---these 2 sentences do not seem related to each other.

Begin and end the essay with your main idea. :-)
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Mar 14, 2011   #7
Despite having little of monetary value, Mom went to great lengths to provide encouragement and aspiration for a better future.

It's looking good, but I think the last sentence of the first paragraph should be one that captures the main truth of the whole essay.

Do you know what I mean? Capture that theme in a sentence. Pretend it is the only sentence the reader is going to see.

:-)
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Mar 16, 2011   #8
...taught me perseverance and adaptively adaptivity, but most importantly they taught me what is permanent: family and hope. ----I changed the structure of this sentence a little. Adaptively was not quite right. But more importantly, I want to challenge your idea a little. If you want to find out your true identity, you might have to notice that family and hope are not permanent either. :-)

I really like some of your sentences in this essay!
... to provide encouragement and aspiration inspiration for a better future.---Google around to see the difference between aspiration and inspiration. An aspiration is an ambition.

Do not say "embarrassed of..." This is a common error many people make.
When I entered kindergarten I rarely spoke because I was embarrassed of about my pronunciation.

Nonetheless, I practiced speaking to my stuffed animals at home. ---Excellent imagery here! Specify which animals. Were they bears? Monkeys? The reader loves to see a clear image.

I spent a portion of the school day in ...

Is this what it is called? ----> an attorney specializing in Special Education. ---Is it usually called a disability lawyer? What do you call a lawyer specializing in special education? I feel like there is a different word for it.

Well, this is looking very good!


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